Control The Freak

I've been thinking about my childhood a lot this week
Maybe because my sister is having some trouble with her son
Nothing serious, he's just being cheeky and a bit difficult
I'm sure he's confused
Confused as to  why his parents don't live together and why his aunt is a mess
He's 12 now and super smart, he picks up on everything
Even though I wasn't aware of it, my food issues started very young
I loved food as a child, it was  the highlight of my day
I  guess I turned to it as there was a lot of chaos at home
My dad was a functioning alcoholic and a control freak
It was like once us kids got to a certain age he completely turned on us although I got off lightly compared to my older brother and sister
My mother spent all her time trying not to upset him
There was a big age gap between me and my older siblings so for the most part I felt like an only child
My parents fought everyday and I walked on eggshells
It was ok when he was drunk, he was all happy and laughing
But it was the hangovers you had to watch out for
One morning in the kitchen, my mother asked my father if he wanted breakfast, he replied by throwing a cup of tea in to her face
I remember as a child packing my suitcase to run away
I packed two things
Socks and bread
I had a thing about bread
I remember my neighbours used to put out bread for the birds and when they went in I would sneak over and gobble it down
People used to say 'oh look at Ruby, she's such a good eater, she loves her food'
I hated this
I wanted to be a petit, delicate eater, only taking little bites
As I grew in to a teenager I spent as little time as possible at home
I remember restricting at school and worrying about weight
I did ballet and one day my teacher told me that I was losing too much weight
I was secretly delighted
At the barre, I looked at the girl in front of me
Her arms were thinner above the elbow and I remember thinking 'I want that'
By now I had started to dabble in drugs and I have to admit, part of that was wanting to lose weight
My mother told me that when I was in school one of my friends mothers rang her to tell her that I was purging in their bathroom
I honestly have no memory of doing this but I don't rule it out
Fast forward to age 19 and I'm living in Dublin with 3 friends
I used to steal their food and I was so confused as to why I was doing it
They used to blame each other and I was too ashamed to admit it was me
I was due to start a new job the next day and I remember feeling so overwhelmed that I sat up all night crying and slashing my wrist
By now I am taking heroin and things are going pear shaped
I became addicted very quickly and my life turned up side down
My father talked me in to applying for a job in the bank and the night before I was due to start, a huge row broke out at home and myself and my mother walked out
We checked in to a hotel for the week and I started work
The job was in Dublin and I had easy access to drugs
I used to go and score in my work clothes (bank uniform) and they dealers used to think I was a guard
A couple of months later and my mother finds syringes in my room
I leave work and things get even worse
My sister, an alcoholic at the time, moves in and things are chaotic to say the least
The next few years are horrific
A never ending merry-go-round of drugs, treatment, methadone
Inevitably you end up doing all the things you swore you'd never do
Thankfully my sister and I are both clean now and things have settled down
I suppose I am thinking about all of this and I'm sure my sister is too because we don't want my nephew to go down the same road
Unfortunately genetics are loaded against him so he has to be very careful
My sister worries about being a single parent but I think it's better to have a single parent and a happy home life than two parents and a chaotic one
In my opinion my mother should have left my father when we were kids but she says she wanted to wait until we were reared
My older brother and sister's relationship with my father is non existent, in fact I'm probably the one who is closest to him
But even saying that I am still wary of him
He doesn't drink anymore but  still retains his control freakishness
I don't want my nephew to have to go through what we went through so like a lioness guarding her cubs we will do our best to protect him

I ordered a stepper at the weekend
I seriously considered cancelling the order as the last time I had a stepper I spent hours every day on it
Against my better judgement, I picked it up yesterday
I've had it less than 24 hours and I've already spent 4 hours on it
That
Is
Ridiculous
Ruby
As before, I parked it in front of the tv
And I have another confession
While waiting for my methadone in the chemist on Monday, I was browsing and I found caffeine tablets
Again, even though I knew it was stupid, I bought them
Being an addict, I never take meds or tablets as directed
It said to take 1-2 a day
So I took 4 - 5
Now you understand why I spent 4 hours on the stepper
This morning I am thinking 'What the hell are you doing Ruby'
I know this is incredibly stupid
I know I am heading for a slippery slope
I know how this story ends
But I still can't seem to stop myself
Since bulimia has gone on holiday my intake has decreased
All of a sudden food seems to be the enemy
All of a sudden my safe foods are dwindling and I'm making batches of Weight Watchers 0 point soup
All of a sudden it seems urgent that I lose weight
I'm not quite sure what has changed but my something in my head has flipped
Even though I know these behaviours only too well and I know where they lead, I'm unable to stop myself
I remember my ex sponsor giving me some advice once
'Ruby, if you don't know what to do, do the opposite of what you think you should do'
This was simple but effective advice
If I don't think I should go to a meeting, get my ass to a meeting
If I don't think I should eat dinner, eat that sucker
If I think I should jump off the nearest cliff, think again
At the moment I seem to be doing the opposite of the opposite if that makes sense
But what am I doing?
I know I can jump from bulimia to anorexia so is that what's happening now?
This illness is so sneaky, so seductive
As they say in the meetings, it is cunning, powerful and baffling
I'm not seeing Mary until Friday and I will try and not give her a censored version of what's happening
I had a chat with my Dad yesterday
I was trying to explain the way I think about food
He asked me my weight and I told him what I think it is
I asked him if I am fat
He laughed
He said 'Ruby, you're not looking as ill anymore but you could do with a few pounds'
I wish I could see what he sees
I feel huge
I feel fat therefore I am fat
So where is this all going?
Hopefully I'll come to my senses but since when did sense have anything to do with it?
I guess time will tell