Attention seeker

I'm blogging today so you can tell that I didn't go to Dublin
I wanted to go I really did, it's my own fault for taking those pesky diet pills, they left me feeling so sick that I just couldn't travel
I've taken them 3 days in a row including today, I must be a glutton for punishment because they make me feel so sick but they give me a break from the binging and purging and it's so nice to be off that merry-go-round
I hope to go the next time they meet up in a month

Someone commented on my blog yesterday that I write a lot about the past. It's true I do write about the past quite often. I guess it's because I'm trying to make sense of it. Writing about it helps to get it out of my head where it's taking up space.
I write quite a bit about my drug using days as a lot of the time it feels like that all happened to somebody else in another lifetime.
Writing about it is cathartic for me
They also said I should not let the past weigh me down
I do try not to let the past define me but it has definitely shaped the person I am today
Writing about that family yesterday brought up a lot of memories for me
For a lot of the time I was using I lived with my boyfriend and on and off over the years we lived with my boyfriends uncle
His uncle was paralysed from the waist down from a car crash he had been in years before and myself and my boyfriend would stay with him and help him out
He was a horrible man and I never liked him
He was in his forties and was seeing a girl who was only a teenager
I'm pretty sure she was using him for his money, not that he had much but he used to give her some
His uncle used to let us borrow his car and we were stopped by the police one night and my boyfriend was done for possession
He was sent to jail in the days after
Before he went he told me to bring drugs to him when I visited
So me and his uncle went to visit him one day
I had a condom full of heroin in my mouth ready to pass to my boyfriend in a kiss
We drove to the prison and I put his uncles wheelchair together and helped him into it
We waited in the waiting room until it was time to go to the visitors area
This was my first time in a prison and was very nervous seeing as I had a mouthful of drugs
A guard brought us and the other visitors up to the visitors room
I was pushing the wheelchair and we were going down a slope, I lost concentration for a moment and let go of the handles of the wheel chair, his uncle slid out of the wheelchair and on to the ground
Everyone turned around to look at us
Talk about drawing attention to myself
The drugs nearly fell out of my mouth as I said fuuuuuuuck
We had to wait for another guard to come as he lay in a heap on the ground
He wasn't hurt but I was mortified
I had been trying to act all cool and calm but my nerves got the better of me
They eventually got him back in to the chair and we went about our business
I successfully passed the drugs to my boyfriend but I just wanted to get the hell out of there
We were able to laugh about it afterwards but I don't think his uncle ever forgave me

I went for a walk with my mother and my dogs this morning
She commented that she thought I had lost weight in the last couple of weeks and that my clothes were hanging off me
I thought they felt looser too but figured I was imagining it
I was secretly delighted
Maybe I will weigh this weekend and share the number with you
I haven't posted my weight in a long time
I wanted to wait until I was safely back in double digits
Here's hoping

She was also talking about yesterday when my sister and nephew were down in our house
She said she caught an expression on my face at one point when I was looking at my nephew and she didn't know if it was jealousy or resentment
I was surprised by this, yes I admit I have a resentment against my sister but I try to separate my issues with her from my nephew
I'm obviously not doing a very good job of it
My mother said I was acting like they'd outstayed their welcome
But I had been playing table tennis with him for ages and I might have been a bit quiet because I felt sick not because I wanted them to leave
Yes I do find it hard to be around my sister but I'm trying not to let that affect my relationship with my nephew
My sister doesn't allow me to babysit him because I am 'sick' and that hurts me more than I let on
I act like I don't like my sister because I see in her all the things I don't like about myself
It's like looking in a mirror
I realise I need to get over this resentment incase it affects my relationship with my nephew
It pains me to admit it but maybe I am jealous of him
After all I was the baby of the family until he came along
I need to build a bridge and get over it
For everyone's sake

Thanks for reading this and as always lots of love xxx

Oh Persephone Paix, I can't get into your blog can you post a link?