Detox

So I'm 5 days in to my methadone drop
Again, it was only a 5ml drop but any drop is a big deal
I collect it at my local chemist every Monday and Friday
There used to be a really kind chemist that worked there
I had been dealing with him since I moved here 7 years ago and he always took the time to talk to me, ask me how I was getting on and give me encouragement
I was the only person in my town on methadone and I kept it a secret from anyone who didn't need to know
It really made a difference to me that he was so kind and warm
Then one day about 2 years ago he was gone
I have since found out that he was fired for being 'too friendly' to a female customer
I find that hard to believe
He was replaced by a girl who is perfectly civil but not as nice
Now they have a new chemist and she is just lovely
Today when she saw my methadone had dropped she said 'That's great Ruby, you're making good progress'
It really made my day
Heroin addicts and people on methadone have such a bad name and I do my best to dispel the myth that we are all liars, thieves and cheats
Not a lot of people know I'm on methadone, just my family and all of you of course so it was nice to hear something positive and encouraging
They say that methadone is harder to come off than heroin
They say it gets in to your bones
I well believe this as any detox I've done off synthetic drugs has been much more difficult than a detox off natural drugs
I've only done one methadone detox before when I was 19
I did it in hospital and it wasn't too bad as I was just at the start of my drug career and so wasn't so physically dependent
This time is different
I've been on methadone now for 7 years
I started on 70mls and over the years have worked my way down to 30mls
Any drop from here on in will be tough
Methadone withdrawals are not pretty and are both physical and mental

- Sweating
- Insomnia
- Muscle aches and pains
- Diarrhoea
- Vomiting

And plenty more
Then there's the mental effects
People can experience anxiety and depression after stopping completely
Methadone is so difficult to come off as it is long acting (as opposed to heroin which is short acting)
It stays in the body for up 48 hours so even though I take it every day I would be  ok if I missed a day or two
I don't know if I'm imagining it or nor but I've already experienced sweating and lack of sleep
I can't lie and even though I know it's a good thing, I am terrified to detox completely
It has been such a big part of my life for so long that I can't imagine life without it
It holds me accountable
I have to see my doctor every week and do a drug test so it's a deterrent to using
I am so very afraid that the craving to use will come back
And I swear I would rather die than go back to that life
The murky underworld of drug addiction is a horrible place
Once addicted to heroin you get incredibly sick if you don't have some every few hours
I remember one Christmas a few years ago myself and my family went away for Christmas
I brought along what I thought would be enough drugs for the few days
But I was always greedy when it came to drugs and I they were gone in 2 days
Withdrawals quickly set in and I begged my parents to take me to a doctor
It was a small town in the west of Ireland and I'm sure the doctor had no experience of addicts
He didn't entertain me though and gave me a few Effexor which was like giving someone an asprin for a heart attack
The next 2 days were a living hell
I spent them in bed, alternating between cold sweats and hot flushes
I couldn't get any relief, there wasn't a hope of the sweet release of sleep
I felt like my body was turning inside out and there was nothing I could do about it
I will never forget the pain I went through then and so I am anxious not to repeat that

I have stopped taking my other meds, the anti depressant and the anti anxiety
I can't seem to take them properly so I'm not going to take them at all
They also give me a ravenous appetite so I won't miss that
In fact my eating has changed this week
Bulimia has stopped in her tracks and my appetite has all but vanished
Don't get me wrong, I am glad that bulimia has left the building but I don't particularly want to go the other way either, anorexia is not much better
I have bounced from addiction to addiction my whole life
Food to alcohol to drugs to prescription drugs..........
And so I seem to have moved from abusing my meds to restricting again
Eating disorders and addiction and are so very similar
Same shit, different substance
The behaviours are the same
The lying, the stealing, the shame, the guilt
But where as drug addiction and bulimia are similar, a roller coaster of extreme highs and lows
Anorexia is different in that it  is more like a never ending, monotonous, numb feeling
Not feeling hungry is very triggering though
That empty feeling is triggering
It is very tempting to go down that road again
Anorexia is whispering softly in my ear trying to lure me in with false promises of happiness
She sounds warm and friendly and tells that 'this time will be different'
'This time I really will be happy'
She tells how good it would feel to reach an all time low weight
How satisfying it would feel
But I know her all too well by now
I know that she will seduce me until I am captive
I know that then she will show her true colours and how evil she truly is
I know that along with the weight I will lose my mind
I know that she will get stronger and stronger the more I listen to her
I know that before I know what's happening I will be a shell of a girl
I know that with the high of weight loss comes the low of depression, anxiety and paranoia
I know that even though my bones become sharp I will still believe that I am fat
I know that I will never get to enjoy the one thing I crave the most because I will still think  am fat
But even though I know all this she is still hard to resist
'I am all you need' she tells me
'You can't live without me'
But in fact the opposite is true
The truth is anorexia will not be satisfied until I am dead
She wants me dead
So I will do my very best to fight her off
I will try my hardest not to listen
I will keeping trying to keep some semblance of normality to my life
I won't give up

I was wondering if any of you lovely people out there have ever done a methadone detox or a drug detox
I would really love to speak to someone who has been through this
If you don't want to leave a comment feel free to email me
I'd love to hear from you