First I want to say a BIG thank you to all who commented on my last post.
It makes it that bit easier knowing you girls are behind me. It's easy to feel alone with this illness and I don't feel so alone now.
This morning was one of those mornings where I just didn't want to get out of bed, I was dreading the day ahead, another day that bulimia would have me in a headlock.
I just wanted to sleep forever.
But I can't, I'm grateful to have 2 lovely doggies who depend on me so I have to get up.
I'm fine once I get up, it's just the thought of getting up I hate.
If I didn't have those dogs I would probably never leave the house
When I can't find a reason to get up, I get up for them
When I want to hide in my house, I get out because I have to walk them and once I get out of the house I feel a lot better.
The Italy trip is just over 5 weeks away, it has really crept up on me.
My eating disorder doesn't want me to go,
My eating disorder is dreading this trip
All my mothers side of the family will be there and there will be lots of lunches and lots of meals out
I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to all these meals as I find eating out a chore
I get overwhelmed by the choice on the menu and never know what to order, that's if I do order
Then when I'm eating I'm paranoid people are looking at me to see what I've eaten
And when I'm finished eating then comes the urge to purge
Unfortunately being in a restaurant doesn't stop me purging, I've learned to be very quiet but it is a messy business and then sometimes the toilets don't flush well
This happened to me once when I was in London staying with my aunt, we went out for dinner and I purged in the bathroom, the toilet wouldn't flush so I panicked and just covered the sick with tissue
Disgusting
And when I came out of the stall my aunt was there waiting to go in
I don't know if she copped on but she didn't say anything if she did.
Also on that trip I broke the flush on the toilet in their house trying desperately to get rid of the evidence.
It's just that much harder to purge when your away from home
I know what your thinking 'so don't purge at all'
Yes this would be ideal, I'll try and get some control over it before I go
I'll me meeting lots of family on this trip and this brings up a lot of anxiety for me, maybe I'm wrong but I think they judge how well I am by how I look or how much I weigh so if I'm a regular weight they presume I'm fine but as I've said lots of times, I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs.
I'm somewhere in between at the moment so I presume they will think I'm in recovery although every time they see me I'm a different weight
Also I'm not bringing a partner and everyone else will be there with theirs
I guess what I'm saying is I compare myself to my cousins and other members of my family
They all have degrees, jobs, partners and here I am nearly 30 and I have none of these things
I often have this thought, that I am 30 and have nothing to show for it, just weight loss, weight gain and multiple admissions to hospital and treatment.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself here, it's just a fact
I spoke about feeling anxious about this trip to Mary, she asked me what would make it easier for me and I said if I had some nice clothes to wear I might feel better about myself so she suggested I but some new clothes. I have my dress for the wedding so that's sorted but I need skirts and dresses and shorts.
After I walked the dogs this morning I went to a cute little shop in town. It's a surf shop but they do lovely little skirts and stuff. I saw a few things I likes and brought them in to the dressing room.
Now I've mentioned before that I don't like shopping or trying on clothes because I hate having to look at my body but I sucked it up today and went for it.
I brought in 4 items and after I had tried on 2 I couldn't stand it any longer and didn't try on anything else.
I hated what I saw in the mirror, even though the clothes were small all I could see was my vast stomach.
This is where I need you ladies help
What sort of things should I bring to Italy. Bear in mind it will be hot.
I'm 5'4, small frame and my hair is brown now but will be blonde for the trip
You all gave me great suggestions for my dress so I know you'll be able to help me with this
I know a lot of you are dedicated followers of fashion so I would really appreciate your help
I just know I would be a lot more comfortable over there knowing I was wearing nice clothes
All suggestions welcome
I feel huge urges to restrict today but I know that will just lead to a binge
I am sick and tired of binging and purging
I swear I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
Please bulimia fuck off and leave me alone
I can't take much more of the binging and purging
Its doing my head in
I hate the power food has over me and I know my eating disorder wants me dead, no number will ever be low enough.
It's a cruel, cruel illness
I don't understand why anyone would actually want this illness
If they think it is glamorous or romantic, come walk a day in my shoes
What is glamorous about vomit hitting you in the face as it splashes in to the toilet
What is romantic about purging in to a plastic bag because you can't get to a bathroom
What is nice about chewing and spitting your food out
This illness is so similar to drug addiction, the lying, the plotting, the scheming, the secrets
Same shit, different substance
I want to stop but I can't
I'm caught in the web of anorexia//bulimia and I can't get free
Spend a day with me and then tell me you want an eating disorder
I'd love to hear your suggestions about clothes for Italy,
Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx
Hey, I am the same, I compare myself to everyone around me and decide that they are all better than me. But we really shouldnt do that you have overcome alot and you still have time to get a degree, marriage kids if you want all that. My aunty recently graduated from her first degree and shes in her 40s.. so it is more than possible.
ReplyDeleteRe deciding what to wear, why dont you get grazia or look magazine and maybe get some inspiration or go on lookbook.nu - I think you would look lovely in some flowery skirts with cinched in waists with maybe a plain tee or vest tucked in to the skirt with cute sandals or even pumps. A skirt and top combo can do wonders, also denim shorts and a few plain tops? for the beach and day time. Sorry if this doesnt help..
Much Love x
Hey Rayya, yay I'm so happy to hear from you, I missed you.
ReplyDeleteWow that's inspiring about your auntie and your right I do still have lots of time to do these things.
Thanks for your suggestions, I knew you'd have some great ones.
I'll definitely look up those magazines and get stuff I feel comfortable. I can't wait to post some pics.
Your wedding is also nearly here, how do you feel about it?
I hope you can enjoy yourself some,
Sending you lots of love xxx
The trip is coming up fast. It was just over 6 weeks ago I started following you and I remember you mentioning it.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to sleep in myself today but off to work I go after I post my comment. Dogs are amazing. My dad would never let me have one but I have seen how they can really help some people. They are good at reading people too( better than some people I know ) I am glad they are there for you.
Just relax on the trip and take it a day at a time. I hope your family isn't like my mine because they do judge you on your weight which helped along my weight crazy mind. I mean seriously soon as I gained a pound they would know and make a comment right away. Very annoying, same thing if you lost weight. May be a good thing I wont see them this year.
From what I remember you looking like. I pencil dress can make you look slimmer but I really believe a dress that comes to the knees is for you. Then I see it doing a little puffed out to help give you shape to your lower body. I haven't decided on a color yet. So far in my mind I see blue, teal, or gray. I would say pink but pink does not seem like you at all.
Hey I am going to see if I can find some dress designs online to help you along with finding a dress. At least then when you go into the store you know what to look for!
Have a great day lady.
Thanks Winter, you are right I should try to relax and enjoy myself.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure I will once I get there, it's just the thought of it triggers anxiety. I actually have a dress for the wedding, I'm just looking for other clothes to wear but thanks for your suggestions,
Hope you are well today xxx
Italy for 5 weeks sounds like heaven. Be fabulous, that's all I can say. Italians always are.
ReplyDelete/ Avy
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Thank you Avy xxx
ReplyDeleteComparing yourself to others only leads to heartbreak and disappointment. After all (and I am truly a firm believer in this), you are the ONLY person who needs your approval. Set small, achievable goals and the feel good about yourself when you meet them. They can be as small as "get out of bed and take a shower today" or "only purge once".
ReplyDeleteMost important, remember that you are strong and beautiful! Let no one tell you otherwise.
On to more fun stuff... CLOTHES. I LOVE fashion. Lately I've been making my own clothes, because where I live we're about two years behind the current trends (those that I choose to follow, anyway).
It's all about finding something that highlights your favorite body parts and dimishes the rest. Since I don't know what body type you have (other than slender -- you go girl!), I'd recommend high-waisted, light skirts that hit just above the knee. Guaranteed to make your waist look tiny and your legs look long. Par that with some airy tops (ruffles and texture are super chic right now) and a structured jacket (for evening events).
When in doubt, as the sales people at the clothing shops. They can point you in the right direction :)
Good luck. I know you're going to do great!!
Thanks so much for your suggestions, that helps a lot.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, comparing myself to others is useless, we're all on our own paths. Small goals like that are a great idea.
Hope you are well too, much love xxx
Fashion totally helps, I feel way better about myself when I'm dressed up.
ReplyDeleteI know how difficult it is to go away with an ed, however, how about approaching your holiday in a different way? Try the whole, "when I go on holiday, I'll leave my ed at home", then, tell yourself, it's always there for you when you get back if you want it (which is not necessarily true but it helps to just say that). It might help you.
Your writing is beautiful by the way.
Hugs
That's a really good idea, thanks for the suggestion,
DeleteMuch love xxx
im behind you all the way little star. p.s longer message later but wanted to say im still here xxx
ReplyDelete