And how heroin of all drugs
I have an uncle who when he has a couple of drinks, tries to pin me down on the exact reason as to why I started taking drugs
He wants a specific event or even person to blame it on
God knows it couldn't be my fault
But there is no one answer
Yes my home life was chaotic
Yes I had no confidence
Yes I was a risk taker
Yes I wanted to fit in
The real answer is that it was a combination of things
Circumstance, nurture, nature, genetics, environment, being in the wrong place at the wrong time and just plain bad luck
People seem to have no problem asking me about drugs as they can understand how someone might get sucked in to that world and have the misfortune to become addicted
But eating disorders are another matter
No one likes to talk about eating disorders
Even though people are fascinated by them, not many people tall about them openly
Therefore they are completely misunderstood
I've lost count of the number of times my sister has said to me 'I don't understand the whole food thing'
Then why don't you try?
Why don't you ask me?
You're probably dying to
People have said all the usual things to me over the years
Is because you want attention?
Why do you want to be so thin?
Boys don't like skinny girls ya know?
That thin isn't pretty ya know?
They presume I must want attention but in fact the opposite is true, I want to disappear
They presume I want to be thin, I don't I want to die
They think I'm doing it to impress a boy, I'd rather eat my own foot than have a boy touch me
They think I'm doing it because I'm vain
What is vain about throwing up every hour?
What is vain about having a yellow complexion, brittle hair and dry skin
Yes, people have a lot of strange ideas as to why I'm doing this
They think it is a disorder than only affects rich white girls
They think it's a teenage thing and therefore a phase
I remember meeting my uncle when I was at my lowest weight of 77lbs
He didn't know what to say to me so he shoved 150 euro in to my hand and told me to 'buy myself something nice'
What like food?
Even though I knew his intentions were good, I was highly insulted
People are happy to talk about the fact I used to inject heroin in to my neck but they can't handle a conversation about food
But of course we all know it's not really about food
That is just a symptom of a greater problem
I believe eating disorders are a form of addiction
I use the same behaviours in my eating disorder that I did in drug addiction
The lying, the stealing, the guilt, the shame
People think this is just a phase
That I can stop when I want to
If that was the case I would have stopped years ago
Of course eating disorders are a metal illness and no one likes to mention mental illness in polite conversation
My family is a little different in that addiction and mental illness are rife
But It is talked about but only in a round-a bout type of way
It is whispered behind closed doors
I remember going through a particularly nasty bout of depression
I was just home from a long spell in treatment and immediately relapsed
I felt utterly hopeless
I remember my family trying to snap me out of it
My doctor did little more than increase my medication
No one could understand why I was in such despair
The thing is mental illness is invisible
You can't see depression or even bulimia
Governments don't put enough money or resources in to mental illness because you can't see the results
Better to put the money in to something where you can see a tangible outcome
How's the view up there Ruby
Yes, I'm on my high horse now
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all should talk more about our disorders
Everybody should
It can only help
Help us get through it
Help to raise awareness
Help to educate others
I remember when I was a child a teenage neighbour killed himself
He walked in front of a train
My own family never really acknowledged this
Never sat us down and explained what suicide even was
This left me confused and I formed my own misguided opinions of what suicide was
Nothing was spoken about when I was growing up
My parents still haven't had the 'sex talk' with me
Periods were never explained and I had a very strange idea as to what a period was until a friend set me straight
Talking about these things can only be a good thing
For everyone
Things for me are pretty much the same
I spent yesterday walking from my kitchen to my bathroom
In other words binging and purging
I call it binging but they weren't really binges
I had 2 fish cakes
Purge
2 more fish cakes
Purge
A sandwich
Purge
But they feel like binges
Any food feels like too much
The other days I've been existing on Weight Watchers 0 point soup
Delicious, filling and guilt free
It occurred to me the other day that I am lazy
I walk my dogs twice a day but no other exercise
I decided I need to exercise more
So I ordered a stepper which I'm picking up tomorrow
I had a stepper a couple of years ago when going through a dark anorexic period
I used to park it in front of the tv and stay there for hours
I wore it out within a few months
I don't intend to take it to such an extreme this time but who am I kidding, I probably will
My mother has already expressed concern and I'm sure Mary will have something to say
I feel numb these days
A quiet acceptance of my fate
Hope is hard to grasp
I see a glimmer of it sometimes but I think it's just an illusion
A trick of the light
I am increasingly becoming a recluse
Only venturing out in early morning so as to avoid people
My friend has tried to ring and text me
But I don't want to bore her with my misery
I try to stay in relatively good form around my family
But I'm sure they know I am in my own personal hell
I'm not quite sure where to go from here and so I seem to be delving further in to my eating disorder
It's strange to think I am 30 now
In some ways I feel I lived a hundred lives
But in others I feel as though I am still a child
It's a confusing place to be
I am needy like a child
Needing constant reassurance
I can barely look after myself
Or rather I don't want to
Everything seems like an enormous effort
Even washing
Everything is followed with the question 'What's the point?'
Maybe I am slipping in to depression
I'm not quite sure
Whatever it is I don't like it
Do you talk about your eating disorder/mental illness with others?
My family have always talked very openly about most things, including my ED and addictions, so I don't face that much. My friends sometimes get weird when they try to ask questions about my ED, but I don't see why to be honest.
ReplyDeleteCareful with the stepper, please be safe. I used to do hours on an aerobic step until my calf muscle bulled up so much so quickly. I haven't touched it since and I've even stopped running in the last week to try to get rid of it. Im very compulsive with my exercise and definitely go to extremes, so I understand it's hard not to go overboard. Just don't ask more of your body than its willing to do, please xx
I'm glad Bella, that you can talk openly with your family, it's so important. You seem to have good support from your brother and mother.
ReplyDeleteI'm already considering cancelling my stepper order.
I too am compulsive and know I will set myself ridiculous targets to meet. It's horrible knowing you can't relax until you have a certain amount done and guilt if you don't get it done.
Thanks for your concern though
You are too lovely x
I think it'd be a 'step' in the right direction (pardon the bad pun) to think about canceling it. I hate the feeling of stressing all day from the second I wake up about exercising. It's so constant and I have gone through short periods of not exercising before, but it's slways hard. The less access, the less chance of it becoming a problem. It's such a trap, and for me it never even helped me lose weight. It becomes compulsive so quickly, but I don't need to tell you that. I hope you think about canceling the order xx
DeleteI think I will Bella, why put even more stress and strain on myself
ReplyDeleteLove ya x
I'm an incredibly private person. I was talking about this challenge I'm on and all the things I'm not supposed to eat with my mom last night, and she said " don't starve yourself for 24 hours before the weigh in, you're not that stupid." That sort of hit me. I'm doing this as a way to get healthy and try to recover, but there are aspects about it that seem disordered, like the strict diet and the point system. But I can't talk about it with people. I barely talk about how I used t cut, but I have Kent people in on that. But my end...never in the open. I only talk about it with people that have had one or have one themselves. Like you said, people would look at me as stupid and vain. Its difficult to want to be open, but you can't because no one understands.
ReplyDeleteI understand, I'm quite a private person too, it takes me a while to open up to people too
DeleteI'm so glad you are trying to get healthy,
Best of luck x
You're right that no one talks about eating disorders. People just don't understand them. They don't know what to say. I don't talk about mine aside from my blog and possibly to my study therapist.
ReplyDeleteWould talking to your family about it help? Do you think you could help them understand? I have no idea because I've never tried.
If not your family, maybe a counselor?
Did you go to any AA or NA meetings?
Also, from your blog it doesn't seem like you're lazy. It might be that you just don't have a lot of energy because you don't eat a lot. Being lazy is when you have a lot of energy and choose to use it to watch TV.
Hey Emily,
DeleteI do talk to my mother but not really to the rest of my family
I would like to talk to my sister but there is a bit of tension between us at the moment
I talk to Mary my therapist so that's good
I didn't go to a meeting yet, I'm trying to muster up the courage. Hopefully I will go
Thanks Emily x
I love u ruby, im sorry ur hurting so much.
ReplyDeleteI hate ppl think its a vanity thing. its an insult to a girl whose lifes upturned by an illness to have it labelled as a vanity illness. insulting.
im so fed up of everything sorry i cant find anymore words. i love u.
One lost girl to another xxx
Thank you Sweet P
DeleteI love you too
Yes it is insulting, people really misunderstand anorexia and bulimia
We are both lost but we are lost together
I'm glad I found you x
I don't really talk about my ED to my family. They don't understand it at all, and don't even try to, they just think I'm mad. However, my friends are totally amazing and one in particular is helping me to 'spread the word' about the dangers and horrors of EDs which means so much. I use my blog as a means of talking about anorexia. I think your blog is wonderful, you are so honest and open, the world needs more of this. I hope the stepper doesn't trigger your ED, please be careful! XX
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteSome of my family are like that too and I'm afraid I've pushed all my friends away even though two of them have eating disorders. I'm glad your friends are a good support though, we all need someone to talk to x
I don't talk to my family at all about my eating habits, but I don't see them much and I don't want them to worry every time I visit.
ReplyDeleteOne of my closest friends found out by reading my blog, but his reaction was if I didn't start eating, I'd have a lot more problems because he'd kick my ass. That was helpful.
I have three friends from my old job that know, but only one ever really talks to me about it. And I wish he wouldn't, because he only scolds me for fasting, then goes on and on about how he's trying to lose 25 lbs before he can gain muscle... and he uses that same strategy I do.
I have also tried to talk to my boyfriend about it. I told him because of the immense pressure he always put on me about my eating habits, but he didn't even know what anorexia really was. He's more considerate of my feelings now, but we never talk about my disorder.
I've never been the kind of person to talk about my feelings, but I have a lot of days where it would just be so much better to sit down with someone I'm close to and try to get them to actually understand what this eating disorder really is.
But you're absolutely right Ruby, people dance around the subject, whisper what they think behind your back, but they don't actually care to learn.
Unfortunately mental illness is still such a taboo subject, people prefer to pretend it doesn't exist. I'm trying to be more open about my eating and depression. I think it's so important to raise awareness and warn young people of the dangers.
DeleteI think young girls think having an eating disorder is glamorous but if they knew the truth they wouldn't think so.
Thanks for your comment x
I've been reading your blog for a while now, but never commented before - you seem like such a lovely person. I'm so sorry that you've been struggling so much lately. I wish I could something to help you.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that just like you I feel like a child in so many ways and I'm a similar age like you (28). Like you, I've wasted so many years and I feel like my mental development was put to a halt for the last 15 years or so, when it became my mane concearn to disappear by losing weight. I've become a (little) bit better in the last one or two years and it just hit me then how in so many ways I don't act my age. I know it shouldn't, but it makes me feel like one big failure.
xx
xx
Hello c and welcome!
DeleteI can relate
I think maybe I stopped developing emotionally when I started taking drugs and when my eating disorder started at about 16
It's weird, I still feel that age
I sometimes feel like I'ma failure too, I'm 30 and have nothing to show for except countless trips to treatment but we are not failures, we are survivors, we're lucky to be alive.
We've had so much life experience and that has to stand to us.
We will get there,
Thanks for your comment x
You know, I kinda reckon that people want to understand just because they couldn't fanthom how you could be dissatisfied with your life and need more. My therapists and family have tried desperately to get me to blame (lol, I first spelt blame blaim. Terrible piggy, terrible) someone or something for the problems. God forbid we're not happy. Its a strange phenomenon, but I don't think anyone can understand what its like, until they've been through it. xo
ReplyDeleteThis is true Piggy, explaining it to someone and living it every day are two completely different things, I think people are curious but they don't ask questions and so the myths surrounding eating disorders live on.
DeleteThanks Piggy x
My family deny that mental illnesses exist. Psychiatric conditions and disabilities, sure. But mental illnesses are mostly invisible so they assume they aren't real.
ReplyDeleteIt's a massive crock of shit but I've got no way of getting through to them.
I'm open about my depression. If people ask questions I answer honestly. I also dispel myths about EDs when I can, but I don't talk about my food problems. I figure they fall more into the realm of disordered eating than an eating disorder, but that's probably only because giving in to it completely would put me back at the parent's nonexistent mercy :/
It certainly surprises people to hear me say "Omg that poor person! They're so sick!" when a skeletal person plods past. They're about to go "Wow! They're so skinny! *Admiration*" and I railroad that BS quicksmart. I'm always tempted to go up and give them a hug, but I can't without freaking them out XD
Talking about it is good. I had to listen at doors to find out the truth about my uncle's murder and what happened to the guy who did it.
Walking your dogs twice a days sounds like a fair bit of exercise already. Lol, I'm imagining the kind of dog walks you'd need for our old German Shepherd. Big dog=lots of walking. You should rig your stepper to self-destruct after half an hour. Push play for 30mins a day and all that crap http://journal.nzma.org.nz/journal/116-1179/535/
That certainly sounds like depression to me *Huggles*
You may have to grow older but you don't have to grow up! I'm still a kid on the inside, but a kid who happens to have a job and have her own place where I'm not yelled at for playing minecraft until 3am if I want to.
Find out what the kid in you wants, what it needs. Then try to give it that if you can. Play with lego, watch a movie, have fairy bread for lunch, wander the toy aisle at the Warehouse, wear a ridiculous wig around the house, have a cup of tea in the sun and read a book, attack the footpath with chalk. Something to make yourself a bit pampered and like a kid. (Except as "adults" if we really REALLY want that shiny doll we can come back with the next paycheck and get said shiny doll *Guilty look at slowly growing collection of Monster High and MLP dolls*)
Thank you for your comment *Hugs* Having to censor so much in daily life makes these blogs really important. I had to delete my FB because having to censor everything I said got really frustrating and depressing. Omg I wish I could come start random debates with you so you can learn to enjoy intellectual argument! My mates at KAOS taught me that people can argue for hours on ethical/political/philosophical matters and hold differing points of view on a topic and still be friends. I'm so glad they did. I wish you could come argue with Aunty Dave and Tailgunner and Obnoxious Yank and Marge and The Boy and Boadicea. It was so much fun.
You're too awesome to waste your energy worrying about the opinions of prats.
For when people try to peck at you for being you, try thinking like Applejack, Freddie and Kirk.
http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r61/Tater_Salad187/Haters-gonna-hate.gif#haters%20gonna%20hate%20gif
http://benisawesome.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/funny-gifs-freddys-gonna-fred.gif
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/001/569/insp_captkirk_5_.jpg
All my love and many hugs from down here in Kiwiland <3
Hey Peri,
DeleteThat's weird, I also had an uncle who died in suspicious circumstances. It wasn't until years later that I found out how he really died. We were told he died of a brain tumour.
I would love to be able to enjoy a good debate but there was so much fighting in my growing up that I was wary of conflict and couldn't tell the difference between an argument and a debate. Maybe someday you can teach me.
I'm glad you aren't going to censor your blog anymore, write for you and don't worry about anyone else, as you said if someone is prone to being triggered they will see them everywhere.
Love always from the land of leprachauns x
Hi Ruby, thanks for stopping by my blog. And I'm so glad to have come across yours. Can I just say - wow! - what a brave and strong person you seem! I really admire your honesty in writing what you're feeling - it is to be saluted.
ReplyDeleteYou're right - writing really helps - it is therapy in itself, expressing what we feel helps release it and transform the pain into something else - something shared and lessened somewhat. That's what I think. Don't give up this wonderful truthful blog - keep it up! You mightn't know it, but you are helping others with your sharing.
Here in Ireland, there is a lot of communication problems about serious issues. It's everywhere! It can get you down sometimes, but I guess all we can do is keep speaking out against it somehow - and I think this blog is a good start. And quite brave!
And I think that glimmer of hope you mention is real, it always is, and can grow bigger and brighter the more we focus on it. Keep fighting, keep writing, keep your head and heart up :) xx
~ Siobhán
Hey Siobhan,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words
I must say, I love your blog too
Yes, writing helps me so much, if I have something doing a loop in my head I find I can sort it out by putting pen to paper or finger to keyboard
Oh your in Ireland! Snap! Me too!
I wondered from your name if you were Irish
That's a coincidence
I'll look forward to reading more of your wonderful writing x
I never talk about it with anyone, mainly because it's difficult to explain things to people when I don't even understand them myself.
ReplyDeleteI'm working to change that though.
Thank you for your insight <3
Oh!! this picture have a very fun funny pics
ReplyDelete