Treatment 101

I've been in touch with some friends from treatment
A group of them meet up in Dublin every couple of months
Not just the eating disorder girls, but anyone who wants to go so there are people with depression, anxiety and other mental illness
I went to the group once a few months ago
They are meeting up in September so I hope to go
I've also been in touch with a girl who I met the first time I was in treatment
We were glued at the hip
It got me thinking about that time so I thought I would share it with you

It was 2008 and I was 25
I was in the midst of a very dark anorexic episode
I was working in a pizzeria (where else), although I don't know how as I was very unwell
I was also an exercise addict
I had bought a stepper and used to park it in front of the television and stay there for hours
I lived off chocolate and nothing else, burning off the calories before I ate anything
I weighed religiously every morning and was losing weight rapidly
One morning I felt so ill I thought I was going to die so my mother talked me in to going to A&E
I was too weak to resist so I agreed to go
We sat in the waiting room for hours until I was finally seen
Immediately I was put on a drip and told that I was going to admitted
I was given a bed that night and a nurse weighed me
Afterwards I overheared 2 nurses talking
'Oh my God, she only weighs 35 kilos'
I was glad they were shocked, that meant I really was anorexic
It's a sad truth that I spend more time worrying about whether I don't have an eating disorder than if I do have an eating disorder
I was put on a high observation ward
I then found out that a girl had recently died from anorexia in the hospital so that was why they were taking my case seriously
I saw the dietician who put me on a high calorie diet
They also had a care assistant sit with all day every day
She even had to accompany me to the bathroom and shower
Of course I still managed to hide food and lose weight
I was waiting for a place in treatment to come up so after 2 weeks in hospital they transferred me to the local psychiatric hospital to wait for my place

St. Columbas was a different kettle of fish
I was in with people who were very ill
Depression, personality disorders, schizophrenia and many more
One girl was admitted after she had gone to the bank ant tried to withdraw a million pounds under the name
Angelina Jolie
She really believed she was a famous actress
She had a boyfriend who visited her everday, he was also very unwell
He turned up one day dressed in a tuxedo, got down on one knee and proposed to her
How romantic
They tried to make me eat but I was annoyingly stubborn
They made me stay in my room for an hour after eating
I purged in a plastic bag and stored it in my wardrobe
After 2 weeks my place in treatment came up
The day I left I remember the nurse saying to my parents that I had been one step ahead of them the whole time

Treatment was a psychiatric hospital in Dublin that had an eating disorder programme
I had no idea what to expect and was incredibly worried that I would be the fattest anorexic they had ever seen
One the first day I remember seeing everyone queuing up to get their meds
Being and addict, I was jealous and so decided I wanted meds too
I told the nurse I couldn't sleep so they put me on zimovaine
After a few weeks they put me an anti depressant and an anti anxiety med
I was so drugged up that every time I sat down I fell asleep
The programme was full on
Groups all day including goals, body image, art therapy and meal planning
Not to mention groups after every meal
We were weighed every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and had a goal weight to meet
If you missed your goal twice in a row, you were put on bedrest
Needless to say I spent a lot of time on bedrest
I remember being down in the coffee shop one day with someone, the adolescent ward were also there
One girl in particular caught my eye
She was very thin, pale and had a haunted look in her eyes
It was quite shocking to look at her
All of sudden it occurred to me 'Is that what my family see when they look at me?'
This thought made me feel so sad
I saw the same girl again about 2 months later
I was delighted to see that she had put on some weight and looked so much better
I hoped she'd be ok
My heart wasn't really in treatment
I played along and went through the motions but I had no intention of getting well
I still purged and lied about it
I abused my meds
The good thing about treatment was the other girls
We bonded quickly and they were some of the most beautiful, warm, giving, loving, talented people I have ever met
We were an unwavering support for each other and genuinely wanted each other to get well
Other times in treatment I did feel a sense of competition with the other girls, to be the 'best anorexic' or the 'sickest anorexic' but not this time
I was especially close to 2 girls called Theresa and Karina
We became firm friends fast
On a Thursday we used to go to the supermarket to get ingredients for our meal on Friday
This particular Thursday myself, Karina and Theresa went over
Karina received a phonecall and became very upset
After she hung up she told us that 2 people had been murdered in her village
She didn't know who it was and feared it could have been her family
We were shocked and tried to comfort her
Karina tried to get in touch with family but couldn't get through
We rushed back to the hospital and by now Karina was terrified
We looked up teletext and it was there it was confirmed that it was in fact Karina's family
Her father and brother had been murdered
The doctor and nurses brought Karina in to the t.v room and her sister arrived who had been a patient in another hospital in the city
I can still hear their screams
We were all numb with shock, couldn't believe it
We didn't know what to do so we walked hand in hand over to the chapel to say prayers
Krarina and her sister left to go home
Then they had us go to a group with a bereavement counsellor
I remember not being able to take anymore so I feel asleep
Things were not the same after that and I struggled to get back in to the swing of treatment
I started to lose weight again and was eventually discharged for failing to gain weight

Once home I fell in to a deep depression
I had been in the bubble of treatment for the previous 6 months and now I was home with little support and I didn't know what to do
I went to see my psychiatrist and I wanted to be admitted to hospital again
He wouldn't hear of it and told me I had to learn to cope at home
I got so angry with him and couldn't hide it
He asked me which part of food I was struggling with
'The eating part' I spat at him
I remember telling him I was going to throw myself under the nearest car
He upped my anti anxiety meds and told me he'd see me in a month
I couldn't pull myself out the hole I was in and started to abuse my meds and drink
Everyday I drank vodka and popped pills until I passed out
I was trying to restrict but the meds gave me a savage appetite and so I binged and purged
I started to gain weight and it was driving me insane
I couldn't stop eating and I had no idea how to stop
I went to New York that summer and when I saw the photos I cried
I reached an all time high weight of 60 kilos and although I was not technically over weight, it did not look well on my small frame
I stayed this way for the next 2 years until one day I ran in to a friend I hadn't seen in a while
She remarked that I had lost weight
I rushed home to weigh myself and was delighted to see I has indeed lost 10 lbs
This triggered my next anorexic episode
I stopped taking my meds and went back to restricting and exercise

I have been in treatment 3 times since then but I'll tell you about that another time

I was wondering about you
Have you been in treatment?
Was it a positive or negative experience?
If you haven't been to treatment would you consider it?