Peter Pan Syndrome

I saw Mary yesterday
I hadn't seen her in almost 3 months
Even though I had already weighed myself at the weekend and knew the number, I was still anxious to have her weigh me
I hadn't even sat down when she gestured to the scale
I took off my hoodie and boots as if they would make a difference
I stared straight ahead as she made note of the number
I was dying to know the number but I didn't look

So we talked about the last couple of months
I told her about Italy, Cork, swimming in the sea and horse riding
The last time I saw Mary I had been purge free for 2 weeks, had stopped abusing my meds and had stopped shop lifting
Unfortunately I didn't keep up these positive changes
I started purging again in Italy
It was either eat with everyone else and purge or play it safe and restrict
To be perfectly honest I didn't want to miss out on the world famous Italian food so I chose the former
And I wouldn't have missed out on that food for the world
The 7 course wedding meal
The ice cream
And of course the pizza and pasta
I haven't managed to get back on the wagon yet
I am the queen of procrastination
I am not purging too much but I am still purging
Since I came home from Italy I have been abusing my meds again
Using them as a means of escape from my eating disorder
I've also shop lifted a couple of times and it always seems to be something stupid like dogfood
I hope to get back on track

Mary talked about my worth not being measured by the numbers on a scale
I'm trying so very hard to be aware of this
I hate how much power those little numbers have over me
If the number goes up I spiral in to a black hole depression
If it goes down I sky rocket in to euphoria
Every little gain or loss analysed
I don't measure other people's worth by those numbers so why do I measured mine that way?
She asked me how would I feel if my BMI was 21
I wondered why she was asking me this and it suddenly occurred to me, is my BMI 21?
No she said
Relief
By this time curiosity has got the better of me
Is my BMI 19?
No
Is my BMI 18?
Not yet
Ok so my BMI is 17, I can live with that
Did I gain weight this week?
No, you stayed the exact same
Relief
I don't know why but I am terrified of my BMI going in to the normal healthy range
I'm not ready for that yet
They say that eating disorders aren't about weight but it is partly for me
Regaining the weight I lost is difficult
With every pound I gain I lose a little bit of my eating disorder
'Isn't that what you want?' I hear you cry
Yes, I do want to get well but that doesn't make gaining weight any easier
Sometimes it's hard to imagine my life with out anorexia/bulimia
They have been with me for so long now
I often liken my eating disorder to an abuse
Like an abuse anorexia grooms you and lures you in with false promises of happiness
Once you are seduced and you are held captive, the eating disorder shows it's true colours and how evil it truly is
They say there are 5 staged in grief
Disbelief
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance
You could go through all of these in one day or over a few months or years
I definitely experienced these when I gave up drugs and I'm sure they apply to eating disorders too
Losing my eating disorder means I have to grow up  and I really don't want to
I turn 30 in less than 2 weeks yet I still feel the age I was when I first developed addiction, 18
Growing up means becoming an adult and everything that comes with it
Responsibility, jobs, courses, relationships
I'm not sure I have enough belief in myself to be able to do these things
Having anorexia not only kept me in a child like body but it also kept me a child mentally too
Even now after gaining some weight, I still don't look my age and people tell that I look 10 years younger
Although if you look closely you will see my hair is starting to turn grey
If you look closely you will see my face is creased with wrinkles
Being 'normal' and healthy also scares me
Without anorexia I am just an average girl
Without anorexia I am normal
Without anorexia I am healthy
When I was a child I had a feeling that I was going to something special with my life
That my life would have a purpose
I still get that feeling sometimes but I don't know what that special thing is
Having anorexia made me feel special
I wanted to disappear but the more I wanted to vanish, the more attention I got
I used to think that if people felt sorry for me then they would like me
I favoured sympathy over dislike
Mary also told me to prepare for my periods coming back
This terrifies me also
I haven't had a period in over 10 years and had got used to life without it
But if it comes back it means I am healthy and grown up
Without my period I can still trick myself in to believing that I'm not grown up
She also said that my sex drive may come back
I haven't had a sex drive in years perish the thought of letting someone see my naked body in all it's vast glory
I really don't know what would be left if my eating disorder was taken away
How would I cope?
For years it's been my go to coping mechanism
My eating disorder is like a big fuck off shield where all my feelings bounce off it
To quote Pink Floyd it keeps me 'comfortably numb'
With Mary's help I am learning new coping skills
Healthy ways to deal with whatever life throws at me
I'm trying to accept the fact that I can't do a Peter Pan and stay a child forever
I'm trying to see that I don't need anyone to look after me, that I can look after myself
I'm trying to see that the numbers on a scale should not dictate my mood, self esteem and self worth
I'm trying to believe that I am not a bad person and may even be a good person

When I was trying to kick heroin for the umpteenth time I said to myself that I would give recovery a shot for 6 months and if it didn't work then I would kills myself
As morbid as it sounds this actually helped me
Paradoxically knowing I could end it all kept me going
Anorexia will always be there but recovery will not
Thankfully things did get better
Anorexia and addiction are a lot alike
The lying, the stealing, the isolation, the highs, the lows
Same shit, different substance
But the are different in 2 ways
1. You can cut drugs out your life, obviously you can't food out of your life, well you can but that would be defeating the purpose
2. Drug addiction is characterised by extreme highs and lows, anorexia is more like a monotonous numb feeling
It could be argued that it's harder to recover from an eating disorder than from a drug addiction
I would say it's pretty much even
Drugs are a psychologically and physically addictive
Anorexia is a mental illness with physical side effects
I believe that if you are prone then you can become addicted to pretty much anything
I have not only been addicted to drugs and alcohol but also prescription drugs, shop lifting, smoking, methadone and more obscure things like television or tea
If I get a good feeling off something then I am prone to become addicted to it
A good rule of thumb is 'everything in moderation, including moderation'

I am trying so very hard to ignore anorexia and bulimia
Eating breakfast, take that anorexia
Not binging, in your face bulimia
Enjoying an ice cream, pow!
Eating a meal I don't know the calorie content of, wallop!
Every mouthful of food is like drop kicking my eating disorder
My ex sponsor used to say to me, 'Ruby, if you don't know what to do, do the opposite of what you think you should do'
This was good advice, practical but simple
If I think I shouldn't eat dinner, I eat dinner
If I think I should stay in bed all day, I get up
If think I should throw myself under the next speeding car, I think again

So today I urge you not to listen to the lies of anorexia/bulimia
Make her weaker by doing the opposite of what she wants
The truth is she wants us dead and let's not give her the satisfaction
Thin is not beautiful

With all that said I was wondering about you
Why do you hold on to your eating disorder addiction?
What purpose does it serve?

Stay strong,
Keep fighting x

This is my dog after I caught her just after she helped herself to a sandwich I had left in my room,
Guilty or what!

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