Olympic Hangover!

Has anyone else got caught up in the hype of the Olympics?
I don't usually but this year I most certainly have, maybe because they were held just across the water in London
I watched the visual spectacular that was the closing ceremony last night and wow, what I would've given to have been there
For the most part it was brilliant, Jessie J, Emile Sande, Tinie Tempah, Madness, The Spice Girls and many more. London sure knows how to throw a party
Everyone looked like they were having an absolute ball and a great finish to what were a massively successful Olympics
Although I have to admit there were a couple of cringe worthy moments last night
George Michael, you were great back in the day but please drop the 'drunken uncles dance' not even you can pull that one off
The other thing I really didn't get was the appearance of the 'supermodels' including Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell. Heck if I knew who the rest of them were.
Am I missing something here but what do supermodels (or supernoodles as my sister and I call them) have to do with the Olympic Games
They looked ridiculous strutting up and down and totally out of place

I found the Olympics really inspiring
My favourite events were gymnastics, swimming, diving and boxing
It's amazing how these young men and women have the drive, strength, determination and work ethic to strive for their goal of being the best in their chosen field
For such a small country Ireland did so well and the woman of the moment was no doubt Katie Taylor who won the gold in the womens light weight boxing
Others who did well were Jade Jones, Beth Twaddle and many many more
These are the women we should be looking to as role models
They are shining examples of how it is possibles to reach your dreams
I hope young girls all over the world watched the Games as I did in absolute awe of these amazing women
Why oh why do we so often look to celebrities as role models
I understand looking up to an actor or a musician, someone who as accomplished something but I can't fathom looking up to someone who is famous for being famous
I think fame should be a by product of achieving something and not the only reason someone is known
Why also do we look up to people based on their physical appearance?
How is starving yourself to an unhealthy weight an accomplishment and something to emulate
I have to admit that for a long time I thought the only thing I was good at was losing weigh and considered it my greatest accomplishment
But now I'm slowly starting to see that there is a lot more to Ruby than anorexia/bulimia and drug addiction
When I was a child I was a bit of a high achiever
Not just as school, I also swam competitively and studied ballet and jazz
But I grew tired of being a 'good girl' and when I started secondary school I made new 'cool' friends, took up smoking, then drinking, then drugs
I was more interested in being cool and impressing boys than I was in dancing
All in all I spent over 10 years in a haze of drugs and all the while my eating disorder was silently developing
My one major regret is giving up dancing
But now I think it is way more 'cool' to be good at something, to be passionate about something, to dedicate your life to being better
Out of my group of school friends I was the only one to develop I drug addiction
I have often wondered why this is
True, they dabbled but their lives were not devastated in the way mine was
We were all brought up in the same town, in a similar fashion so why were they able to leave their drug use behind them and I went on to develop a serious heroin problem
I'm sure genetics loaded the gun and maybe up bringing, environment, circumstances and bad luck pulled the trigger
Addiction is rife in my family so maybe it was fate
Looking back on myself as a teenager I can see that I was very immature and probably still am
I thought I knew everything when in fact I knew precious little
I did and said exactly as I please and didn't give a flying fuck what anyone thought of me
I actually would give anything now to not care what people thought of me but back then I didn't care enough
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I so admire these young athletes
To have the presence of my mind and the vision to work so hard for their dreams is truly amazing
I'm sure it's not easy and they have probably sacrificed so much but I'm pretty sure it is worth it
I've been told my whole life that I have 'great potential'
I hate hearing that
What does it mean?
That I could, maybe, possibly do something great
No guarantee
I often wonder that if I could go back in time what would I say or what advice I would give to my teenage self and would I even listen?
I would probably tell myself not to give up dancing, not to give up on my dreams because they are not 'cool'
I would tell myself that I have my whole life to worry about boys and drinking and drugs
That the 'coolest' thing is to be yourself and that I don't need to impress anyone
If I could go back in time would I change anything?
Apart from giving up dancing I don't think I would change too much
Even the nightmare that is addiction and disordered eating
Those experiences have shaped the person I am today
There have been such devastating lows but also incredible highs
I have met the most amazing and incredible people

I was wondering about you
If you could talk to your child or teenage self, what would you say or what advice would you give her?
If you could go back in time would you change anything?

Since I started writing this blog nearly every week a blogger I follow has stopped blogging for various reasons. Some have decided to give recovery a shot and some have simply found that life is more important than being thin
The most recent blogger I follow who has decided to recover is 'Pretty lies and Fake Smiles'
It is bittersweet for me when I see that a blogger is leaving the community
I feel sad because I will miss them but mostly I feel happy because they chosen life
Anorexia/bulimia/Ednos is no way to live although I know not everyone in this community has a diagnosed eating disorder and considers themselves pro-ana
I feel like I am in limbo in more ways than one
I am flirting with recovery but even though I have gained some weight my mind is still so very sick
I'm engaging in therapy but my eating disorder is still ever present
Also in regards to my blog I feel in limbo
I don't consider myself pro-ana but I do read pro-ana blogs
I also read an follow recovery blogs but I commit to neither way of life
It's a strange, wishy washy, no mans land place to be
As I have often said, I want to want to recover
Having my sister home is good for me
She lives life to the full and that rubs off on me
I had such an urge to weigh myself last night
I resisted though
I have 2 pairs of jeans that I call 'my anorexic jeans'
I tried them on last night and although they still fit and I can close them fine, they hang on my hips the way they used to
So I bit the bullet and put them away at the back of my wardrobe and also fished out some jeans in a bigger size that fit me better
This really was a big deal for me

I am going away again tomorrow, to Cork with my sister, my aunt and my mother
So I may not get to blog again for a few days

Hope you are all doing ok and am sending love to each and every one of you