I am quickly finding out that recovery does not just happen, just wanting it is not enough,
I actually have to do something, change behaviours, eat and not purge
I have to be honest and admit that things have not gone quite to plan (not that I made a plan, maybe I should have) Yesterday I took my meds properly and gave half of them to my mother but she is now gone until Thursday and I'm here on my own.
No one would know if I took extra
I'm not seeing Mary this week, she's on holidays
So yes I took extra
Not good
I walked my dogs in the woods this morning and then went to the shop, I bought some binge food and shoplifted other food.
Not good
This feeling reminds me of when I was on drugs
I wanted to stop but didn't know how
This eating disorder feels like a runaway train and I am powerless to stop it
To get things clearer in my head I'm going to make a list of the things I've lost to my ed and also the pros of my ed and the pro of recovery
Things I've lost to my eating disorder
- First I've lost 11 years of my life to this illness, 11 years that could've been very different
- Friends, I've pushed all my recovery friends away, it's impossible to have a social life with this illness
- Family, it has affected my relationship with family and some including my sister have pulled away
- Health, I have not had a period in years, my potassium is often low, I get tired easily, my bones are affected, I'm sure purging has affected my health too
- Fertility? Having not had a period in years I don't know if I can have children, this scares me
- Mood, I suffer from bouts of depression
- I'm cold all the time
- I get anxiety a lot and don't want to leave the house
- Pride and dignity
- Independence, I move back in with my mother 5 years ago as I wasn't able to manage on my own financially or emotionally
- I've lost the opportunity to go to college, get an education, have a social life, have a boyfriend, get married, to have a job
- Fun. As I wrote recently I miss laughing and can remember the last time I laughed, over a year ago
- Opportunity, having lost out on so much time, I lost the opportunity to travel, to study, to learn, to realise my potential
- I've lost all confidence in myself
- My self esteem is non existent
- My belief in myself has been shaken
- All Hope as almost been lost
- It has affected my mind and my personality
Pros of my eating disorder
- I would like to be able to say I'm thin but of course I don't think I'm thin so that is hard to say
- I get to escape reality
- It's something I'm good at
- It gives me a goal to work towards
-The euphoria of losing weight
- The feeling of my clothes getting baggier
- Dare I say it, it makes me feel special
- It's my go to coping mechanism
- It defines me
- I feel in control
- It's my comfort zone
- I don't have to deal with life
- I feel numb to emotions
Pros of recovery
- My health will improve greatly
- My mood will improve
- I'll go back to my support group
- I'll have friends again
- My family won't have to worry
- No more inpatient
- No purging
- Engaging in hobbies again like dancing
- My period will hopefully return and hopefully can have children
- The opportunity to go back to college, to study, to travel, to work
- My quality of life will improve
-Maybe able to help others
- My anxiety might lessen
- Hopefully confidence and self esteem will improve
- I'll get to know me
- I'll get to realise my potential
- My personality and rational mind will return
So yes, all these things tell me that recovery is the way to go but my old friends fear, anxiety, guilt and resentment keep me stuck where I am. My belief in myself is a huge one, maybe if I believed in myself a little more I wouldn't feel such overwhelming anxiety about re-engaging with life.
The last job I had was teaching hip-hop to children. I had no experience of hip-hop so I bought dvds and taught myself. I then set up 3 classes and did it for about a year and a half. We did 3 shows in that time.
But after a cruel comment from a parent telling us we were 'shit' I started to lose confidence.
Then I lost complete confidence and started to dread the classes so I tool some time off and still haven't gone
back. That was over a year ago.
I would dearly love to go back but I can't seem to muster up the courage.
Maybe someday.
I'm just terrified that life will chew me up and spit me back out and it is easier to stay where I am rather than take a risk. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I would love to know if any of you have suggestions as to how you started your recovery. I'm sure it's different for everyone but what helped you?
I'd love to know
Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx
"Dare I say it, it makes me feel special", hun, maybe this is the best thing about this great community - you realize that there are so many of us out there, and we can relate to what we say and go through and we love the people we meet - but we are so alike! and although the patterns and degrees might differ - it's still all the same, even the (secret) stale competition (thinnest! sickest!) does not offer any faint chance to be someone. its ED: a boring circle, that reduces the thinking of all us to one simple issue.
ReplyDeleteYey! Lists! Love em! Yeah, with the thin thing. Found some old pictures of myself when I was really thin, and now I can see how ill I looked, but back then I thought I was normal looking...
ReplyDeleteFor me the decision was gradual, and it's hard, but I felt staying disordered was the easy option! I just suddenly snapped one day. Also it was reading other people's blogs. The first time I attempted to recover I was totally alone, no support and no knowledge of what to expect. I didn't realise why the scales went up 7lbs after a binge, why my moods were up and down. I thought everyone hated me anyway, and the only thing I was good at was being thin, so I stayed the same...
Now I realise I am not alone in my struggles, there is hope and people will support you.
Staying disordered is easy. Recovery is hard.
Take care.
x
I mini break from Mary. I hope she enjoys herself. I think it was good you gave your mom the meds. I believe yor heart was in the right place. Overtaking them, I don't blame you at all. I mean you have a freebie this week. I would take advantage of that myself so I am not going even try to give advice on that.
ReplyDeleteI like how you included pros to the eating disorder. I read both and sadly the cons are horrible. I can relate to the pros but the cons....they just suck. I think people need to see that because they have no idea what they are asking for.
*hugs* you sound like you need a hug. You need one just because you are awesome. Like I said before with the recovery. Baby steps. You have a lot going on so I say focus on one at a time. Let's start slowly with the meds and then work on the eating and last the shoplifting. To me that order sounds good and reasonable ^_^
Excuse if I am giving way ahead of myself, I just know you can do it. I perfer baby steps which is why I always mention that. I always say you can not do a hostel takeover all at once.
Look forward to hearing from you tomorrow.
Honestly, I think shoplifting should be worked on first.
DeleteBecause, you *will* get caught. Especially if it continues, the more you get away with it, the more brazen you become.. the more you steal in one time, that's what they could be waiting for. To pounce when you have a larger amount on you, to prosecute. And honey, I know you can do wonders with whatever job you decide you want to do, but remember, no one wants to hire a thief, trust me, I know :(
Hey Ruby, I'm sorry that one parent didn't like your dance group, but even if you are "shit" at something you love (not saying you are) you should do it anyway. If dancing is what makes you happy and you enjoy it then you should just do it! I know that's easier said than done and fear holds us back from so many things, but try to do what makes you happy :)
ReplyDeleteYou will get better when are ready to get better and talking about it now says that you are getting there. I love that you made lists of the pros and cons, that's such a great idea, I hope you figure out what's right for you. Take care.
Alice xx
I think that's the point... It's easy and comfortable... and unfortunately, safe. But, you can get past that Ruby. I see strength in you, that you will only see in yourself, when you are recovered. Would you ever want to go back to your life of drugs? I know the answer to that, already. And I know that you will feel the same, after you are recovered. Yes *after*, because I know that eventually, however little or long it takes, you will recover from this horrible, life destroying disease of the mind.
ReplyDeleteIt *wants* you to think it's going to be hard, to be anxious and scared. It *wants* you to feel that you can't do it, because then it can stick around and fester in your mind.. And one day, all time will have passed and you will likely be left bitter and regretful. You are destined to be a lovely wife and a wonderful mother, a hard working career woman. You can put EVERY effort that you pour into you ED and pour it into LIFE. Living. Contentment. I *know* you can achieve anything you set your mind to. Stop being good at being disordered, because it is no real feat. Start working towards being good at doing what is best for Ruby. Not what is best for her disordered mind.
Whatever you choose to do, I will be here, with you, behind you, beside you, wherever you want me to be, supporting you, for the long haul, because you are amazing and you have already come so far, with your strength, sweetheart, you can reach the *** STARS ***
I wouldn't say that, if I didn't truly believe it. Not everyone can 'do' recovery, but I know you can. And I know that when you are ready, you will give it your all. That's all anyone can ask of you huni, is that you try your best and give it all you've got. You've admitted that you haven't really done that in the past.. fear, I'm sure. But once you do, you'll be unstoppable!
*LOVE*
it's brooks (somethingpromised) from AMC. I was so touched by your comment a few days ago. I'd LOVE to talk to you. It sounds like we're going through so much of the same. I related to every sentence, every pro/con. PLEASE email me
ReplyDeletebrooksoscarsron@gmail.com
Hey, parents do that. Even just grownups. I know how devastating that is... I've never danced anywhere but myself, then I went to train myself as an zumba instructor and I wasn't that sure about my classes, rhythm or anything but I saw most of the people were having really fun and I put lot of energy in them. Then I got a call that someone had complained I can't stay in the rhythm, and another same comment from another place where I was giving a sample lesson. It broke me since I think it's not that horrible in the class like that if you miss a count or two, it's not dancing for real and furthermore I've so worked my ass off with learning the stuff from scratches... then someone comes and gives you comment that's not the truth or nothing more than an opinion. But it hurts, and that's the hard thing with instructing anything. It's your work, based on the stuff you put your heart into and it represents you... you're the artist and when the viewer can't catch it, the critique is about you, it crawls under your skin and pinches there like forever. It's a shame that people don't get it how much you give from yourself in those classes.
ReplyDeleteAnd good work for figuring out that stuff. It must have been hard to put it in to words. <3
PS: don't you think that the parent's comment said a lot more about the parent than about your dancing?
ReplyDelete