'See you on Friday'

It was this morning

Doctor day as usual

I was in and out quickly

As I had the first appointment

Quick chat with my doctor

Then collected my meds

And headed down to the beach to meet my sister who was walking the dogs

We went to the supermarket

And bought soda bread Apple turnovers

Before driving home

I changed into a comfortable tracksuit

I had already taken my meds in the car on the way home

 I'm so used to taking my methadone 

That I can measure it in swigs from the bottle

And don't need to measure it anymore

I gave the dogs a treat before their nap

I made a cup of tea for me and my sister

She had her apple turnover

I decided to keep move until later 

I was taking my tea in to the living room to go and blog

When my sister said to me

'See you on Friday'

I stopped and looked at her

I wasn't sure what she meant

My mum laughed

But I wasn't getting the joke

I asked her what she meant

She gave me a knowing look

Then I realised

'Do you think I'll be out of it until Friday?' I asked her

She nodded 

I looked at my mum again

'Do you think that too?'

'Well in my experience you will be out of it until at least Thursday' she replied

I was a bit taken a back 

But I continued on my way in to the living room

I know they were making a joke

But I think there is truth in jest

It's true

On Mondays I am not very present

I take my meds as prescribed on a Monday

But I call Monday my 'Day off life'

As I usually sleep for most of Monday 

I can't lie

During the week 

I do misuse my meds 

To get out of my own head 

To escape 

To sleep

To opt out 

I know this is not good

And in a lot of ways 

I might as well be using 

As I am taking mind altering substances

I try to keep myself in a state where I can fall asleep at any time

So any time of the day

I can check off the planet

If I am bored 

If I am lonely

Or sad

Or afraid 

I can just close my eyes 

And drift away

I am on five different medications

Including the controlled substance methadone

I'm also on two anti depressants 

And two anti anxiety meds

They have accumulated over the years

It seems every time I hit a crisis

The powers that be increase my meds

If I am completely honest

Meds are not the answer

They are a quick fix

But it's like putting a bandage on a broken leg

It might ease the pain

But it won't cure it at all

I can remember when I was about 12

I complained to my mum that I couldn't sleep 

She brought me to the doctor

And I can distinctly remember hoping that the doctor would put me on sleeping tablets

At 12 years old

Of course he didn't

And I was bitterly disappointed

Since then

I've always looked to pills to cure my ills

And of course this type of thinking contributed to my becoming addicted to drugs 

Then while hospitalised over the years

I can remember looking at other patients collecting their sleeping tablets

And being really jealous

Again

I complained to the doctors that couldn't sleep

And I was promptly put on a sleeper

No questions asked 

I'm not quite sure why I find reality and life so difficult 

I find the days really long 

And tedious 

And boring 

I do have something on every day

And I try and stick to a routine 

But there are many hours to kill

And I tend to do that by knocking myself out and sleeping

Come September

I am starting a part time course

So I really want to get on top of this before then

And also this summer

I am going to ask my local dog kennels 

If I can go out a couple of days a week

I think that would be good for me

And will occupy my days

The other reason I want to escape

Is my thinking

My thinking exhausts me

The negativity over over analysing can be relentless 

I hate it so much

And so the option to escape becomes increasingly attractive

Meetings help with this 

But only to a point

Escaping doesn't solve the problem 

It just postpones it

The. Minute my meds west off

It's back to the merry-go-round of negative thinking

I know that I need to get on top of this 

If I want to move forward in my recovery 

If I want a life

A job

A family 

I need to be 100% sober

It's not easy

But it has to be done if I want any semblance of a normal life

Drugs are a dead end 

The only result of taking drugs are jails, institutions and death

I don't want any of those 

Not at all

I need to get my shit together

Ands the sooner the better 

The day of rest.....

Yesterday

After we came home from doing the Darkness into Light walk

We had breakfast

And my mum and sister went straight to bed

I wasn't feeling too bad

So I went in to town 

Had a sun shower

Then met friends in the afternoon

I had been going through my wardrobe earlier in the week

And found some bits that were too small for me

So decided to give them to my friend Marie

She is smaller in height than me

So I thought they might fit her

I met Marie and two other guy friends in a coffee shop

I gave her the clothes

She asked me if they were too big for me

And said if they didn't fit me

They wouldn't fit her

I to get to try them anyway

As they are lovely trousers

I haven't heard yet 

If they fit her or not

But I'm pretty sure they will

I'm feeling quite paranoid these days

I'm convinced that people don't like me

Even my own friends

Paranoia is a funny thing

I think it's a disease of perception

For instance

With the trousers 

I was actually sorry I had given them to Marie

As I thought she might think that I was presuming she was bigger than me

When I actually meant the opposite

Also 

As I was sitting with my three friends yesterday

I was thinking that none of them like me

And I was even looking for evidence to support that claim

I'm having a hard time accepting that people might actually like me

And might want to be my friend

And wonder of all wonders

Might want to spend time with me

Like yesterday

I spent most of the time with my friends 

Thinking that they were taking the puss out of me

Or smirking and mailing faces behind my back

The rational part of me knows that this is ridiculous thinking

I mean why would they have invited me out if they didn't like me?

It's crazy thinking

But then

When have I ever claimed to be sane?

I guess when you don't like yourself very much

It's hard to believe that others do

I believe that I am socially disabled

I am convinced that I always say the wrong thing

Or put my foot in it

I'm shy

I'm awkward 

I'm nervous in crowds

I second guess myself all the time

I over think things

And analyse everything

I tell ya 

It's exhausting

It's draining

And it's such a waste of time and energy

I need to snap out of this

I came home from meeting my friends

The tiredness still hadn't hit me

Although mum and my sister were wrecked

We watched tv for the evening

I don't remember going to bed

But obviously I did go at some point

As I woke up in my bed this morning

The exhaustion finally caught up with me

And I felt like a bear with a sore head

I got up later than usual

And made tea and chocolate for breakfast

Yes chocolate

White chocolate in fact

Six squares

I know, I know

That is a bit strange

But then that's me all over

At least I ate something right?

I turned on the tv

And promptly fell back asleep where I sat

I felt like I was under water

And trying to wake up was like trying to break the surface of the water

Except the water was so heavy

I couldn't quite make it

After dozing for a while

I finally managed to wake up

I got dressed

Piled the dogs in to my car

And set off for town

It was lashing rain

So I decided to go for a sun shower 

I'm probably brown enough

But I'm always thinking that it is fading

So I go again and again

I felt like the rain was easing up

So I went down to the beach

And went for a walk with the dogs

The rain got heavier and heavier

And we got absolutely soaked 

We hurried back to the car 

And headed home

I'm now sitting with a cup of hot tea

And watching Sunday morning tv

In other news

I am 9 months smoke free today

Which is huge for me!

I never thought that I would be able to give them up 

It just goes to show 

If I am determined enough

I can do anything I set my mind to

I plan to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day

After all

Sunday is the day of rest 

Hope you enjoy your Sunday too

See you on the next post......

Darkness To Light

This morning

Very early this morning

My mum, my sister and Honey and Lea and I all took part in the Pieta House 5km walk

We got up at 2 30am

After only a couple of hours sleep 

Braved the cold and the rain 

And headed in to town

Where the walk was starting at 4 15am

The idea was to start the walk in the darkness

And to finish just as dawn was breaking

It was very symbolic and poignant

There was a massive turn out 

The biggest yet

And it was amazing to be a part of it

As it's such a worthwhile cause

We all stayed at the back because Lea gets nervous in crowds

We were one of the last to finish in the end

My only complaint was that there was no tea or coffee left when we got back

We were cold and wet

So a cuppa would have been nice

But anyway

A good time was had by all

I am now back home

In clean dry clothes

With a cup of tea in my hand

My sister is cooking breakfast

And Honey and Lea are gone back to bed

Here are done photos from this morning.....

General Update

It's Friday 

And I am getting browner by the day

I just signed up to my second round of one hundred minutes on the sun shower

And even bought tan accelerator lotion 

Which cost €28 

And better be bloody worth it

During the summer

A tan is essential for me

It's the only way I can face wearing less clothes

I live in Ireland 

So I'm probably being presumptuous thinking that the weather will be good

But

I live in hope that the sun will shine

And I will have to peel the layers of clothes off me

I can compare tanning to an eating disorder

You know the way when you are in the grip of the illness?

And you are losing weight

I know I used to always tell myself 

Just ten more pounds

Just five more pounds

Just two more

Well it's similar with tanning

I think to myself

I just want to get a little bit browner

Just a teeny weeny little bit

The goal posts are always shifting

And you never get to a place where you are happy

You always want to push it that bit further

In other news

My weight seems to have stabilised 

At a BMI of 19-20

I can live with that

I can handle it

When I was a lot thinner

A BMI of 19 was the worst thing I could think of

And the funny thing is

That I now feel smaller than I did when I had a BMI of 13

Go figure

I am still reeling from the news of that guy  who died 

I was in touch with a school friend

Who told me that this guy was just out of rehab

And had relapsed days after leaving

That's the thing with relapsing

After being clean got done time

We become opiate naive

Which means that our tolerance is very low

And do the risk of overdosing massively increases

I know this guy has been struggling with addiction for a long time

And now drugs have claimed another young life

It's just not right 

He would have been around the same age as me

His younger sister was in my class in school

It's just so sad 

As I know his family fought endlessly to get him clean

But unfortunately 

Others can't get clean for us

They can't get us well

It has to come from the person

I know that if love and support could  have got me clean

I would have gotten well a long time ago

I'm still attending meetings

And have swapped numbers with some members 

The thing about meetings 

Is that they are open to anyone

Anyone who wants to get clean and sober

There can be a lot of sick people in those rooms

Heck even I'm sick

There are people  who have an agenda

Or who just want to hook up

They say that we should stick with the winners 

People who are doing well 

And who have good recovery behind them

So that's what I try to do

I think that you get back what you put out

Do if you are sending out vibes that you use

Then you will attract that kind of person

And if you project that you are clean and sober 

I think you attract that kind of person too

My anxiety seems to have lessened an awful lot

It really was taking over my life

And effecting everything I did

It's a horrible place to be in 

And fear and paranoia are best buds with anxiety 

I'm not sure why 

But in the last few days 

I feel more grounded

More steady

Stable

I feel a bit stronger in myself

More able to cope

The relief is massive 

The fact that I can talk to someone 

Or drive somewhere

Without the feeling that I am going to have a complete meltdown 

Is a freakin' miracle people!

I tell ya 

It has transformed my whole life

And it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders 

Like I can breathe again

And that in turn has hugely helped my confidence

The fact that I can get on with my day and not feel like I want to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and cry like a hungry baby

It's progress

I'm moving in the right direction 

At least I think I am

Tonight 

As in tomorrow morning 

At 4 15am

The annual Pieta House 5km darkness to light walk is on

You might remember that I did this walk with my mum last year

Pieta House deals with people who are suicidal or self harming 

They provide their services got free and they are based all over the world

And the walk takes place every year

The walk starts at 4 15am

In the pitch dark 

And as we walk the light seeps in

The birds begin to sing

And it's very poignant

And very moving

I love to do this walk 

As Pieta House provide such a great service

And suicide is a huge problem in this country

Especially with young men

I think most of us have been affected by suicide 

Whether we know someone who has attempted to end their life

Or maybe we ourselves have attempted

So I think it's a really worthwhile cause to support

Even though we will have to get up at 3am

I still don't mind

If it helps some one 

Then it is more than worth it

And yes

I will post photos of said walk tomorrow

That's all from me today   

Enjoy your Friday x

Clothes Post #19

I picked up some clothes this week

As I needed an outfit for a birthday I'm attending next month 

The skirt below is Brakeburn

And the top is Protest

The hoody is Superdry

And the shoes are also Brakeburn

I am thinking of wearing the blue skirt and top to the party

The party has a hat theme

So I will have to get one at some point

I will definitely need help with that one

As I know precious little about hats

So if you have any ideas

About what kind of hat would suit me

I'd love to hear your suggestions....

HP

It's Tuesday

Yesterday was a bank holiday

So as I write this 

I am sitting in the waiting room of the doctors

I don't particularly like bank holidays 

There's something kind of lonely about them 

And spent much of yesterday comatose on the couch

Asleep at least 

I really wanted to get to a meeting last night

I hadn't been to one since last Wednesday

And really needed to get back on the horse

I was planning on going to an NA

But was having a lot of trouble trying to peel myself off said couch

Everyone keeps telling that I should ask for help

From God

From my Higher Power

From whoever it is that watches over me

So I decided to give it a go

It went something like this 

Hello?

Em hi it's Ruby here

But you already know that

I know I don't talk to you as much as I should 

And I only do when I need something

But I really need your help right now

Please help me find the strength to go back to meetings

Please help me put last Wednesday behind me

I really need these meetings 

So it would be great if you could sort that out

Lots of love, Ruby 

I wasn't expecting anything to happen

But not five minutes later 

Marie texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting

Mmm truth is stranger than fiction

She never texts on a Monday 

As she has college

But because of the bank holiday

She was off

I  texted her back that I would love to go

And we arranged to meet

Was that my higher power at work?

You tell me......

I called in to Marie for 8pm

We picked up another girl

And set off for the meeting

Which was about half an hour away

I was not looking forward to the drive

As my paranoid head had me convinced that the girl we picked up doesn't like me

But what's new?

I never believe that anyone likes me

Maybe because I don't like myself

We arrived at the meeting a little late

We slipped in the door 

And took the nearest seats

It was a women only meeting

And I was glad 

It was actually my first one 

Despite my anxiety

There was a lovely atmosphere in the room

And I felt instantly relaxed

One by one 

The speakers went around the room

It was coming up on my turn

And since my last little prayer went so well I decided to say another one

To ask my HP to help me to speak honestly and openly

And to not feel afraid or anxious

I spoke

As honestly as I could 

I felt only a little anxiety

And it felt amazing to talk so freely

It really was a lovely meeting

With some amazing ladies

I was so glad I went

And so grateful to my friends for their support

In my car on the way home

I turned down my radio

And spoke out loud on my own in the car

Thanking my HP for pulling me through 

For helping me get to a meeting

For bringing such wonderful people in to my life

And for helping me believe in myself again

People

I am a believer

Maybe there is more to this Higher Power than I first thought

I've often heard people at meetings talk about God as they understand him

And there's a lot of talk about God doing for us what we can't do for ourselves

It never really meant that much to me

But I am beginning to see how it can help

And it is a comforting thought to think that there is something 

Something bigger than me

Than all of us

That is watching over

And looking after me

I don't know if I believe in God in the traditional sense

But my mum always tells me to pray to my grandmother who died a couple of months after I was born

That makes more sense to me than an all powerful God

We keep a note pad on the counter in our kitchen

To write down shopping lists and such

Yesterday I noticed that my sister had left me a little note that said

Go to a meeting!!

God could and would if he were sought!

It was lovely to see it

And it really spurred me on to go to a meeting 

And I'm so glad that I went last night

It did me the world of good

I feel like I'm back on track now

Back on the horse

My dad is down for a few days

And we were chatting this morning

I was telling him what happened at the meeting last week

He asked me if I am a people pleaser

I asked him if he thought I was 

He said he did

My father is the type of person who says what he thinks

And doesn't worry about trying to please all of the people all of the time

He said that must be exhausting 

And it is absolutely 

I admit it

I really worry what others think of me

And do my best to get people to like me

My dad said that people pleasing backfires 

That people would in fact have more respect for me if I spoke my mind 

And said what was true for me

I'm thinking he is right

And it's something that I really want to work on

The fact is

That my confidence

And self esteem is on the floor

I need to build myself up

To be more sure of myself

To be able to speak my mind

And not be such a timid little mouse all the time 

I'm a prime target for bullies and the like

And I don't want to be

I guess this is all stuff that I can work on

And I know of I keep doing what I'm doing

My confidence and self esteem will grow and grow

I just need to keep plugging away at recovery

So that's what I will do

I was wondering about you

Do you believe in God or a higher power?

How does your faith help you?

Do you think it's important to have faith in recover?

And also

Are you a people pleaser?

Or if you used to be

How did you break the cycle of it?

I would love to know.....

Come together

As you may know 

My parents are separated 

Almost 15 years now

I had just turned 19

And was in the throes of heroin addiction

It was a truly awful time in my life

My dad was drinking

And was off his head completely 

My sister just had a baby 

And was also drinking to excess

It was chaos

Looking back

I don't quite know how we all got through it

The day my parents broke up was horrible

It had been coming for a long time

But in the end 

It happened very suddenly

I remember we were at home

My mum my dad and my boyfriend

A huge row broke out

I can't remember why 

But my mum and I ended up leaving 

We had no where to go

So we checked in to a hotel

I remember I was starting a new job

In a bank in Dublin

I had to get up to catch the 6 10am train every morning

It was like a nightmare

The next few years were tough

My mum and I rented a house in a not very nice area

Then it all came out about my drug use

And the shit really hit the fan

My family really had it hard back then

Addiction damn near ripped us apart

Then in 2004

I went in to treatment for the first time

And that Christmas 

My mum moved here 

It was a chance for a fresh start 

A clean slate 

Although the next few years were also tough

What with my ED

We somehow got through it

My dad got sober

My sister got sober

And things began to look up

Fast forward to this past couple of years

And things have really improved

In every way

My family is stable

We are all on top of our various addictions and mental health issues

Most of the time

My parents can now spend time together without tearing each other's hair out

Like yesterday

My dad came down for dinner

And is staying for a couple of nights 

It's amazing that we can do that now

Be mature adults

And just get on for everyone's sake

I see my dad every few weeks

So he gets to see how I am doing

He always asks how my mood is

And how my eating is

He doesn't know about my recent relapse

As I fear  it might tip him over the edge

But we talk very openly about things mostly

Yesterday we were out in the car

And he asked me about purging

And if I am still doing that

I can't lie

I am 

It's still a problem

And even though it's a lot better than it was

There is still work to do

I guess I fall in to the trap of thinking I am doing ok

Because things have improved a lot

I forget that by any normal standards

I am still eating disordered

And purging more than once or twice a day

No matter what I tell myself

Purging is not normal 

And it's detrimental to my health

I'm doing the best I can for now

And I'll try and tackle things bit by bit

But at the moment. I am just grateful that my family is in a good place

As my mother often says 

Considering what we have been through

We are not doing to badly

Not too bad at all