Usual Monday morning routine today.
Doctors appointment first thing this morning.
As I've said before he doesn't always stick to talking about medical topics. Today he spent about 10 minutes talking about a political show that was shown in this country in the 1980''s.
I have no idea why or what he was talking about.
He didn't ask me about the meds but he did ask me if I'm still purging (or puking as he so delicately puts it)
I told him I was but he didn't say anything. He doesn't seem to be worried.
So why should I?
It is a sad fact of this country that you have to be literally dying of malnutrition to get proper help or at least for them to take notice. My weight is not critically low and my bloods are normal so my doctor seems to have no reason to be concerned.
Sometimes I think I would love him to spend a day with me and see the true nature of my eating disorder.
The morning weigh in that dictates my mood for the day.
Shopping for (stealing) binge food.
Restricting all day until I can't stand it any longer and finally break out and start binging and purging.
Marching endlessly up and down from my kitchen to my bathroom.
Maybe he would take the situation more seriously if he spent just an hour inside my head.
He would experience the neverending obsession over food and weight.
I know he is just a GP and does not have the insight that Mary does but it makes me feel like I'm not really sick when he fobs me off. I guess I'm lucky to have Mary, she knows the score.
It wasn't until I was in the chemist that I realised he had given me a weeks worth of medication when I was only supposed to get 3 days. So know I have the temptation of overtaking them.
I haven't so far but I am in the house on my own until Thursday so I can't give them to anyone.
I'm determined to take them properly though.
One good effect of taking them correctly this week is that my sleep has greatly improved and I think my mood was better too.
I've been toying with the idea of recovery for the last few days but I have to admit I have made no concrete moves, it's just a thought at the moment.
It's not like I don't know what to do, I just keep putting it off
My ex-sponsor used to say to me 'if you don't know what to do, do the opposite of what you think you should do'. This was a simple but effective tool for me. If I think I should skip lunch, eat lunch.
If I think I don't want to go to a meeting, get my ass to a meeting.
As I said before anxiety and fear are stopping me from going for it.
It really is a leap of faith and I'm trying to muster the courage to take it.
My eating disorder is a full time job with no days off and no holiday. I work for my eating disorder all week ie restricting, purging, exercise and I expect to get a fat pay check at the end of the week ie weight loss.
If I take the eating disorder away I have to fill the void it will leave with other things.
I guess this is how 'normal' people live, they have jobs, courses, relationships, hobbies, friends, holidays,pets.
I suppose I need to find things that interest and excite me as much as my eating disorder.
Even in treatment I have never managed to get the purging under control, it really is a powerful addiction.
The anxiety I feel after eating is overwhelming.
For example yesterday was my sisters birthday and she came to ours for her dinner.
I wanted to be there and ate with them but the second I was finished I had the compulsion to purge.
I knew they would know if I got up straight away so I tried to wait a few minutes but I couldn't even concentrate on what they were saying and I didn't last 2 minutes. I feel great relief after I purge.
Mary told me that at most we only manage to purge 60% of what we eat but even knowing this does not make me stop.
I binged and purged about 6 times last night and finally collapsed on the couch where I promptly fell asleep exhausted afterwards.
Also the shoplifting is still a problem. I stole bacon today.
I don't know what it will take to make me stop.
I mentioned my sister yesterday and today. She is 5 years older than me and lives just down the road, she has an 11 year old son. She has been in recovery from alcoholism for the last 6 years.
We are not that close and usually communicate through my mother.
She very much does her own thing and doesn't get too involved in family stuff.
I definitely get on better with my other brother and sister.
I've realised recently that I have a huge resentment against her for a couple of reasons.
She doesn't allow me to babysit my nephew and this really hurts me. I asked her a long time ago why and she told me it was because I was sick and she was afraid something would happen.
I can sort of understand that but I'm a lot physically stronger now and could manage a lot better.
I love my nephew and I want to be close with him and not being allowed babysit him,gets me down.
I think another reason I hold a resentment against her is that I see a lot of myself in her, the addictive nature, the anxiety, the self obsession and all these things I hate about myself I see so clearly in her and it's like looking in a mirror and seeing all the negatives about me.
You would think that we'd have a lot in common what with us both being addicts but we struggle to hold a conversation. I hate the fact I can't get over this resentment, I wish I could let it go, it definitely affects my relationship with my nephew.
I was wondering about you, do you harbour resentments against a family member?
How does affect your relationship? I'd love to know
I have huge urges to restrict today.
The wedding is in 6 weeks and it looms heavily over me.
It triggers me massively to want to lose weight.
It makes me think I should put recovery on hold until it's over but that is just an excuse.
I know restricting just sets me up to binge but I still crave the feeling of being empty.
This is where the seduction of the eating disorder tricks.
It is similar to an abuser, it grooms me and seduces me into believing that anorexia is romantic and glamorous and that being thin is the way to happiness and success.
Then like an abuser once it lures me in it turns on me and shows it's true colours but by then it's too late and I am held hostage by this illness.
I don't understand why anyone would want this illness.
There is nothing romantic or glamorous about it.
What is romantic about vomit hitting you in the face as it splashes into the toilet,
What is glamorous about rotten teeth, constipation, grey skin and hair falling out
We don't even get to enjoy being thin as we are never thin enough.
There is nothing beautiful or successful about it.
I hope this post finds you well today,
Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx
You have a lot going on there. I guess it is good to have a nice doctor but it would also be nice too if he was concerned. He seems too chill laxed about things. Or rather your purging.
ReplyDeleteDid he realise he gave you a weeks worth of meds? I thinking maybe he gave it to you because he felt sorry for you. I think this doctor does like you. You are a pretty cool person. When I say like not like want to date you but he cares about you. I almost feel like he doing what he is doing because he knows it somewhat makes you happy. I am just talking here so forgive if I sound crazy just trying to make sense of this is all.
As for your sister. I mean I can see where she coming from with not wanting you to watch her son but it is not that serious. I mean it's not you are still on drugs.
Anywho I gott move it along here. About to go in to work. Let's pray it's a good day :-)
Wow ^ Erm... I'm pretty sure the med thing was just a mistake. Nothing more, nothing less. Being so long on a system of weekly meds, it's easy just to get into the routine of writing prescriptions off fast and without thinking. It happened to me recently, I got one of my carry aways taken off, because I forgot to go sample, I went to the pharm and they gave me the full week. Could be doc mistake or pharmacy mistake, all human.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I do hope you take this opportunity to prove to yourself that you can take your meds responsibly, by yourself. Just for the regulated sleep is enough of an incentive. Your Mum will be SO proud. You'll feel accomplished. You'll feel *physically* and emotionally better than over using and being left short will leave you feeling. I *know* you got this, Ruby. Do it for yourself.
As for your nephew, I think that your sister is wrong. She was an alcoholic, was she safe around her son then? Was she a functioning alcoholic? You don't do drugs anymore, so you are just as safe around him as she is. He's 11! What could happen?? He's almost old enough to legally be able to watch himself! She's being way over paranoid, imho.
My cousin left her 3 yr old with me for 4 months, knowing that I was on drugs. I was quite capable of looking after her. More capable than her mother at that time. I was always a 'responsible user', if there is such a thing. I never EVER used around kids (unlike my dad). I never used so much that I was 'out of it', my reaction times might be slower say, driving, but when it comes to running around after a 3 yr old, I'm vigilant either way. I wouldn't take a child if I were unable to care for them and we all know our own limits. People may disagree with me here, but if I didn't do it, who would have? Plus, I ended up using WAY less.
wow.. that never happened before! I was cut off, TOO many characters! :O Sowwie! Lol.. Here's the rest:
DeleteI have huge resentments toward my dad, I guess. I love him, but... He used around us as kids. That's unforgivable. We saw way too much, far too young. I resent him, because he followed his sisters rules not to use in front of my cousins (my uncle is a user too), but he would use in front of his own kids. Deal in front of us. Deal from the house. Caused the police to kick down our door several times. One time my little brother was standing right behind the door, the glass got knocked out and a pane of glass hit him right on the bridge of his nose, it was pouring with blood. That could have been his eye(s). I resent him for not keeping us safe. Not sheltering us from his use. I resent my Mum for not taking us away from it. For staying because some psychic told her he would get clean and they'd have another baby girl (my mum was desperate for another girl.. I wasn't enough, apparently). I resent my Mum for giving in and using after 13 years. I resent my Dad for offering her drugs in a time that she was so vulnerable, withdrawing from a pain med that the doctor gave her without explaining the addiction and withdrawals of the med, because he knew she was going to leave him, unless he had some kind of hold over her. "Here, smoke this, it will make you feel better". I resent my Mum for not loving us enough to say no. I resent her for trying to make up for everything with material items. I could go on and on... But I won't. I bury it all and I try to move on and focus on our relationship now. I love my Mum to death. I love my Dad too.
I understand the whole romantic seduction thing.. and I know for sure that this world is not 'glamorous' or 'romantic', but the idea of 'not eating', seems so.. seductive, I guess. Such an easy fix for *everything*. Emotionally and physically. Because it would mean you are 'strong' and can withstand anything (oh dear, that sounds much like a thinspiration quote! Ack). I was actually nick named Ashen because of my grey skin tone... So romantic! Lol.
I've taken up enough of your page, me thinks! Lol.
Hang in there honey... Keep contemplating recovery, hopefully it will seem more and more appealing each time you think about it.
Oh and the shoplifting. When you go in that store, you need to think of someone grabbing your shoulder as you walk out. I *know* I've had my pic up in stores and the employees were told to watch me. SO humiliating. And it sticks with you, even in a big City. You can't shop without being stalked. You don't want that stigma hun x You can kick this thing!
Lots of love and hugs and stuffs! =D
I've been thinking about recovery recently too, you've really inspired me. But like you I haven't actively done anything to get help, if anything I think I'm making myself worse because I still don't feel like I'm ill enough to recover.
ReplyDeleteAs to a family member I resent, probably my sister. It sounds terrible, but she's quite ill with various things, and therefore she's always got the attention. It sounds terrible but I've always felt like I don't matter as much because I'm the healthy one. I massively binged/purged earlier and not a single family member heard me or noticed. About 10 minutes after I left the bathroom my sister threw up (because she's got a migraine) and everyone went to see if she's okay. I feel so inferior to her. Sorry I'm really ranting at you there.
You're making great improvements, I hope you make it through the week without abusing the medication, good luck.
I love all your posts, I can relate with a lot of what you say. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time, but you're so strong and you've been through so much. I know that one day you WILL be happy and healthy.