The scale tells the tale!

I'm slipping
Slipping fast
I can feel it
Everyday I feel it a little bit more
I feel powerless to stop it
I feel I'm on a run away train and I can't get off
I don't like it
With drugs they say a relapse happens long before you pick up a drug
It begins with subtle changes in behaviours
So subtle you don't even notice them at first
They snowball and before you know it, using seems like a good idea
You forget the hell you went through and only remember the 'good' times
I think this is called 'euphoric recall'
It seems to be similar with eating disorders
I look back over the last couple of months and I see those subtle changes
I was on a come down after the summer
I stopped taking my meds
I started feeling worthless, useless and began mentally beating myself up
Negative thoughts bombarded me
I flirted with the idea of suicide
I needed something to put my energy in to, something to keep intrusive thoughts at bay
I felt I couldn't cope and so I turned to the one thing I've always used to cope
Food
I guess I could have gone one of two ways
I could have turned to it or away from it
I seem to have chosen the latter
Then I started to feel lazy
My walks became longer and more frequent but that wasn't enough
I bought a stepper
I've had it for 72 hours and it's already taking over my life
Getting up early to squeeze more exercise in
Even knowing all this, I can't seem to stop

For the first time in a long time I felt completely overwhelmed yesterday
I saw all the things I was trying to fit in to my day (Appointments, 2 dog walks, 3-4hours on the stepper, typing out my dad's French notes, cooking, writing...........) and I just felt it was too much
I used to have too much time in my day but I keep adding in things and it's putting pressure on myself
I also felt scared
Scared that I seem to be slipping at such a fast pace
Scared that even though I know how this story ends, I can't seem to stop myself
There was also an incident that gave me a glimpse in to my possible future
I was walking my dog down my road (I live on a country road but there are a lot of houses)
I heard someone call my name and I turned to see a woman in her garden
I know this woman to say hello to but that's about it
She looked wrecked, her eyes were blood shot and she seemed to be shaking
She was looking for a taxi number which I didn't have
I asked her if she was ok and she said she was but she obviously wasn't
She walked away muttering to herself
From talking to this woman before I suspect she may be an alcoholic with possible mental illness
I thought no more about it until the next day when I met another neighbour who lives across the road from this woman
I decided to tell her what had happened and she confirmed that this lady is indeed an alcoholic
She said she never leaves the house anymore and is getting worse and worse
After I left I thought about this woman more and more
I feel incredibly sorry for her
Then it struck me
That could me in 20 years time
It may or not be alcohol or drugs but it could be food
If I don't do something soon I'll be a mirror image of that woman
Sick, alone, a virtual recluse
At the moment the only people I see on a regular basis are my parents and sister
But what happens when they die, they are already in their 60's
I absolutely dread and fear the day my parents die
They are my everything
They are my parents, my carers, my friends
They support me emotionally and financially
As well as that they shouldn't have to care for me so much
I'm a grown woman who should be independent
Instead they are looking after a sick child
I remember when I was a child I was terrified of my father
I remember being in the bath and hearing him stomping around the house drunk
I truly thought he was going to kill me or my mother
I don't exaggerate when I say this
Even though he only ever hit me once, I was absolutely scared stiff of him
He was completely unpredictable
More than his fists he used words to hurt us, which in a way was worse
Bruises heal but words stay with you forever
I hoped and prayed he would die so my family would be free
Now my father is in a pretty similar position to that woman
Yes, he stopped drinking but he lives a solitary and lonely life
He comes to stay with me every week to support me but it's a two way street
It's a strange situation actually, my mother and father are separated but they swop houses during the week
Weird I know but it works for them
But now the thought of my mother or father dying leaves me cold with fear
I need to help myself before there is no one left to help me
When are you going to do something about this Ruby?
When are you going to take that leap of faith?
I should also mention that my other neighbours are alcoholics
They are a couple in their 70's and they cause as much trouble as a house of teenagers
I just don't want to end up like these people
I have to admit that the thought ran through my mind that if I took my own life then I could avoid all this
Yes, that would be the end of my problems but it would cause a world of hurt for my family
So I ruled that out
The other option is to sort myself out and get well
When Ruby?
When

A couple of years ago a friend suggested that I try going to Food Addicts Anonymous
I think I've mentioned this girl before
She used to be bulimic and now attends this group
They believe food is physiologically addictive
Namely sugar, wheat and flour
So they cut these foods completely out of their diets
They follow a strict food plan
Eating at certain times and weighing and measuring all their food
Even in restaurants (I've seen this girl do so)
I attended a few meetings
They follow the same principals as AA and work the 12 steps
I found the meetings good and could identify with the other women
But where I got confused was with my anorexia
Can I be a food addict and have anorexia?
Yes, they told me
In fact one of the women was previously anorexic
I also couldn't and still can't get my head around the food plan
I said it seemed very restrictive
But they said the opposite is true
It gives total freedom
Another paradox of the 12 steps
In the end I stopped going as I just couldn't commit
But yesterday I picked up a book that one of women had given me
It's called 'Food Addiction' by Kay Sheppard
I had read it before but it hadn't really sank in
As I read the first chapter my heart started to thump in my chest

'The food addict sees life in relationship to the next opportunity to eat'

'Preoccupation with food'

'Stealing food or money for food'

'Concern about weight'

'Food provides comfort and warm feelings'

I read a case study about a girl and I could have been reading my own story
Food issues since she was a child
History of drug and alcohol issues
Under eating
Over eating

I had to stop reading as I was paralysed with fear
Am I a food addict?
Of course all these symptoms all meet the requirements for bulimia and or anorexia
I took a highlighter and highlighted all the parts I could identify with
There were a lot
I'm not sure I like the term 'food addict' and I'm loathe to put another label on myself
Their food plan is definitely not for me
All that weighing and measuring would be too triggering
But maybe it wouldn't hurt to go to a meeting for the support and I do really need support
The book is helping me gain insight in to my own relationship with food so maybe there is method to this madness
I don't doubt that this method has helped my friend enormously
Now if only I could muster up the courage to ring her


I weighed myself this morning
I've lost 4lbs this week