There's something about Mary

I'm just back from seeing Mary
I was actually looking forward to seeing her as it's been 2 weeks since my last appointment
I was excited to tell her of recent developments
I explained about my findings about the olanzapine and how I had stopped taking it
I told her how my mood had improved greatly and I had renewed energy and zest for life
She expressed concern at stopping it so abruptly and encouraged me to speak to my doctor
I told her I had experienced on withdrawel symptoms but said I would speak to him
It's true though, I have a sudden burst of energy and vigour, I feel alive for the first time in a long time
I'm feeling creative and have an urge to write
I've always loved reading and English at school but my brother is a writer and I thought it was his thing so didn't continue writing after I left school
But now and ever since starting this blog I feel the need to write more an more
So I'm going to
It was strange today, we didn't even mention food until about half way through the session
I told her that the binging and purging has decreased and my obsession with food has lessened somewhat
One of the side effects of olanzapine is hyperphagia (obsessive hunger) and I definitely think I experienced that. I was constantly hungry and was always thinking about what I would eat next
This feeling hasn't gone away but has certainly improved
Pursuing other interests has meant their is less space in my head to think about food
She asked about the shoplifting and I confessed that I hadn't managed to get it under control
She suggested that I tell my mother  so she could support me
Up until now I've been avoiding telling her, I just don't want to disappoint her but Mary reminded me that my mother said at our meeting that nothing could shock her anymore
And I do believe this, she has been surrounded by addicts her whole life, sometimes I wonder how she has stayed sane
I was wondering what you thought, do you think I should tell her?
I'd love to know what you think
Then it was time for the dreaded weigh in
It never gets any easier
I knew my weight already as I checked this morning
No change
To my horror her scale read that I had put on 2 kilo
My heart sank in to my stomach and my mood plummeted
Tears stung my eyes as I stared in disbelief
I couldn't understand it ]
When I told my mother afterwards she said 'that couldn't be right, you look like you've lost weight'
I should have asked Mary to recheck it but I just couldn't think straight
I immediately started plotting my next fast in my head
Mary tried to calm me, tried to reason with me
She said that the number didn't mean anything, it's just a number
It's doesn't change the person I am or the positive changes I've made
It doesn't mean I'm fat or ugly or lazy or worthless
Then why do I feel that way
Through tears I told her I felt my eating disorder was slipping away and that made me sad
She asked me to describe my eating disorder
I compared it to an abuser
It grooms you and seduces you and makes promises that you will be happy if you do what it says
Once it has lured you in it turns on you and shows it's true colours but you still return to the abuser again and again in the hope things will change
Even though it's killing me I am holding on for dear life
I'm not ready to let go yet
We wrapped up the session with writing down my next steps which are to tackle the purging and shoplifting
I like Mary, she has such great insight, not just about eating disorders but about life
I'm glad to have met her

Since I've started writing this blog almost 2 months ago I've met some wonderful people. Writing this blog has definitely helped me a lot. I follow a lot of different blogs and since I've started 2 bloggers have left the blogosphere and another 1 is taking a break from blogging.
The first blogger left to pursue recovery and the second blogger found that their blog was unhealthy and wanted to live life in the real world. I think the blogger who is taking a break is thinking about recovery.
This is bitter sweet for me as I miss these bloggers but I also totally understand their need to pull back. I don't consider myself to be pro-ana but don't judge those who are and often read pro-ana blogs. I can understand how blogging could become unhealthy or even become a trigger.
If someone is choosing recovery I see how they might like to make a clean break and start afresh.
I often find myself retreating into the internet rather than dealing with real life.
I probably have more contact with people on-line than I do with my real friends.
Although I miss these bloggers I am delighted to know that they are choosing recovery and I sincerely hope they find health and happiness.
With that said I wanted to ask you some questions,
Do you consider yourself pro-ana?
Do you consider this blog to be pro-ana?
What does pro-ana mean to you?
I don't consider myself to be pro-ana as I didn't choose this illness and I don't like to encourage or promote unhealthy weight loss
I'm very ambiguous about recovery but I am trying to get well
I want to want recovery if that makes sense
I'd love to know what you think

Anyway I digress
The much anticipated wedding is just over 4 weeks away
I have the strongest urge to lose as much weight as possible but I am trying to fight it
Part of me is looking forward to it but part of me is dreading it
I love Italian food and that's what scares me
What if I lose all control and become an out and out binge monster
Holidays make me anxious because I like to know in advance where and what I'll be eating
On the flip side I love travelling
I love everything about it, the packing, the airport (great place for people watching), new places, new people, the weather, everything (apart from the food)
I love the way you can be whoever you want to be and no one knows your history
You can start afresh every single day
Instead of Ruby the anorectic drug addict, I can be anyone I want
I can be me

Thanks for reading this and as always lots of love to you x