Epic fail

So day 1 of my fast was a disaster, I lasted til about 5pm, then I broke loose and ended up bingeing and purging all evening. Uuughh.  Have started over today and so far it's going better.  I fight evenings the hardest, maybe because I've more time to myself. The devil makes work for idle hands and all that.  Am going to my dance class tonight though so that'll keep the binge/purge monster under control (as well as burning calories).

I didn't weigh this morning. I just couldn't face the disgust, disappointment, sadness, anxiety, anger if the number was up. I'll weigh in a couple of days when I'm sure I've lost weight.  God, I remember the days when restricting was so easy and the weight just fell off. Nowadays it's so much harder, food is much harder to resist.  I think it's a myth that people with eating disorders don't like food.  I can only speak for myself but I love my food, really love it  but I'm also afraid of it.  Afraid that once I start eating I'll lose control and won't be able to stop.  Also I think it's harder to lose weight the older you get.  I'm 30 now and have had my ed for 11 years.  It's never been this hard to lose weight but I'm not giving up just yet.

Saw my psychiatrist today who I'll call Dr. M.  We've always had a rocky relationship but he was actually nice to me today and said I had made some progress.

Please let me know if anyone's reading this.

Much love,

Rubyxxx