The joys of inpatient

The new system for taking my  meds correctly isn't working.
I took double methadone and double zyprexa yesterday and have just popped 2 zyprexa today
I spent a lot of yesterday sleeping and therefore not eating and also wasn't up in the night binging and purging
Now do you see why I take them?
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow, will I tell her?
Probably not
These pills are the only escape I get from my eating disorder, the only thing that calms my racing mind
I know, maybe if I took them properly that would help
I know I should, I'm only hurting myself
Like a true addict, I look forward to taking them, I'm in great form the day I collect them
I remember in treatment someone called me 'a dustbin junkie' because I would take anything
Sadly they were right
This behaviour is keeping me stuck
Everyday is the same, lather rinse, repeat.......

Anyway I'm not in as bad form as you would think. Having spoken to old treatment friends at the weekend I've been thinking a lot about treatment. Would I be willing to go back? There are only 3 inpatient facilities in this country and I've been to 2 of them. The first time was a disaster, when it came out that I was a drug addict they refused to treat me and I left after only 3 days. The next place was much better, I've been there 3 times but never finished the programme successfully because they discharge you if you don't continue to gain weight.
There is one thing stopping me from going back to treatment and I touched on it in a couple of other posts.
It was my second time in this programme and I was on bedrest. We were weighed 3 times a week and if you fail to gain weight twice in a row you are put on bedrest. This is as it sounds, in your pyjamas, in your bed all day. You are only allowed to leave for groups. So I was on bedrest but I was not very good at staying in bed and would be up every hour for a smoke. This particular day my mother had been to visit and the nurses had not come near me all day, not to check on me or say hello to my mother. She thought this was a bit strange but thought nothing more of it. My mother then left and I was getting cabin feverish because it was a Saturday and we had no groups and I had been in bed all day.
I went out to the little kitchen to make myself a cup of tea when I was cornered by one of the nurses.
She gave out to me and told me in no uncertain terms that I was breaking rules. Her tone was very unkind and I could feel  tears stinging my eyes. I walked away without saying a word and went for a smoke.
On my way back to my room I stopped at the nurses station, 2 nurses had their backs to me and hadn't seen me. I heard one say to the other 'I think I'm after upsetting Ruby, she's crying'. The other nurse turned to her and said in a very sarcastic voice 'Oh my God, you are such a bitch' as if to say big fucking deal.
At this point they turned around and saw me. Her face said it all, she knew she'd messed up.
I ran to my room and started to cry. The nurse followed me and said 'Ruby I wasn't calling you a bitch'
I said 'I know what I heard, you were taking the piss' She asked me if she could speak to me in the office so I followed her in. In fairness to her she could see how upset I was and was apologetic.
I was still upset and crying and I rang my mother who was on a train home. She immediately rang the nurse manager who said the nurse had done nothing wrong. The whole thing just escalated and I was so upset and ended up self harming that night. I still don't know if I over reacted or not but I couldn't help the way I reacted. What do you think, was she in the wrong?
In the days after things were tense. The nurse that ran our programme backed me and said the nurse was definitely in the wrong but other nurses were on her side and I don't know if I was imagining it but they seemed to treat me differently after that. In the end I  wanted to get out of there and orchestrated my discharge. I must stress that this incident was a one off and only involved a couple of nurses, most of the others were very kind. I've always played down how much this affected me but the truth is I was so hurt.
They were supposed to be helping me get well and instead they were taking the piss put of me.
I'd love to know what you think, were they in the wrong? Did I over react? Tell me honestly.

So this is one of the reasons stopping me going back to treatment, it's not the only one mind
I'd love to know what you think.

Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx