Monday is doctor day for me, to collect my meds and have a quick chat. He weighed me this morning which he rarely does, he was happy, I was not but I'm not even going there today. He asked me what I'm planning to do when my dancing comes to an end this weekend. I told him I wasn't sure but I would love to keep on dancing in some way. Doing the dancing has been great, it gives me something to do, something to work towards, it has improved my mood and my confidence. Then he said something really sweet, he said 'you have too much talent to be sitting at home all day'. That's my problem right there, I don't have the self confidence or belief in myself to go for my dreams, part of me thinks it's too late. It was nice to hear that he believes in me though.
I've been thinking a lot about recovery, what it means to me and do I want it. As I said in my last post I want to want it. I deep down in my heart that no matter how low the numbers on the scale go it will never be enough. I know this because at 77lbs I still wasn't happy and still thought I was fat. Instead of being fat and miserable, I was skinny and miserable. Do any of you ever think about giving recovery a shot? What stops me is that I can't imagine eating three meals a day plus snacks and keeping it down. That scares the shit out of me. Also what does recovery mean to me? It's not just about gaining weight although that is part of it. Recovery to me means being comfortable in my own skin, accepting myself flaws and all inside and out, it means not being afraid of living in reality, it means meeting friends for lunch, going to the cinema and enjoying warm, salty popcorn, it means keeping my food and not going batshit crazy if I can't purge, it means having a full and rich life with family, friends, boyfriends, jobs, hobbies and fun, it means remembering how to laugh again and above all it means being ok with me no matter what weight I am.
This all sounds great so what is stopping me? I could just try it for 6 months and if I didn't like it I could always go back to my eating disorder. It just goes to show how powerful this illness is.
Hope you all are well,
Much lovexxx
It's never too late sweetie. Never.
ReplyDeleteI sooo get what you say about recovery here. It means living. Thing is, you're not alone when you decide to get help. And those people are there to help you achieve exactly what you described here. I hope you do decide to get help. This is no way to live...you know where I'm at if you want to talk. Take care xx
I'm struggling with the idea of recovery as well. It all seems so wonderful, so easy, but I can't grasp eating so much and not purging. If you do decide to get help, that would be amazing. Just keep us all updated.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Actually that does sound good. I think if you look at the bigger picture it is worth trying recovery. Like you said, see and try it and see how it works for you. If it doesn't you can go back to what does work.
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