First I want to say a massive thank you for all your comments yesterday, they were so positive and encouraging and I'm so happy to know that you are behind me in this.
I don't feel so alone anymore.
The lovely Fiona over at 'Faith and Meouw' made a really interesting point in her comment.
It's not so much a choice between eating disorder and recovery as it is a decision between life and death.
This really made sense to me.
For the longest time I've had a passive deathwish. Welcoming death but not actively seeking it.
Sometimes when I'm driving I drive so fast that I'm willing myself to crash,
When I overtake my meds I hope that I will slip into a coma,
When I purge 15 times a day I'm hoping my heart will give out.
When I'm walking my dogs up the cliffs I'm hoping a gust of wind will carry me over the edge.
Sometimes I wish I was hurt, like maybe break my leg, then I would have to go into hospital and all the nurses will look after me and I can live in the bubble that is hospital.
It's sounds childish but I want to be minded.
I guess it's wanting to escape from reality and escape from me,
My reality at the moment is restricting all day then binging and purging all night, who wouldn't want to escape from that. And when you don't like yourself very much you just want to unzip your skin and step out of it.
So where do I go from here?
How do I start recovery?
I honestly don't know.
That's a lie of course I know.
It's morning here, I could start with breakfast
Mary is always asking me to plan my meals the day before but I never do it
Eating something would be a good start
Ok I can do that if I really try
Stopping the purging would be great, I need to distract myself after eating so I don't feel enormous anxiety
Ok I can try that too, it'll be hard but I'll try
It's my sisters birthday today so she is coming down for her dinner, I'm anxious about this but I will eat with them and just see how I get on. (Remember the bubble bath I stole? I'll be giving her that as a gift, how ashamed do I feel?)
My relationship with this sister is strained but I write about that another time
All I can do is try today
Another thing I can do is go back to my support group. It's on Thursday.
I plan to ring a friends and go together so I can't back out like I usually do
I'm going to find this hugely anxiety provoking but like with a lot of things with me it's the thought of doing something that creates anxiety not the actual thing itself.
I had a phonecall from a girl I was in treatment with yesterday.
She is planning to go to Dublin next Saturday to meet up with the others.
She invited me to travel with her and spend the night at her place.
She has asked before but I never took her up on her offer.
I would love to do this as I got on with this girl very well, the only thing stopping me going is my eating disorder. My ed hates me being away from my house, it is comfortable there.
I told her I would ring her during the week for definite but I think I'm going to go.
I went through treatment with these people, they know me so well.
They know I purge, they know I'm addicted to twix bars, they know my drug history.
This girl I'm staying with also has an eating disorder but she purges through exercise.
I would say she is addicted to exercise.
I'd love to know what you think? Would you go if you were me?
I was thinking about my cousin who is getting married, we were saying she'll probably get pregnant pretty soon. This got me thinking about myself. I lost my twenties to addiction and eating disorders, do I really want to lose my thirties too? I'm of the age where people I know are getting married and having kids.
Do I want that? I'm not sure but I definitely want love, definitely want to fall in love.
I want the chance to be able to do these things
I don't want to lose anything else to this illness, I've lost enough
In a lot of ways I still feel 20 because I haven't gone through the things people usually go through in their twenties but in other ways I feel way more than 29, I feel I've lived a thousand lives
What about you, what have you lost to your eating disorder?
Are you willing to risk losing more?
I don't think I want to die today, apart from anything else it would break my families heart
That is enough to keep me from dying today
On a positive note, I've taken my meds properly the last few days, the system with my mother giving them to me seems to be working.
Thanks for reading this and as always lots of love to you xxx
I'm so proud of you, even if you don't go through with the breakfast or the visit, just thinking like this is a huge leap in the right direction, and I'm so glad to see that you're doing this. It could be nice to get out of the house and see your friends, even if it makes you anxious to think about. Once you're there, it'll probably be fun:> Much love xx
ReplyDeleteThank you sleepwalker.
DeleteYou are right the thoughts of doing these things are worse than the actual thing itself, I guess that's anxiety,
Hope you are well xxx
It might sound stupid but is there any thing on ur safe list u can take either before or after u eat to keep you from purging? A few years ago this use to be green tea for me. either a table or the drink i would want to keep it in my system and was tryin to stop purgin so i would have this to drink with a meal or though out the day it worked most the time. i have done a lot of thinkin about your post yesterday and really i try and tell myself that since my weight is ok and i eat dinner with my fam that i am recovered but i know this is not true maybe it has to do with the fact that i have had these thought and problems that it is just me who i am and have learned to live with it. i am not phsical sick though so it is just thoughts in my head. take care hun one step at a time
ReplyDeleteThank you Linny, I appreciate the support.
DeleteIt's so true that gaining weight alone does not make us well,
It's a difficult but necessary part of recovery but we need to be well in our heads also,
Much love to you xxx
Why this post was deep.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the whole death wish thing without seeking it. I started thinking about death when I was in the 3rd grade and it has lingered around every since. I have slowed down on the thoughts a bit though.
You sound like you are headed in the right direction. I mean getting better is hard work. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep doing what you have always done. I would love to say more but I gotta get to work.
Have a great day :-)
Yes as dark as it sounds, death is ever present with this illness, today is a good day though, I want to live more than I want to die, I will try to build on that,
DeleteThanks for your comment lovely xxx
I haven't yet reached the stage where I feel like my ED is like choosing between life and death. I'm still the denial phase where I feel like I'm invincible and that my health will never suffer as a result of my eating (or lack thereof) habits. Deep down I know this isnt true, and that I have in fact been showing signs of internal damage, but I feel like until my period stops and my hair begins falling out that I am completely and utterly okay. Hey, whoever say people with ED's weren't delusional?
ReplyDeleteIn anycase, I'm really glad that you're considering recovery and thinking about rejoining your support group. That's a really big step and I hope you go!
Thanks Astoria, I can identify with feeling invincible but it gets harder and harder to deny the effects of the eating disorder. I haven't had a period in years and that worries me as I would like to have kids someday.
DeleteHope you are well, much love xxx
I'm SO proud of you! I knew you'd be ready for recovery someday soon and someday seems to have come today :) I know you can do this hun.
ReplyDeleteI would go with your friend, as long as she is in recovery and you can keep from purging around her? If she is in recovery, it might be triggering for her. If she isn't, it might be triggering for you. Hopefully it can be worked out so that you can go. If you don't think you can stop binge/purging for the time you will be staying at her place, then talk to her about it first, see what she thinks? You don't want to be an unhealthy influence on each other, I've seen it happen many times. But, hopefully you can be an encouraging and positive influence on each other =)
I listed my losses due to ED on my blog, was long and didn't wanna overtake your page! Lol
Well done with your meds too huni *proud*
Thank you sweetie. Yes I worry that meeting up with this girl will be triggering but it would be good for me to meet up with the others. I just read your post about what your ed has cost you and I'm blown away by your honesty, I can also identify a lot. My heart breaks for you and for me. I hope you can find peace of mind and I believe in you, sending you lots of love xxx
DeleteI was so stoked to read this, Ruby, and I'm so proud of you. It's hard to sit down and really look at what's going on, because we are by nature better at avoiding feelings and emotions - using our ED or whatever instead, to escape them.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to the death wish, that is what has kept me stuck too. I don't want to die, but I am terrified of life. For years, I wanted badly to just hurry up and die and get it over with, I was even begging them to just let me die as they force fed me in hospital. Now I'm glad they didn't let me. But I totally see how it can be a way of committing slow suicide when you can't actually DO it. It was that for me.
It takes a huge commitment to get better and LIVE, and it's painful and hard. But everyone I know who has gotten there has said, it's better. Their 'worst days now are better than their best days when sick'.
Good on you for the steps you have taken already like the meds. This isn't a thing you can just turn around - it's a one step at a time thing for sure. Sometimes even just holding your ground, despite that meaning you go nowhere - is progress. Deciding you want to live, and that you are prepared to fight for it is half the battle.
Sending you all the strength I can, and so much love - remember you can email me any time.
Love Fiona xx
Thank you Fiona, I'm trying to be positive and do the right thing. You have been and continue to be an inspiration and role model. Living with this ed is not living at all, it's just existing. I'm tired of being a spectator to life, I want to plat the game. It's great to know that people are behind me,
DeleteI'll be in touch soon, lots of love to you too xxx