Hopefully maybe

I had my meeting with Mary and and my mother first thing this morning.
The anxiety had been building inside me all week.
Butterflies were doing cartwheels in my stomach.
The session actually started before we got to Mary as my mother and I chatted this morning.
My mother told me that she knew I had abused my meds this week and she knew how much I was binging and purging. It's so strange because I actually manage to convince myself that she knew nothing. That my web of lies was working. I guess that is the power denial, you believe your own lies.
She told me she knew how anxious I was about the wedding, I thought I had put up a good front pretending to be excited.
I explained to her the pressure I felt under to look well and be well. How I thought people judged how well I was by how much I weighed when the that couldn't be further from the truth

Then it was time to go.
I introduced my mother to Mary and then went in for a chat with her first.
I told her about the meds, I told her the binging and purging was out of control.
She listened and then spoke to my mother on her own, I sat in the waiting room trying to read their minds while reading about how to combat stress.
Then she called me in. First we talked about the meds and how to get on top of it.
My mother expressed great worry and her fear that I would burn the house down.
I suppose somewhere in the back of my head I knew this but  actually hearing her say it out loud was different. I explained how I use the meds to get a break from the eating disorder.
We eventually came to an  agreement that I would hand over my meds to my mother and she would dole them out to me. Yes this takes responsibility away from  me but I can't trust myself to take them properly just now and eventually handing back responsibility to me.
I think this will work.

Mary then spoke about my mother as a carer. She showed us a document that the Maudsley hospital had drawn up comparing different types of carers to animals like the ostrich, the rhinoscerous etc
We identified that my mother is a mixture of the dolphin and the st Bernard. Calm, confident and supportive.
I guess I am lucky she is that way, I suppose she has learned the hard way how to help an addict.

The great thing about Mary is that she really focuses on the positive and I really need that.
She asked my mother about the dancing and what she thought about it.
She became very emotional and said some truly lovely things.
She said it was a joy to be around me during that time, that I was focused and motivated and it was clear I was really enjoying myself. She said the night of the show was amazing and it was so emotional to see me dancing as I hadn't done it in so long.
As I listened I couldn't hold back the tears. She also acknowledged that the fact I started something and saw it through to the end was the real achievement.
It was  so nice to hear those things, that I had done something right.
She and Mary also emphasized how I had overcome drug addiction and if I could do that then I could do this. The meeting ended on a positive note and I was relieved it was over.

I am so glad I did this. I came away feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time thinking 'maybe I can do this.
My whole life people have told me I have great potential, my teachers, my doctors, my therapists.
But it meant nothing to me.
All it meant that I could do something, maybe, possibly.
It was no guarantee.
I thought they were just saying it to be nice and I 've never had that belief in myself.
I thought I had gotten away from drugs because I was just sick of the whole thing.
But I walked away from my entire life to start again in a new place where I know no one.
Maybe I do have strength I'm not even aware of.
I've never managed to overcome my eating disorder but have I really tried? Have I really wanted to?
I've been misreable for so long that I've forgotten how great it is to feel happiness.
I can remember the last time I really laughed and it was over a year ago.
I miss that.
I miss laughing so hard you think you'll burst.
I miss hanging out with friends.
I miss dancing.
I miss having a life.

I feel motivated to take my meds properly.
I'm going to the chemist now and I will hand them over to my mother.
If only for her peace of mind. She deserves that much.

I'm feeling hopeful,

Possibly maybe.............