That is the question
I'm sill feeling hopeful today
.
Yesterdays meeting went better than I thought.
I didn't realise how much my eating disorder was affecting my mother.
I didn't realise she was doing her best to detach and look after herself.
She has been around her fair share of addicts, my father, my fathers family, my sisters and now me.
She used to be an enabler but now she knows that doesn't work
She spoke yesterday of how she is not getting any younger and won't be around forever and she worries what will happen when she is gone.
I don't like thinking about this, my worst fear since I've been a child is that my mother will die but she will die one day and what will I do then.
I live in her house, she supports me in lots of different ways, ways I can't support myself.
I need to be able to look after myself, to be independent. I can't rely on her forever.
So what do I do?
Feeling hopeful does not mean my eating disorder has gone away. I binged and purged multiple times yesterday but it does make me think recovery might be an option, it makes me think that maybe I should go back to my support group. All the signs all telling me to go back, the universe is screaming at me that it is the right thing to do. My old recovery friend contacted me, my treatment friends contacted me.
I was out for a short time yesterday and I ran into 3 people I used to know, 2 I used to work with and 1 from the support group I used to go. All people from my old life when I was happier.
I don't know if they are signs but I took them as signs. I usually never meet anyone when I'm out.
So what's stopping me from going back to recovery?
Step up my 2 old sparring partners fear and anxiety
I would truly love to go back to my support group, I helped set up that group and them I left them.
But I have been in and out of recovery so many times that I don't want to go back unless I am sure I am going to give it a really good go, this is where anxiety comes in. I'm anxious of what everyone will think of me having fucked up again. I know they will probably be happy to see me but the anxiety is still there.
I think of myself as socially handicapped, I feel awkward a lot of the time around people.
My mother told me yesterday that I'm good around people and you would never know I was anxious but I don't feel that way.
Then there is my old buddy fear.
I have a huge fear of life without my eating disorder.
How will I cope with real life after being in addiction for over 10 years?
I fear everything that comes with real life, relationships, college, jobs etc
I fear that I will fail miserably at life.
I guess that means I don't have much belief in myself.
My eating disorder gives me purpose, it gives me a goal, it is something, maybe the only thing I am goo at.
Dare I say it, it makes me feel special.
Take it away and what is left?
Just an average girl.
I suppose I could do what I did with the drugs.
Try recovery for 6 months and if it doesn't work out I can always go back.
This worked for me with the drugs because I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I guess it's the same now.
I wish I had more courage, that I could just go for it bur the eating disorder is so seductive.
She makes it seem like having an ed is romantic and glamorous.
But what is romantic about having rotten teeth, no period, lanugo
What is romantic about cleaning up vomit stains from the bathroom floor
What is glamorous about purging 10 times a day
What is glamorous about nearly passing out when you stand up
The idea of an ed can seem attractive but the reality is in stark contrast
I am being held hostage by this ed but only I have the power to run away
I have lost the last 10 years to this illness, do I really want to lose another 10?
No thank you very much
So what does this all mean?
I guess it means I 'm in the pre-contemplative stage of making a decision about recovery
I was wondering about you
What is stopping you from choosing recovery?
Why are you holding on to your eating disorder?
I'd love to hear you r thoughts
Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx
I hit a point today, where I want to try Recovery (for real, this time). I'm miserable, and I'm dying. It's either death or recovery (isn't it for everyone, at some point?). I'm not ready to die. I don't want to gain too much weight too fast, so I'm eating clean & training mean.
ReplyDeleteI'm holding on to my ED because it's all I know anymore. Before Anorexia, all I've known since I was 12 is depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self harm, sexual abuse, complex PTSD, anorexia purging-subtype (when I was 12-14), pain, hurt, agoraphobia... The list goes on. Anorexia is unique because the illness makes you want to be sicker, and that's so hard to get past. I'm not dysmorphic at all. I know I'm emaciated.. I like it, though. :-/ I'm holding out that I'll be able to get the psych help I need.
I can always go back. I'm holding on to that, too.
Much love <3
Thank you for such an honest comment, I can identify a lot, my eating disorder is my whole world too, my reason for being.
DeleteThe cruel thing about this illness is that we never get to enjoy being thin because we are never thin enough, it also tells us we're not sick. I believe my illness wants me dead.
I hope you choose recovery, I hope I do too,
Thanks for reaching out xxx
I have nothing to motivate me to change. like you this has been around since I was young, its been nearly 12 yrs of s/h and 10 of ed, and im terrified of a future without it, not because it is making me happy, but because i cant see any point of a life without it either. i dont want family, i dont want a high-flying job, i want none of it, i want out, and the ed was my way of trying to get to that vanishing point.
ReplyDeletethe thing i hate most about purging: being hit in the face with your own sick. do you get that too? how ick is that. also, bread. impossible to purge. oatcake, fine, hard, but it gets there, bread, its like blodoy cement.
anyhoo, i love you, keep going little star xx
I love you too Amaris.
DeleteI can relate, I don't have goals of aspirations, just my eating disorder. I don't want to be just an average girl, I want to feel special, this may sound childish but it's the truth.
Yes purging is a messy business and I have been hit in the face. It's not fun at all, it's not romantic or glamorous.
My teeth are crumbling and I can only chew on one side of my mouth.
I hope we both find the strength to beat this, we deserve a better life. Much love to you xxx
I hope you make the right choice for you, and I'm here to support you with whatever decision you make. I do hope you choose to recover though. You'll NEVER be average. Xxxx
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind comment, it means alot.
DeleteI'm lucky to have such supportive ladies around me.
Hope you are well, much love to you xxx
Oh Ruby, you're far from an average girl. You're so special, even if you don't see it. You know, you may have "fucked up" by leaving your support group before, but by going back you're showing that you're a fighting spirit not willing to give up. No one's going to think less of you, just the opposite. I'm sure they'll be so glad to see you. Whatever you decide you know you've got a lot of people's support, both online and in irl. Wish you the best xx
ReplyDeleteAh thank you, that is such a sweet thing to say and you're right, I am blessed to have such great support at home and online, I just have to find the courage,
DeleteHope you are well, lots of love xxx
It's taken a while for me to choose recovery (week 1). I basically said I'll give it until I get back from Singapore in August and see how I feel.
ReplyDeleteI am the WORST for holding on and making excuses for my disorder (some of them are quite ridiculous) like 'oh, well everyone expects me to be ill, can't disappoint them by recovering now.', 'oh it's all I know.' and so on.)
It is tough, I naively waiting for the 'lightbulb moment', but it didn't come. The mood swings are awful, plus I never was body conscious before, now I'm scrutinising every small change ('are my thighs close to touching' and this weeks 'woah boobs! Where did they come from!')
You managed to get off drugs, you know you're strong. Best of luck whatever you choose =)
xxx
Thank you Aggy. I can relate to making up excuses to hold on.
DeleteI also feel pressure to live up to the label of anorexic now I've been given it. I suppose if I wait until I am ready to recover I will never do it.
Best of luck with your recovery too xxx
I support you whatever you choose, if you choose recovery it will only work if you give it a proper go.. I want to see you happy and healthy and I know if anyone can do it you can. There is more to life than this, and you have the world out there waiting for you.. And like you said the reality is that your mum wont be around forever. You need to cope and learn to depend on yourself.. I think the only way to do that for you is to get past this. You have conquered so much in the past that I know you can do this if you truly try, and I do believe those are signs.. and your mother is right, you seem to be good with people, so many people love you and feel able to talk to you in the blogosphere.. it can be like that in real life too <3 fear and insecurity is the only thing holding you back but I know you can do this <3 much love x
ReplyDeleteThank you sweetie, it means so much to me to know that you are behind me supporting me. You have helped me more than you know since I have met you and I always look forward to your posts and comments.
ReplyDeleteI have retreated into a virtual world, I need to put as much time and effort in to my real life relationships too. I guess I'm afraid people won't like or accept me for me. I'm a people pleaser and I need to realise that it's ok if everyone doesn't like me.
Hope you are well today my dear, much much love to you xxx
hmmmmmm that is a good question. What is keeping me with my eating disorder. Like I said before I believe I am ednos. I feel like I am still too fat to let it go. It would be different if I was close to being underweight or underweight period. But I am not. I am still fat.
ReplyDeleteI also believe I can overcome it. I am trying to at least but it is not easy. Kind of hard when the numbers on the scale reflex a number you don't want to see.
I hope your mom continues to stay strong. I can tell she is a great women and I know she trying so hard to be supportive and I love that about her. She is not standing over top of you or trying to stop you from being you. Even if you are somewhat hurting yourself.
Keep fighting the good fight Ruby. You are making progress everyday even if it does not feel like it.*hugs* see you on the next post.
Thank you Winter xxx
ReplyDeleteI'm in recovery and not in recovery... depends on the day - even the hour of the day, environment and all kinda things. In general I'd say I'm in bad relapse of recovery. I did really well winter 2010 but things started collapsing at spring and I haven't been able really make things better from there, I'm trying though. To be sane, think clear, eat, not get mad at myself over that, not live through food and have a life. I'm trying. But without professionals it's gonna be a hard path to travel... I've got no money for the treatment, I don't want a record of it on my papers and I got damn bad luck with these people. I'm a strong person, strong enough to take these ups and downs that I create while I struggle to get away but not strong enough to go through that cycle of finding a good psych that is educated, can help and I'll let help. Point is I want away from this, but I'd rather have this than rip my guts open to strange people that really don't get it and feel raped, not trustworthy, betrayed, disappointed and so on. The main factor is the will to get better, honesty to oneself, recognizing the triggers, actions and all other key components, not that someone is telling you what you *should* do and why. So when thinking this way, it really doesn't matter if I got shrink telling me why I do what I do... I'll figure it out, maybe a day/month/ half a year later but I will figure it out by myself and I value that realization way differently than if it's handed to me. That's why my blog is now filled with these crazy plans... I'm trying to cope. My diary looks more positive gotta say ^^. And I think it's a lot that I've pulled myself out from depression - I don't want to die, I have friends, I'm quite happy, I have life, I have something to loose and something to fight for. All that in just two years, it's a lot things done and I do give myself credit for that. I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting better - even lately I've been slipping - and I'm happy to hear that you're heading that way too.
ReplyDelete<3
Thank you Tatyana for sharing that, you are very honest and I love that. I can identify with feeling in a kind of limbo between recovery and the illness, it's a strange place to be but you sound positive and hopeful.
DeleteI wish you the best with your recovery, you deserve to be happy and healthy. Thanks for reaching out xxx
Ruby, there is so much insight in your post. I truly hope you choose to live, because that's what it comes down to. It's not a choice between recovery or living with the ED at all really. It's a choice between really living, or dying. Sure many people hang on for years with ED but that's the luck of the draw, just as many die quickly. it could be in the next hour or tonight or tomorrow or next year - we never know. But why live a hell and then die? After getting through all you have already survived? I agree, you have nothing to lose by giving recovering a go and it's true if it doesn't work you can always go back to it. One of the things that's helped me come this far is telling myself that I didn't want to die from this without having tried EVERYTHING to the very best of my ability - everything, every possible way of getting better. And if I still didn't get better, then so be it, but at least I would know I'd done my best. I don't think you are a failure at all. You have been trying. That's not failure. Failure is not even trying at all. I doubt you would be judged for going back - the nature of EDs and addictions is many relapses unfortunately, it seems that it takes a process of trial and error to find what works for you. You are HUMAN.
ReplyDeleteAll those fears - yes they are terrifying. They scare the hell out of me too. But you know what? Fear can't hurt you. It's what you do in response to fear that hurts you.
Myself, I'm still fighting. Still not recovered but a lot closer than I was for a long time. Allowing myself to come this far has shown me that life is worth fighting for and that it's damn hard but I won't regret it - I just need to push past that crippling fear, myself.
Hang in there. I'll always support you. I just hope you give life a go and discover that you are amazing in far more amazing ways than the ED which isn't really amazing at all. Cause let's face it, skinny has been done by millions, it's nothing special. Being YOU - that's incredible and only you can be that. xx
I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm not nearly as has as you, it's only been a little over 2 years. But still, I took a huge step back in April and laid it all out there for a Psychologist. He said I was surprisingly stable but he wanted me to continue working on it over summer. I obviously haven't done that, but I'm considering going to my doctor and at least asking about the period issue. I wish you the best of luck hon. Just don't wait til you hit rock bottom to make a choice.
ReplyDeleteI've never been afraid of Mum dying, sometimes I think it would be easier if she died. What I fear is having to watch yet another slow drawn-out death. Why the hell is she hell bent on doing to us what her Dad did to her??
ReplyDeleteNone of this is elegant, none of this is glamorous, but still we hold because it's the best way we know how to cope. It's an addiction, a compulsion, a coping strategy and even a sick form of hobby. What the hell else are we going to do with our time and energy when we're not bingeing, puking, starving, exercising? How the hell else are we going to deal with a shitty day?
I fucking hate it when a sickness becomes your identity. I've always ALWAYS been depressed, how the fuck am I going to know what "wellness" looks like when if comes up to greet me? Standing at the airport waiting to pick up a nameless someone I've never met.
Take care of yourself, ok?