Why?

I often wonder why?
Why me?
Do you?
I suppose I could also ask why not me?
But mostly I ask why me?
Why did I become a heroin addict?
Why did I develop an eating disorder?
Where did it all start?

I can trace my food issues back to when I was a child
My father was a heavy drinker and a control freak and my mother was an enabler
All of us kids wanted her to leave him, begged her to but it wasn't until I was 18 that she finally got the courage to walk
She has since told me that she didn't want to leave until her kids were raised
I can understand this but I often wonder if things turned out different if she had left earlier
My mother and father couldn't be more different
Where he is insecure, she is confident
Where was is a drinker, she rarely has a drink
Where he is a controller, she is a free spirit
Where he is a loner, she is a social butterfly
So while my house was full of anger, chaos and tension I turned to the one thing I had for comfort, food
I loved my food
I remember people used to always say to me 'Ruby, you have such a great appetite, you really love your food'
I hated when people said this, I thought they were saying I was greedy
I didn't want to be a 'good eater'
I wanted to a petite, delicate eater, eating little bites and saying 'oh no thanks, I'm full'
I remember going to my bestfriends house next door
Her mother was an amazing cook and they always had a big, black pot on the stove
Everyday I would say 'what's in the big, black pot today?'
And her mother would let me taste the yummy food
In fact, a lot of my childhood memories are related to food
A few years ago I was going through old photo albums
I found a letter I had written to my mother when I was maybe 6 or 7
It simply said 'Dear mammy, thank you for all the lovely dinners, love from Ruby'

As a grew in to an anxst ridden teenager, food took a back seat as I discovered drink and drugs
But out of my group of friends, I was the only one who went on to heroin and became addicted
So why me?
Why out of all my friends did my life become so unmanageable?
I guess the answer is complicated
First of all I look at my fathers side of the family
There are 9 in his family and everyone of them has battled addiction in one form or another, including drink, drugs and food
So genetics was against me from the get go
Addiction was never discussed growing up so I had no idea I was vulnerable
My uncle died when I was 10
We were told he had died of a brain tumour but then heard on the grapevine that he had in fact died on the street from a drug over dose
Like a lot of things in my family, it was never discussed, it was just brushed under the carpet
Environment was also a factor
I had grown up around addiction therefore it was familiar
Wanting to escape also, I was so unhappy at home and spent as little time as possible there
The tension in our house was thick, one wrong word and my father could blow his lid
He was ok when he was drunk, all happy and loving
But it was the hangovers you had to watch out for
I remember one morning my mother asked my father if he wanted breakfast
He picked up his cup of tea and threw it in her face

I guess the company I kept also contributed
All my friends dabbled in drugs and as I became addicted I only hung around with addicts
I started going out with a boy when I was 16
I knew he was in to drugs and that was part of the attraction
Just after my 18th birthday he introduced me to heroin
I remember that night so well
He injected and I smoked
The next time I also injected
I was hooked instantly
We stayed together for the next 6 years but we were more like partners in crime than boyfriend and girlfriend
So I suppose bad luck also played a part
Being in the wrong place at the wrong time

All the while I was addicted to drugs my eating disorder was silently developing
I had no idea I had anorexia until a nurse sat me down and told me
In the beginning it wasn't about weight at all
All I knew was that not eating made me feel good
I chopped and changed addictions for the next few years from food to alcohol to drugs to prescription drugs
Shop lifting was also a problem
I started shoplifting as a young teenager and used it as a way to get money for drugs
I also began shoplifting food to binge on and have only stopped doing that recently

Out of 6 people in my family, 4 of us are addicts but thankfully all of us are in recovery
My brother is the only child who has escaped addiction
Tellingly, he is the most like my mother
He is able to have a glass of wine with dinner and leave it at that
I never do this
I didn't drink to enjoy the drink I drank to get drunk
As they say in AA 'One is too many and a thousand never enough'
Tellingly my brother is most like my mother
I think I am a mixture of both my mother and father
For the next few years I chopped and changed between addictions, from drugs to food to alcohol to prescription drugs
Ironically, it wasn't until my family turned their back on me that I finally saw what a mess I was
Up until this point they had enabled me, giving me money, bailing me out of situations, my mother even drove me to my dealer
But when they stopped all this I was up shit creek
I was totally alone
My boyfriend and I had broke up and I was a young girl in a big city with a heroin habit
So, so vulnerable
I got in to so much trouble, did unspeakable things for money and of course people took advantage of me
With the support of my family I managed to quit heroin and stop drinking
I haven't used or drank in nearly 3 years
Prescription drugs are another matter
After having a short time clean, I've recently gone back to abusing them
I'm on methadone, anti anxiety and an anti depressant and I abuse them all
So technically I'm not clean at all
When I first got clean I used to go to AA and NA but stopped going as I was experiencing massive anxiety
I also felt excluded from the group but that was probably my fault as I kept at a distance and never went to social gatherings
I could do with the support right now but I can't see myself going back any time soon

My eating disorder is still very active
I spent most of yesterday binging and purging
I have a path worn fro my kitchen to my bathroom
I did make an appointment to see Mary next week and hopefully I can get back on track with her help
To be honest, I can't imagine a life without my eating disorder
What would I do?
What would I think about?
How would I spend my time?
What would I work towards?
I suppose the answer is I would have a life
I'd have friends
I'd have a boyfriend
I'd go to school
I 'd have a job
I''d have hobbies
I' be just like everyone else
Average
And that scares the living shit out of me
As much as I don't like to admit it, my eating disorder makes me different
It makes me stand out
Dare I say, it makes me special
I don't want to be average
I want to be different
I want to be me

I often wonder if I could go back in time would I change anything?
I think I can honestly say that I wouldn't
As hard and as low as addiction and anorexia/bulimia have been, there have also been highs
I have been to drug and eating disorder treatment 7 times and I have met some of the most amazing people
The other girls I have met who have eating disorders have been, without exception, the most kind, giving, talented and beautiful people I have ever met
I would never have met them otherwise
The picture of the angel below is a drawing a lad in treatment gave to me
He made it in art therapy
He and I were very close and he gave me this picture with a beautiful message on the back
I was blown away and so touched
We are still in touch
So no, I wouldn't change a thing except maybe how much I hurt those around me
Through addiction I have experienced so many things that I otherwise would not have
I've been to the university of life

I was wondering about you
How did your story start?
Would you change anything if you could?

Here's some random photos from my room

Thank for reading x