Good morning lovelies,
I hope you are enjoying the this long and lazy weekend and that all you Brits had a good Jubilee weekend.
I seem to have lost the ability to type this morning, everytime I read back a sentence it is complete gibberish.
Anyway I'll press on.
I went to the shop and walked my dogs with my pyjamas under my clothes, a reflection of my state of mind today but it was early and I think I got away with it.
Even after my horrid experience with laxatives on Saturday I binged on them again yesterday. I am the very definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Why did I do this? I know better, I know they are a waste of time and just leave me feeling sick. bloated and regretful. The bloating remains today.
Also I made a very stupid mistake and miscalculated my methadone doses for the week. I forgot to take into account the bank holiday and add that to my indulging on Monday and I have left myself 2 days short. Not clever and not good. I fear I will go into withdrawel.
I must make it clear that I do not get high or get any sort of buzzy feeling off methadone, it simply keeps the withdrawels at bay and keeps me feeling 'normal'. Withdrawel from methadone is not pretty, some say it is even worse than heroin withdrawel. I've not experienced withdrawel in a long time but I have not forgotten how
painful it is. A time that springs to mind was one week that I visited my grandad with my mother. I had brought drugs with me but I was always greedy and used them all two days before we left. I spent the last night up all night in horrific pain. I could almost handle physical pain or mental torture on their own but both together and that is just to much to bear. Physical symptoms include alternate cold chills and hot sweats, painful stomach and muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhoea not to mention insomnia many more delights. That night was endless and I felt like I was dying, like my body was turning inside out. You would think this would've turned me off drugs but it just made me crave them even more.
I must add that it probably won't get this bad as methadone stays in the system longer than heroin so I might just get away with a sleepless night and some discomfort (I just typed uncomfort). Here's hoping!
Tomorrow is the start of a new week and a fresh start. I plan to listen to my body and not deny myself.
I plan to walk my dogs twice a day now that the evenings are long and warm.
I want to want recovery more than anything, I promise I do. Maybe I should take heed from my ex-sponsor and fake it til I make it.
I wish I wanted more for myself
I wish I could overcome my anxieties and fears
I wish I could find the courage to go back to my support group
I wish I wanted recovery
I wish you did too
I wish I didn't value measure my worth by how much I weigh
I wish, I wish I wish...........
I watched The Time Travellers Wife last night, it made me cry. I wish that someday I find a love like Clare and Henry.
I hope you have a lovely, lazy bank holiday Monday,
Thanks for reading and much love to you,
Until tomorrow xxx
i somehow knew that you would be able to relate to my post! I guess it very important that we have people who understand where we are coming from, but also an environment where we can blossom, something like positive influence and positive role models.
ReplyDeleteI really really hope your bank holiday goes well, i adore you so much for staying clean! keep it up!you are doing really really well and it is something only very few people are able to! and remember - you have beaten heroin (and you are beating it every day) all the other goals you have cannot be harder to achieve!
Love, L.
Thank you Loulou for you kind comment and support.
DeleteSo true that we need to identify with others but also have a place to flourish and grow. I don't feel I have truly blossomed yet but hopefully someday, much love to you xxx
Just started reading your blog too!
ReplyDeleteTotally forgot it was a bank holiday and went to work! Found it all locked up... ah well, got me out the house I suppose!
I do hope your fresh start works out.
And weird! I'm suffering the consequences of laxative abuse today (took them every day for a week, water retention, nausea, my skin is dry and yellow, PLUS takes 24 hours for them to kick in instead of 12) Yet I STILL think 'hmmm, maybe if I have some more it might make me feel better...' Never learn!
Good luck!
Thank you Aggy,
DeleteThat's funny you turned up for work today, totally something I would do. Thanks for your comment, I'll look forward to reading more of your blog xxx
Hey, I think you are an amazing person, dont let the small things wear you down too much because I think you forget how much you have gone through and how much you have overcome. Heroin is no minor drug, and it is no easy feat to overcome, yet you have done it and we are all very proud of you. We all have our off days, I just hope you dont withdraw too bad, I have seen how painful it is, watching my cousin writhe in pain in withdrawal.. and I am praying that you can get through the Jubilee weekend in as little discomfort as possible. I am glad you want recovery, I hope that I can be where you are some day.
ReplyDeleteLove you lots, so glad I have found in you a friend <3
Take care x
Thank you sweetie, today was not as bad as I feared thank God.
DeleteI am so glad to have found a friend in you too,
Thanks for being there, much love to you xxx
Ouch, hopefully the withdrawel symptoms won't be too bad "// I wish you wanted more for yourself too, you deserve so much more, darling. Maybe your sponsor was right, sometimes the fake it til you make it approach is just the right thing. One thing is for certain though, if you don't change anything, things will remain the same. Love xx
ReplyDeleteTrue words and yet it is that very change that I fear, thank you for your kind comment xxx
DeleteI hope that you're not in pain. You are one of the strongest people I know, you've been through so much. You can do absolutely anything you put your mind to. Never feel like you're unable to achieve anything. You have my, and everybody else's, full support. You're not alone. All my love.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, that is such a nice thing to say.
DeleteYou too can achieve your dreams and I hope you do my dear,
Lots of love xxx
Happy Jubliee to you too. I hope you will be okay without your meds for two days. I wonder if there is anyway for you to stretch them? I don't know how it works with how often you take them.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you are having a good day so far aside from the mini typo's( I didn't see any ) lol.
Thanks for describing the withdrawal symptoms because I have always wonder why people where freakin out or went back to using. Kind of don't blame them if that is what happens when you try to do right.
I have to watch that movie. An ex friend of mine watched it and she did cry. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. I am off to work shortly.
Thanks Winter, I hope your having a good weekend too,
DeleteI highly recommend that movie, I'm a sucker for a good love story. Much love xxx
I hope you had a better day. Much love sweetheart.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I did Katie and thank you, much love to you too xxx
DeleteHey hun, I hope you're feeling okay.. I find I can go a day without the meds, without too much discomfort, the second day gets worse, but I hope that with your other meds you can get through.. If you have benzo's, that will help.. Best thing would be to split what you have into smaller doses, unless you realised too late for that.. Don't you hate when that feeling of withdrawal gets into any of the sleep that you do get? I hated that, it would make me experience sleep paralysis, which is awful and it would creep into my dreams, only when I woke up, it wasn't gone, it was far worse =/
ReplyDeleteI would do that with the drugs too, I think when it's there, it just plays on your mind til they're gone, may not even be greed, just knowing their burning a whole in your pocket, so to speak. I had a friend who would literally run home to use, because she couldn't stand the thought of having them there and not using, she'd literally be opening the package on the run home =| Drugs are evil. The true definition.
I watched that movie, it was pretty awesome. Sad, but awesome. Just getting my head around the mere possibility of time travel is confusing! It makes my head hurt!
I hope you feel okay sweet, if you need to talk to someone who understands, I am always here x
Thank you and I know you understand all too well unfortunately.
DeleteI actually got through the day ok, just took it easy. Whether I sleep tonight is another matter. I have my doctors appointment first thing in the morning so not long to wait.
It just sucks to be so dependent on these damn drugs.
I hope you are well and minding yourself,
Much love sweetie xxx
I'm glad you don't have long, just get your head down and try to sleep think of little dancing faeries, coz they make everything go away ;) (no sarcasm intended! yeah right, lol)
DeleteAnd btw, I saw your pics, I was on my phone though and couldn't comment bc of the weird character things they ask for! Lol... I just wanted to let you know, that I think you are absolutely beautiful and now I know it's true of the outside too! (not that it would matter, bc you are beautiful enough on the inside for both)
Love and sunshine ;)
xxx
Hey sweetie, I hope you are okay, I'm quite worried to read this. It's such a huge step to have beaten heroin like you have and I can see how easy it is to spiral downwards again!
ReplyDeleteI've always found myself drawn towards things that I know are going to hurt my body. Even if they don't do anything for me and aren't something I want. do you find that?
I hope you are feeling better. xxx