Daddy's girl

I'm still reeling from my findings about the olanzapine
The more I think about it the more I can't believe I've been quietly taking it like a good little anorexic
I feel like I've been duped, had , done
I've not been taking it for 4 days now and the difference is remarkable
I have more energy and I don't feel like I want to sleep all day
My mood has improved and I'm just generally feeling better
I'm now only taking methadone and I'm happy enough with that
I wrote a few posts ago how a lad that had been in hospital with me had hung himself
This guy was super smart and he really gave the doctors a run for their money
He constantly questioned them and stood up for himself
I remember one day we were given a talk about the benefits of medication
He made mince meat of the speaker and shot her down
I remember being so pleased
I don't dispute that some medication is useful some of the time and even as a last resort but the way they out hand pills in country is wrong on so many levels
The 2 sets of people who are treated like Gods in this country are the clergy and doctors
Well maybe not so much the clergy anymore what with all the recent scandals
But doctors yes, people take what they say as gospel and don't dispute it
Psychiatry is not an exact science, far from it

'How's the view up there Ruby?'
Yes, I'm on my high horse
I'll get down before I hurt myself

But this is more than just about the side effects of olanzapine
This is a bit of a revelation for me being a drug addict
I always thought the answers to my problems were in drugs and pills
They were the only way I get out of my head, literally
Realising I don't want or need them is a huge step for me
To actually want to be awake and not asleep or comatose is very new
It's good
It's great even

My dad is down for the day
I haven't seen him in about a month
My dad is a funny one
Our relationship was non existent up until the time I went in to hospital for the first time
I was in regular hospital for 4 weeks and then a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks
Even though he lived an hour and a half away he came to see me everyday
It was the first time we had sat down just me and him and really talked
Some days we didn't talk at all, we just sat, me writing and him reading the paper
He always brought treats, magazines or my favourite chocolate
Even though I was at my sickest I have fond memories of that time
I realised he wasn't just an alcoholic control freak
He was my dad
My older sister and brother don't really have a relationship with him and that makes me sad
He is great to talk to, we have the best conversations about anything and everything
He also loves my dogs just as much as I do
So as the four of us went for a walk this morning I was excited to tell him that I'd stopped taking the olanzapine. He used to be worried that I'd fall asleep driving or set the house on fire
He knew I abused it anyway
So I was wondering about you and your dad
Do you get on with your dad?
Do you want to get on with him if you don't?

Oh and another effect of not taking the olanzapine
I haven't been binging and purging half as much
I'm not planning my binges days in advance
I know it's early days but I just feel so positive about not taking it

Mary just rang
I'm seeing her tomorrow
I wonder what she'll think of all this

Until tomorrow x