Honesty is the best policy?

I got up early to walk my dogs as I was seeing Mary at 10am
I was so tempted to cancel to avoid the dreaded weigh in but that would just be prolonging the inevitable
She hasn't weighed me in 2 weeks and what with all the binging and purging I've been doing I expected it to be up a couple of kilos

But I went anyway
The first question she always asks is 'how have you been?'
I tell her about my week and how I went to see my doctor and am now going into the chemist twice a week to pick up my meds. I lied and told her I had taken them properly this week.
I don't know why but I just couldn't face telling her I had fucked up again. I hate seeing the look on peoples face when they're disappointed. I wanted to tell her, I really did, I just couldn't find the words.
So I back to square 1 with the meds
Back keeping secrets again
At this point she suggests doing the weigh in. I tell her that I'm not going to look.
I'm dying to know but I know I'll be crushed when I see the number go up
Then I show her my food diary. I hate revealing what I eat and how many times I've purged, yet another thing I want to keep secret. She identifies that I'm leaving too long between eating and this may be why I binge and then purge. She points out that eating little and often would help this. I agree and say I will try but all the while she's speaking I am planning my next binge in my head.
She asks about the shoplifting. I am honest and tell I have a few times.
We come up with ways to stop this like bringing someone with me and not bringing  a bag.
Then she asks me if I'd like to know my weight as it would give an indication to how the b/p is affecting my weight. When she says this I immediately think 'oh fuck, it must be up loads'
In the end it was up 0.3kg from 2 weeks ago
Relief floods through my body, that I can handle
It just goes to show that I can't trust how I feel or even the mirror. I was sure I had gained more.
To enforce her point Mary does a little experiment.
She gets 2 chairs and puts them back to back. She asks me to move them apart so I could walk through them easily. I move them to where I think I could fit through. She asks me to walk through and there is space either side of me. She tells me to move the chairs in to where I am. There is a significant difference.
I'd recommend this experiment if you are trying to get a real picture of your size.
It simple but effective
She then asks me about bringing my mother in to the next session. I'm nervous about this but I know it would help my mother so I agree, the appointment is on Friday and then Mary is on holidays for a week.
She finishes the session in the usual way by asking  me to write down my next steps which are
 - address purging
- address shoplifting
- sort out clothes for Italy
- make daily meal plans

I left the session and could feel a binge coming on.
I drove to the nearest supermarket and stocked up on binge food and shoplifted dog treats.
I know  it makes no sense, you would think I would be all motivated after my session,
Apparently not
So here I am with the day stretching out in front of me with a press full of binge food
I feel guilty for not being honest about my meds and my eating disorder will get great mileage out of that

I was wondering about you, how do you handle binging and purging?
How do you manage to break the neverending cycle?
I guess Mary answered that question for me today, eating regularly. I suppose I'm looking for a quick fix and there probably isn't one
Anyway we''ll see how today goes,

Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx