Thursday, 21 June 2012

Raining cats and dogs

It's pouring from the heavens here this morning.
One of my dogs just flat refused to go beyond the back door.
I was trying to entice her in to my car but she is too clever for me, she just got straight back in to her bed and cuddled up while me and my other dog braved the driving rain.
I don't blame her though, I would have gladly gone back to bed myself this morning.

I'm dying to know what my weight is.
I haven't been weighed since Mary weighed me last week.
I could easily do it right now but I'm so afraid I've gained and I just can't handle that today.
I think I'll wait until Mary comes back next week.
When she told me she was taking a week of so I wouldn't see her for 2 weeks, I thought to myself ooh I wonder how much I can lose in 2 weeks. I have sick fantasies of her saying to me 'Ruby you've lost weight since I saw you last' and her weighing me and being shocked at my weight loss.
I know that is very twisted but that's the way my mind is working today.
I've been on my own in the house for 3 days now so the binging and purging has been out of control.
It's binge city around here.
Population me.
So I've decided to put a stop to it today.
I didn't buy/steal any binge food and there's none in the house (I've eaten it all)
I also popped a diet pill just now.
I only use these pills as a very last resort as they make me feel quite sick but they are one of the only things that stop the binging and purging in it's tracks so I'm willing to put up with a queasy tummy.
This behaviour is all very messed up and I realize that.
I just want a break from bulimia.
She is wearing me down and I can't do it anymore
Anorexia is not much better but it's the lesser of two evils today.

My support group is on this evening.
My mother called yesterday to ask if I was going.
I want to, I really want to but I already know I won't go.
Going means I'm choosing recovery and I don't know if I'm ready.
I want to want recovery if that makes sense but I'm just not there yet.
I suppose if I waited until I was ready I would never go but if I go back to this group I want to be 100% committed and I know I'm not.
Pride is also stopping me, I don't want to have to admit I fucked up again, I don't want to admit that I need help even though I so clearly do.
I was one of the people who set up this particular group and then I abandoned it.
I have huge guilt over this.
Do any of you go to a support group?
By the way the group I'm talking about is Narcotics Anonymous.

Also I'm supposed to be going to Dublin this Saturday to meet up with my treatment friends and stay the night with one of them.
I'm in 2 minds whether to go or not.
I would love to see them and spend time with them but my eating disorder does not want to go.
What will I eat?
What if I need to purge?
How will I handle being away over night what with my binging and everything?
As much as I don't like to admit it, I don't want them to see I've gained weight.
The last time they say me was in hospital when my weight was lower.
It's weird but now I've been given the diagnosis of anorexia I feel I have to live up to this label.
I know my friends don't judge me because of my weight but I judge myself.
I think people often think because you've gained some weight that you must be better but I'm not better, if anything I'm worse.
I can feel the diet pill kicking in now, I feel a bit light headed and speedy, they  are strong.
So I'd love to know what you think, if you were me would you go to Dublin?
And also how do you deal with travelling with your eating disorder?
Someone suggested to me that I leave it at home but how I wish it were that simple
I'm afraid where I go it goes too
This is why I don't venture far from my house, I don't really feel comfortable eating anywhere else so I don't travel too far.
This is another negative of my eating disorder.
Ok I'm going to go before I go off on a drug induced tangent and make absolutely no sense.
I'd love to hear what you think about Dublin.

Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx
With love from at

13 comments:

  1. Persephone Paix21 June 2012 at 04:15

    you dont have to answer this, but what diet pill is it - the venlafaxine is making me feel super ill and a diet pill would be better but i dont know which ones actually make you feel a little nauseous?

    i dont go to a support group, like you i know im not totally commited, actually im not commited in the slightest.

    i love you miss ruby, and i do that too - when i dont see my nice gp for a bit i wonder how fast i can lose weight.

    love amaris, from a new destination xxx

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    1. Ruby Tuesday21 June 2012 at 05:04

      Amaris, so good to hear from you, I was trying to get into your blog but it wouldn't let me. Do you have a new blog?
      What is the address?

      The diet pill I took is phentramine but it does make me feel nauseous and I'm always sorry I took it but it's the only way to stop the binging and purging.

      I hope you are ok, lots of love xxx

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  2. Rayya21 June 2012 at 04:22

    Hey :) I think you should try to see your treatment friends.. these people have gone through stuff just like you have, I am sure they are all feeling somewhat apprehensive at being judged but sometimes you gotta bite the bullet. These people want to see you for you, not to judge whether you have gained or lost, they care more about catching up with you and your company than that. Trust me on this. The people that notice our weight are us mainly, to others its not a big thing, but we blow it up in our minds as if it is the only thing. Bear in mind that these people like you and care about you and are probably just as afraid as you are of what you might think of them..

    Try your best to go. I try to avoid food when I am around other people but sometimes its unavoidable, but these people know you have had problems before and I am sure they would be understanding if you didnt want to eat in front of them. My family and friends know its a big deal to eat in front of them, my family only ever ask me to eat in front of them at christmas. I am sure these people will understand hun.. dont let the ED get the better of you. You are strong and you can do it! <3 Lots of love x

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    1. Ruby Tuesday21 June 2012 at 05:07

      Thank you Rayya for your insightful words, I really needed to hear that. You are right, they don't judge me according to my weight, it's only me that does that. I do hope to go, I need to push out of my comfort zone, I need to start living life instead of being a spectator on the side lines.
      I hope you are well sweetie xxx

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  3. G21 June 2012 at 05:22

    Is Phentermine/Phentramine helpful? I don't know anything about diet pills and am usually very cynical but... you know.. desperate times call for desperate measures, and I have been bingeing horribly as of late.

    I think you should go to Dublin, beautiful. It will really help to see others, and you'll feel happier afterwards, whether you eat or do not eat. I'm always in the same position, ambivalent about meeting up with friends because I'm so fucking scared I'll binge and fuck everything up.

    I love you, don't be scared.
    All my support xxxxxxxx

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  4. Ruby Tuesday21 June 2012 at 06:15

    Thank you Gabrielle I hope I go too.
    I'm kind of sorry I mentioned diet pills, I really only use them as a last resort and I wouldn't recommend phentramine as it makes me feel really nauseous and I'm always sorry I took it.
    Please think carefully before you try pills, the side effects are horrible. Much love xxx

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  5. PrettyLies21 June 2012 at 11:59

    I think you should go. If anything, it would give you a chance to see how you'll do in Italy. If you can't go to the city for a weekend, how are you going to be able to travel across a few countries? Also, it'll give you a sense of independence. I think you can do it. I would love to travel, I need to get out of my town but money is keeping me from traveling.

    Also on the subject of clothes for italy, shots and summer dresses. Some nice sandals if you aren't a heels person. Look for flattering cuts that don't show too much skin cuz I'm sure you're self conscious. I hope you feel better and more sure about the recovery, I'm in the same boat of indecision. Love ya hon!

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  6. Ruby Tuesday21 June 2012 at 12:06

    Thank you for your kind comment.
    I'm trying to muster the courage to go on Saturday, even if it's just for the day.
    Yes I'm on the lookout for cute clothes for Italy, I'll keep your suggestions in mind. Much love xxx

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  7. WinterA21 June 2012 at 13:37

    Dublin sounds great!

    I think it is good that you don't weigh in. I know for me sometimes I don't because I know it will drive me crazy.

    I wouldn't want to go back ether. Like I have not gone back to Jenny Craig to visit my old consultant because of how much I weigh. I am waiting until I lose a good amount of weight before I go back in.

    Everything will be okay. You try to enjoy the trip as much as you can.

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  8. Jane Richeldis21 June 2012 at 13:41

    I wanted to go for a run this morning, but it was raining, and so I couldn't. Stupid unpredictable weather!

    Never been to any kinds of support group, always felt a little intimidated by them. As for the trip, I would try and go. At the same time I understand your anxieties. I worry about meeting people now, because I'm terrified they'll judge me for getting bigger, though I know it's total crap (it isn't in my head!)

    I often try and leave my eating disorder at home when I go on trips. Can manage a couple of days...

    Good luck whatever happens.

    xxx

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  9. Me Destruit21 June 2012 at 17:23

    Go huni, you'll regret it if you don't... We often regret the things we *don't* do, rather than the things we did do... At least then, there are no 'what if's'. I know it will be good for you. I am having huge anxiety about going home, because I've gained a LOT of weight. I have a school reunion and I was like 100 lbs when they saw me last. But, asides from the weight and ED, I SO Want to go... So, I ask myself, if I wasn't eating disordered, would I go? If the answer is yes, I try my hardest to make myself go and I am most often glad that I did.

    *Love* xxx

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  10. Tatyana21 June 2012 at 20:46

    Don't know about you but I find it easier to eat normal when I'm out of my own country. I really would go, that might be really good for you; help you decide what to do and what do you want and what are you ready for.

    <3

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  11. Peridot (G+P)22 June 2012 at 01:08

    Omg Dublin? PICS PICS PICS PICS! Of Dublin, of course. You don't have to put yourself up if you don't want to!

    It's quite ridiculous how attached we get to some things, isn't it? It was ok when I chose to do without net access, but being forced to with no say in the matter just about drove me barking. The relief of getting it hooked back up was so intense. Dafuq? I went for years without this shit! I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if Steam would let me play games without access to the Steam network XD

    Omg another Unicorn fan! :D I've never seen that movie, I will put it on my urgent-watch list. Unicorn movies STAT!

    Lol I think the most painful part of the eye-stabbing was the sticky stuff off the back of the chicken label. Have you ever put sticky tape over a papercut? It was like that.

    Ooooh good guess. I live in New Zealand, down in the South Island where it's below the 45*S line. Sooo cold right now, but at least I'm on the coast so we don't get hoarfrosts. One of my friends was showing off some fancy new expensive jeans and went out to Alexandra for a weekend. . . Silly bitch hung them on the line and left them overnight. Did you know that denim shatters when it gets cold enough? XD

    I hope you have an amazing trip. Take care of yourself, ok?

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Thank you for leaving some love x

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