Weird huh?

Good morning my dears,
I hope this post finds you well today.

The dreaded withdrawels did not happen as bad as I feared. I experienced some discomfort but nothing I couldn't handle, my nose was running like a tap and my eyes were streaming but I managed to get some sleep so I am grateful for that. I remember the last time that I went into withdrawel. I was visiting my sister in Australia for a month and had a months worth of methadone with me. I binged on it the first week I was there and left myself so short that I only had enough left to take it every second day. The flight home was a nightmare. I was I in physical pain and mental torture and thought I would never get home,thank God it was nowhere nearly as bad this time.

Usual Tuesday morning routine for me today, doctors appointment first thing, then the chemist, then walked my dogs. My doctor is the nicest man but we rarely talk about anything medical. Today we talked about the Jubilee and he briefly asked me how therapy is going. I suppose I see him so often that we end up talking about other things like books or films. Is that weird?

I walked my dogs in the chilly morning drizzle and I listened to the radio. The radio is a lifeline for me, I listen to phone in/chat shows and it helps to quiet my racing mind and take me out of my own head. I used to listen to a show called 'The Gerry Ryan Show' and I loved it. It was at a time when I was drug addicted and deeply depressed. I'm more of a listener than a talker and I find it relaxing to listen to others talking without having to speak myself. So this show got me through the morning and by the time it was over at 12pm I always felt a little better. Gerry died suddenly 2 years ago and I was devastated, He was so funny and full of life that I couldn't quite believe it. He died of heart failure and it then came out that he was abusing cocaine, I had heard this but I didn't want to believe it. He left behind 6 children. I didn't know what to do so I wrote his wife letter to tell her how much he had helped me during a very dark time in my life. The show that replaced him is not nearly as good and I still miss him. I suppose it was an unlikely place to get help. Does anything out of the ordinary help you?

Another invaluable source of support are my 2 dogs. I've had them for 7 years and cannot imagine life without them. Again they take me away from myself and help calm the committee in my head. When I cannot find a reason to get out of bed I have to get up for them. When I don't want to leave my house I have to get out to walk them. There would be something very wrong if I stopped taking care of  my dogs. They are such good company and give unconditional love. I remember seeing a t-shirt once with the slogan 'I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am'. So true.

My weight was down this morning, only slightly but enough to make me smile.
I'm very aware that my food habits get stranger and stranger. I've noticed that I only eat foods that I find easy to purge and if I know I can't purge then I don't eat. The only place I feel comfortable eating is at home. I also seem to be developing weird habit with my utensils. I will only eat with certain knives and forks and also only use certain cups, plates and bowls. It's more than  a bit OCD and I'm not sure of the reason for this. Have any of you experienced this

I know that I promised my mother that I wouldn't but I took double my methadone and anxiety meds this morning. She is away until Thursday and I figured what she won't know won't hurt her. Gut it is still wrong and I feel guilty already. I do it to sleep the day away and get a break from my eating disorder. I crave escape and oblivion and sleep is a sweet release. I will be honest tomorrow and tell Mary, she might be able to give me some advice. I also gave in to another temptation this morning and shoplifted 2 packets of twix.
Again I feel incredibly guilty about this but nor enough to make me stop. I'm not even sure why I do this, yes money is tight but that is not the real reason. Getting caught does not bare thinking about but I know it is inevitable. That would shame me to no end but still I do it. It's hard to admit to this behaviour but I have to be accountable somewhere. Any suggestions on this matter would be gratefully received.

I hope you all have a lovely day and much love to you all,

Until tomorrow xxx