Lather, rinse, repeat........

Apart from anorexia the question I get asked the most is 'how did you end up a drug addict?' and I was asked this just recently. I suppose I was not a likely candidate, I was an 18 year old girl from a good (ish) family, I had just finished school and had the world at my feet.
Instead of going to college or going travelling I ended up on heroin.
I find this question difficult to answer as there is no one reason. I think sometimes people presume I had a traumatic event in my life and that's the reason. I think the answer is a combination of genetics, environment, circumstances and bad luck.
My father was a heavy drinker when I was growing up, this completely turned me off drink because I had seen the effects at home. There is a lot of addiction on my fathers side so I probably was predisposed to becoming addicted.

Another reason I think, happened when I was about 10.
We got word from England that my fathers brother had died. I'll call him T. We were all told that he had died from a brail haemorrhage but I soon started hearing rumours from my cousins that this was not true and he had in fact died from a drug overdose and was found on the street.
You would think this would have turned me off drugs but instead it created an air of mystery around them
Years later when I started going to pubs and clubs at age15/16 whenever anyone heard my surname they would ask me if I was related to T. When I said I was they would always say what a great guy T was and relay stories about him. They were always the same, T was a great guy but he was mad in the head.
I built up a picture of T in my head, he was this popular guy who everybody loved, unpredictable and troubled but everyone accepted him. At this age I was also desperate to belong and to be accepted
and I started to think maybe if I took  drugs and was wild and crazy, maybe then I would be part of something. I found out from my mother years later that he was indeed very troubled and there was nothing glamorous about his life. He caused so much trouble at home and in the town that in the end my father gave him money and  bus ticket and told him to leave town. Maybe if I had all this information at the time I might have looked at him him differently but at that time in my mind he was a rockstar.

For the next couple of years I dabbled with different drugs but it wasn't until I met my then boyfriend that I was introduced to heroin. I smoked it the first time and the second time I injected it, going on to inject in my neck because the veins in my arms had collapsed.
At first this new world was exciting and we only did the drug at weekends so I could hold down a job.
Then the weekends spilled into the week, I started stealing from my job and I soon found out that this was no glamorous world, it was a nightmare. But once you're in this world it's so hard to get out, like trying to find your way out of a maze. I know some of my family blamed my boyfriend but it was not his fault, he just happened to be the one that gave it to me first. I would have come across it eventually.
I am a person who has to find out the hard way, you can tell me until you're blue in the face not to do something but I have to go and find out for myself.
The next few years were a neverending merry-go-round of drugs, methadone, treatment, lather, rinse, repeat, doing unspeakable things for money. I firmly believe I would not have got through it alive had it not been for my mother. She never gave up trying to help me, for a petite lady she has endless strength and energy. I am eternally grateful to her for that.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones, I got out alive and relatively unscathed. I moved away from the drugs, the people and triggers. I got the chance to start my life over. Yes I've had an eating disorder to deal with and I can't deny that I abuse my meds but things are a lot better than they were.
I am no angel and never was, I make mistakes every single day but I do try and learn from them.
People also always say to me that if I can beat drugs I can beat the ed. I'm not so sure.
This ed is so sneaky and cunning that it makes me believe I don't have it at all. I haven't given up hope but it wears me down a little bit more every day. As I write this I am planning my next binge. I have a fridge full of food and an empty house. My ed's idea of heaven.

Writing this has kind of helped me understand my drug taking a little better,
Thanks for reading this and much love to you xxx