Ana & Mia

I weighed this morning. I've gained. Enough to spin me into a black hole of depression.
I know it's because of my sleep binging, waking up a couple of times a night to have a midnight feast.
I disgust myself right now.

Why do I put myself through this? I could have chosen not to weigh this morning and I would have been none the wiser.
I wish I didn't measure my worth by the number on the scales. I wish you didn't either.
I wish I had enough self esteem to accept myself the way I am. I wish you did too.
I wish I wanted recovery. I wish you wanted it too.
I want to want to recover, if that makes sense.
I wish anorexia hadn't chosen me.
I wish I was comfortable in my own skin.
I wish I hadn't pushed all my friends away.
I wish I had the courage to go back to my support group.
I wish that I don't spend today binging and purging.

Fuck you ana.
Fuck you even harder mia.