Insanity

As predicted I was sorry I took the diet pills
I always am
I took 3 throughout the day, not because I needed them, because I've always been greedy when it comes to drugs and pills. If the label says take 1, I don't believe it and take 3
Stupid I know
They did what I wanted them to do, stop the binging and purging in it's tracks but the side effects are nasty, nausea, lightheadedness and just generally feeling horrible
By the time my mother came home last night I was pretty wired
I tried not to talk too much as I knew I would start spouting rubbish
I wanted to come down so I asked my mother for one of my anxiety pills which she gave me
I went to bed and by now I was feeling really bad
I lay with the covers over my head praying for the sweet release of sleep
The ridiculous thing is I will forget how bad I felt and take them again
Remember Ruby, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
All I ate was tea and toast yesterday, my appetite is still gone today
I remember getting ephedrine off the internet, the bottle said take 1 3 times a day
I took 12 at once
I thought I was going to die that weekend
I never learn

I was chatting with my mother last night and  I'm not sure how it came up but she asked me about a couple I used to hang around with. She wanted to know if I knew how they were.
This couple I used to hang around with when I was on drugs.
They were an English couple, from Manchester I think
They were heavy heroin users and were a lot older than me but I ended up falling in with them when I started using
At the time I wasn't really aware but thinking back the situation was really messed up
They had 3 small children, all boys, at the time aged about 3, 6 and 9
I used to babysit them and sometimes pick them up from school
My sister was in treatment around this time and I used to bring my nephew, 3 at the time, up to their house and he would play with the children upstairs while I injected heroin with their parents in the kitchen
Their house was in a really rough area and the house itself was a mess and very rundown
The children weren't being cared for properly, they were always dirty and their clothes were ragged
I remember their pale, gaunt faces and that haunts me now
While we shot drugs in the kitchen, if one of kids tried to come in they were roared at to get the fuck out.
They were just kids
They youngest boy was the same age as my nephew but they couldn't have been more different
My nephew was plump, well fed and could speak well
The other boy was so skinny, white as snow and was not yet speaking
Thinking back he was extremely under developed
I was very fond of him and played with him and showed him affection
It was the only time I saw him smile
Social workers weren't involved as far as I know but my mother told me last night that she had reported the family as she felt the children were as risk
I hadn't thought about this family an ages but last night I couldn't get them out of my head
I wondered how the children are now, they would be aged about 10, 13 and 15
It's hard to imagine them that age, I still think of them as babies
I guess what I'm feeling is guilt
Guilt that I put those children at risk, that I contributed to the chaos in their home
Home should have been their safe place, instead it was a drug den
No doubt the parents are still using if they are not dead by now
I hope and pray the children don't follow in their footsteps
I remember the oldests communion
They asked my boyfriend to be his godfather
It was meant to his special day but we all went to Dublin to get drugs
I wonder where they all are now
I also feel guilt for bringing my nephew into that house
I didn't see the harm at the time but anything could have happened
If my sister knew she would kill me
I just hope those kids are ok

I think back to my using days and I wonder how I got through it relatively unscathed
I was one of the lucky ones, I walked away from the place and the people and started fresh in a new town. If I hadn't had that opportunity I might still be using
At the time I thought that life was exciting and dangerous and thrilling, glamorous even
The reality couldn't be further from the truth
From time to time I hear that someone I used to know had overdosed and died
I was definitely one of the lucky ones
There but for the grace of God go I

Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx