Fear and Loathing in Sydney

I was supposed to ring Mary this week but I still haven't done it
Not that I don't want to see her but she will weigh me and I just can't face it
I don't know if I've gained but it wouldn't surprise me after spending 10 days in the pizza and pasta capital of the world
My mood is good since I've been home and I know that's because my sister is here
She lives in Sydney but she is home for 2 weeks
We get on like a house on fire and crack each other up
My mother and I are going over to her for Christmas this year with the option of staying for 3 months on the holiday visa
I've been to Sydney once before but it almost ended in disaster
I had moved here 8 months previously and was supposed to be drug and alcohol free but I was having sneaky drinks on the side
My sister was also drinking quite heavily
One night I decided to try and find the local NA meeting
I found it but it was over so I sat for a while outside the community centre to people watch
Some people were setting up a free food stall for the homeless and it was attracting a big crowd
Of course I especially noticed all the drug addicts and dealers
All of a sudden a hit of heroin seemed very appealing so I approached a fella who sent me over to another guy
He said he was going to his friends flat and they were going to score so I decided to go with him
Looking back this was an incredibly stupid thing to do
These lads could have robbed me, beaten me or worse
Anyway we arrived at his friends flat and started talking about getting some crystal meth
I had never taken it before and didn't want my first time to be with strangers so I tried to talk them in to getting heroin but they were having non of it so I reluctantly agreed to get the meth
They rang their dealer and of course he took forever and a day to get to the flat
Looking back on my drug career I see that I spent most of my time waiting for people who were in absolutely no rush to come and meet me
Anyway the dealer finally arrived and the 2 lads proceeded to shoot up the meth
I had no clean syringe so I mixed some in water and drank it (not the right way to take meth)
By this time it was getting late and I just wanted to get the fuck out of there so I walked home
I arrived home to my sisters apartment and I felt like everything was in fast forward
I became very paranoid that my family would cop on that I was out of my face so I went upstairs
The paranoia became worse and I was convinced my family knew so I tried to avoid them, not easy in
a one bed apartment
There wasn't a hope of me sleeping that night so I sat outside all night chain smoking
The next morning I was already craving more so I went down to the bins where I had dumped the bottle I had mixed the meth in and fished it out
It took me nearly 3 days before I felt normal again
I am so glad I haven't come across crystal meth in this country as it is highly addictive and has the added bonus of loss of appetite
So this is why I am slightly nervous to go to Sydney this year
I am clean off drugs a couple of years now but I'm not complacent about my recovery, I know how quickly a relapse can sneak up on someone
I was just reading about the Rausling case In England
Such a heartbreaking story
Hans Rausling was the heir to the Tetrapak fortune
He met his wife Eva in drug treatment in 1989 and they married in 1992
They both managed to stay clean for the next 11 years and were active members of NA and AA
But on New Years Eve in 1999 Eva decided to have a glass of champagne and her husband joined her
They awoke they beast that is addiction and soon were back on drugs
They were mind bogglingly wealthy and live in a house in Belgravia worth 60 million pounds so you can imagine how much drugs they were taking
The house promptly became a crack den
A few weeks ago when police were searching the house they noticed a smell of decomposition and found Eva's body under a pile of clothes
She had overdosed and had been dead for 2 months
Hans was arrested and in interviews said he was in denial about her death and didn't want her to go
They have 4 children

It just goes to show that you can never get complacent about recovery
As the say in NA and AA addiction is cunning, powerful and baffling
I would never be so cocky as to say I would never use again
It's always a possibility
They say a relapse happens long before you pick up the drink or drug
It starts with behaviours
You might start thinking you don't need to go to meetings anymore
You might think it's ok to hang out at the pub
You might start to think one drink would be ok
While in Italy I noticed that a lot of people seemed to be able to have one or two drinks and leave it at that
I could never do that
When I got the taste of drink or drugs I just couldn't get enough
As they say in the meetings 'One is too many and a thousand never enough'
I envy people who can enjoy one or two drinks and then walk away
Addiction is a progressive disease so if I relapsed now I would pick up where I left off and it would only get worse and worse
I used to attend NA and AA and found them a great support
But then my anxiety started to get really bad and I couldn't speak in front of people
I was also abusing my meds so technically I wasn't even clean
I haven't been to a meeting now on over a year so I am what they call a 'dry drunk'
I've pushed all my friends away and am becoming more and more of a hermit
My birthday is next month and I'm going to be 30
I find this really tough to get my head around as I still feel 20
I think I stopped developing mentally and emotionally when I started taking drugs and when my eating disordered developed
People say I look a lot younger than 30 too and I definitely feel it too
I lost my twenties to addiction and anorexia/bulimia so I don't want to lose another decade

I said I would do a food post so I'll post some pics
I don't need to tell you that the food in Italy was amazing and it's also my favourite type of food
The wedding meal was 7 courses over about 3 hours and I purged 3 times to get through it
It included a sea food platter, sea food pasta, asparagus risotto, beef, lemon sorbet and 4 different desserts
Delicious!!!
I love sandwiches and the bread was so good, crispy and crunchy filled with slivers of pink parma ham, plump tomatoes and lettuce
While others wanted to see the sights of Italy, I wanted to find the supermarket or the food markets
I really had no opportunity to binge and purge although sometimes I would go back to the apartment earlier than everyone else and binge and purge a couple of times
I'm sure it was obvious that after every meal and snack I excused myself to use the bathroom but I didn't care, sitting with the full feeling was too much to bear
My top 3 favourite meals were -
3.   Parma ham, lettuce and tomato panini
2.  Pennette al Ragu
1.  Steak with peppercream sauce and chips

Eating out all the time was difficult as regards to purging
I am always afraid the toilet won't flush and I'll be found out
Thankfully all the toilets had good flushes
How sad is it that one of the good points of my holiday was that the toilets had good flushes

Anyway here's some food porn for your enjoyment..........