Dr Dark

Monday mornings means doctor day for me, every Monday at 9 on the dot I see my doctor who I'll call Dr Dark, I've been seeing him every Monday for the last seven years, mainly because I'm on a methadone programme.  Yes that's right, as well as anorexia I'm also recovering from heroin addiction.  I guess when they were handing out problems I was near the top of the queue.  So basically it's a urine test, a quick chat and he sends me on my way with my methadone, anti depressants and anti anxiety meds.  This morning he asks how my eating is, I always downplay how bad it is.  I don't tell him that I have a passive deathwish, that I purge up to ten times a day, that the number on the scale dictates my mood for the day, that I'm dying inside.  He's a nice guy but knows  fuck all about eating disorders. If I told him what goes on inside my head he'd probably have me commited to the nearest mental hospital.

Anyway, I'm not too good at taking my meds properly, I like Mondays because I have a weeks supply so I take a double dose of methadone and a double dose of anti anxiety meds (zypexa). Sweet sleep here I come.  I do it because I need a break from the monsters in my head and to get away from my eating disorder.

I weighed this morning and the scale reads 103lbs (I'm 5'4). Not great but not unbearable.  I look in the mirror and eyeballing it Iwould say I'm 140lbs.  It's so confusing, logically I know I'm not overweight but I feel it, God do I feel it!

So I'm going to go enjoy drug induced sleep. I don't know if anyone will read this but it helps to write.

Much love,

Ruby Tuesdayxxx