Friday, 7 September 2012

Happy Birthday?

Yes, it's my birthday although I don't much feel like celebrating
I had written a post but then deleted it
In fact I'm thinking of closing my blog
I don't know why, I can just feel myself slipping
I can't even articulate how I'm feeling
Just numb

A girl in treatment gave me this so I thought I would share it with you
It's by 'Body Gossip'
                                                 
                                                          This one is for you

This one is for you
For every day you owned
For the lies
The only food you allowed me
For your constant screaming
In private, in public and in sleep
For taking every inch of my being
Voice, strength and more, leaving me with a hollowed shell
A sharp edged skeleton
For turning my young body in to the ruins of a decaying, ancient building
For taking what was mine
This one is for you
For inviting me in to your world
I hated every second
For the life you claimed from behind my eyes
I'm claiming it back
For the friends you said I didn't need
We are laughing at you right now
For the cries of help you silenced
For taking my womanhood and making me in to a child again
For wrongly telling me that the rules of happiness manifested in appearance
For the whispers you provided when I looked in to your mirrors
For making me believe that I should be eternally wrong, ugly and sorry
This is to let you know that for what it's worth you can have your identity back
To let you know how good it felt the day I realised the power to fight was in me
To let you know that I ate breakfast today and enjoyed it
To let you know that every day is a struggle but I will never give up
This is to show you
That I am not the brittle one you last saw
In fact you may hardly recognise me
To show you that my body is changing
How ever hard it may be to adjust, being healthy is incredible
To show you my posture right now
As I look down on you with my head held high
So this is to let you know that I never want to hear your voice again
To let you know you are not welcome
In fact you never were
To tell you and everyone that I am beginning to like myself inside and out
To tell you that your company is not required at the meal I'll enjoy with my loved ones tomorrow
To tell you I am winning
This moment is for you For you to hear me when I say
That the only thing that was ever ugly about me was you


I love this and I wish I could say that I am winning but right now I feel like I am losing









With love from at

32 comments:

  1. Loulou7 September 2012 at 02:17

    Dearest Ruby! A very very very great happy birthday to youuuuuu!!! I wish you - everything!!! Of course it is your choice to close down the blog and if course you must do whatever is best for you, but just let me tell you that despite i dissapeared from the community (and literary almost) i have always come here and read your posts.you are a great writer and i am absolutely convinced that you comments,your words,and most of all your writing on this blog has been a great help to a lot of people.you rock ruby!! I would miss your words dreadfully!!!
    Have a lovely day babes!
    All my love,
    Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    L

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday7 September 2012 at 03:37

      Thank you so much Loulou for your kind words, it means so much that you still read an it's so great to hear from you
      Hopefully this is just a short lived low and I will be back on track soon

      I hope you are doing ok and looking after your lovely self

      Stay in touch,

      Love ya x

      Delete
  2. Kate7 September 2012 at 03:15

    Ruby Rube x

    Firstly Happy Birthday you beautiful lady!

    Like Loulou said, its your choice if you want to close your blog, but I and probs a lot of other people will dearly miss you.

    You are a great writer! You give me chills.

    Hang in there lovely x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday7 September 2012 at 03:38

      Thank you Kate,

      I'm just in a weird place at the moment,
      I don't really want to close my blog, writing really helps me work through stuff

      Thanks for the lovely comment x

      Delete
  3. Rayya7 September 2012 at 03:38

    Happy Birthday my dear <3 Gosh you kept that one quiet! I hope you have a lovely day even though you dont feel like celebrating.. I am sad that you want to close your blog, but whatever decision you make I will wholly support you even if I will be sad to see you go.. You would be greatly missed by us all and I dont think I would be able to fill that Ruby shaped hole with someone or something else. You are an inspiring person and a very good writer, I am sorry to hear you feel yourself slipping.. Maybe you should tell someone? I love you dearest and so badly want to see you win, some days are harder than others and some weeks seem to never want to end, but no matter what through the thick and thin of it we are here for you; I am here for you. I would love to keep in touch with you if you do choose to end this blog.
    Lovely poem too, very empowering.

    Love you so much <3
    Take care of your wonderful self and have a lovely day. You deserve all the lovely days in the world <3 x
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday7 September 2012 at 04:09

      Thank you Rayya, you are so sweet

      I am ok, I just need to make a decision about what I'm doing and stick to it
      Of course I would love to stay in touch if I close this blog but I will think long and hard before I do

      Love you so much too x

      Delete
  4. Jane Richeldis7 September 2012 at 03:39

    Happy Birthday my lovely,

    Never stop writing. You do it so well. You are so honest and write so intelligently.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday7 September 2012 at 04:10

      Thank you Aggy for your kind words, means a lot x

      Delete
  5. Lindsey7 September 2012 at 03:47

    Ruby! Happy Happy Birthday :P
    Lovely poem, btw.
    Would miss your blog if you closed it, I just started reading it in the past month and you are an amazing writer. You should continue to write, it does help get things out of your head.
    Much love,
    Lindsey

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ruby Tuesday7 September 2012 at 04:37

    Thank you Lindsey x

    ReplyDelete
  7. désespérée de maigrir7 September 2012 at 05:42

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY RUBY!

    I didn't realize our birthdays were so close together :)

    Try to keep your head above water, dear - you don't have to win the fight today, but you have to at least remain stable if not moving forward. You CAN do it. You've overcome such adversity in your life already that I know you can continue to win. (By the way, I read your article yesterday, it was really great)

    You can do it, Ruby. Don't loose hope or sight of the prize.

    And please don't shut down your blog - I understand if you feel you must, but I am afraid that it will isolate you too much. Granted, I only get a snapshot here of your daily life, but I don't want you to lose the friends you have here...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ruby Tuesday7 September 2012 at 06:32

    Thank you so much!

    Hopefully this is just a dip, I'm not giving up hope just yet and I will keep fighting

    I'll have a think about the blog, writing does help me a lot but I need to get out in to real world too

    Thanks for your comment x

    ReplyDelete
  9. Persephone Paix7 September 2012 at 06:40

    I think my ed turned into vanishing a long time ago now. i dont believe being thin will make me happy, i just know vanishing will help me disappear.

    Happy birthday, im sad youre sad, but i understand how u feel. ill miss u if u leave, but i understand if its something u hav to do for u. of all the blogs i started following 3-4 years ago, only peridot remains

    I feel like im never going to escape this and ive given up wanting to try.

    Sorry this is turning into a sad rant

    i love u xxx

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ruby Tuesday7 September 2012 at 07:01

    Thank you Sweep,

    I love you too x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Katie Elizabeth7 September 2012 at 07:32

    Happy birthday my dear. I absolutely love that. I know some days it feels like you're losing, but other days you are winning. This is an ugly battle for any of us to go through. Yesterday was one of my bad days seeing as I lost 2 more pounds. But if you keep your head up, soon you will see how beautiful you are; inside and out.
    XOXO Katie

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ruby Tuesday7 September 2012 at 09:07

    Thank you Katie for your kind words,

    Stay strong,

    Keep fighting x

    ReplyDelete
  13. Bella7 September 2012 at 12:19

    I love you dear, happy birthday. Stay safe, and please don't go closing your blog without letting us know *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ruby Tuesday7 September 2012 at 12:28

    Thanks Bella for your birthday wishes and don't worry I won't disappear without letting anyone know,

    Love you too x

    ReplyDelete
  15. Greta8 September 2012 at 00:00

    Gosh, sweetie, I'm late to your party ;)

    So the Happiest Birthday you, beautiful soul!

    Can I ask you for a gift, I know it's Your Birthday, but still... don't stop writing, at least a teeny tiny little...

    You are a great and talented writer!

    Hang in there, love!
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ruby Tuesday8 September 2012 at 01:39

    Thank you so much Greta,

    I'm overwhelmed by the lovely comments you and others have written,
    I don't want to stop writing, I'm just a bit all over the place

    I'm not giving up just yet,

    Love to you x

    ReplyDelete
  17. Peridot (G+P)8 September 2012 at 05:25

    HAPPY RUBYDAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

    You should have told me earlier! I would have endeavoured to knit you something warm for winter! D:

    That is awesome. You only lose when you give up. Keep fighting, you're worth it.

    Autumn is my favourite season too. Sssshhhhhh, don't tell Spring! I love it because it gets cooler and the light changes and the air smells nicer and jumping in piles of leaves has to be one of the best things on earth. I covet your leaf piles :p

    Ooooh a dark angel? Do we get pics? The last halloween party I went to I dressed as an escaped punk angel in a corset. We should do a fallen angel duo one day :D

    Omg you didn't get to have Grandparents? You can share Glamour Nana, I'm sure she won't mind. You would have liked Grandpa.S too. Maybe you could adopt a Grandparent?
    http://www.adoptagrannynorthlondon.co.uk/
    http://www.adoptagrandparent.com.au/
    http://adoptagrandparent.org/

    I have no words to express how touched I am that you value my opinion. If I was there I'd hug you like one of those annoying toddlers that won't let go. You're totally awesome.

    So much love to you. Take care and stay warm <3 *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ruby Tuesday8 September 2012 at 10:01

    Yay, Peri, you never fail to put a smile on my face

    We should so do an angel duo for Halloween, definitely

    Sending much love right back atcha, you rock Peri! x

    ReplyDelete
  19. Alice8 September 2012 at 10:50

    happy birthday sweet lady
    I hope your day swung around in the direction of loveliness. I know that some days are tough, and it feels as if you just dont want to carry on. But know that we are here to support you, through everything. Every day.
    Xxx

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ruby Tuesday8 September 2012 at 11:27

    Thank you Alice, you are a sweetie x

    ReplyDelete
  21. WinterA8 September 2012 at 18:18

    I am a little late, happy bday! I am so glad to know our bday's are next to each other. Last year I was like that. I didn't feel like doing anything. This year I wanted to feel special. Nothing else was going right so I wanted to enjoy my day.

    You take care ruby.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Ruby Tuesday9 September 2012 at 01:09

    Thanks Winter, happy birthday to you too x

    ReplyDelete
  23. josie139 September 2012 at 02:37

    well I am sorry to say it but...
    Welcome to the "I have an eating disorder and I am over 30" club. Its a horrible club but the people in it are really tough and kind all at the same time. We are the group that no one knows exsists. And I wish I didn't have to welcome you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday9 September 2012 at 05:19

      I'm not sure how to respond to that,

      I wish I didn't have to be welcomed to this club, all I can say is I hope this decade is better than the last one x

      Delete
  24. Kitty9 September 2012 at 05:05

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  25. The Lovely Bones9 September 2012 at 11:02

    I'm so sorry this is so late. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
    I hope you had a great day.
    I'll miss you so much if you close your blog, but I completely understand, it can be hard to move on with all the connections to the blog holding you back and reminding you of the past.
    Whichever you choose, I really hope you find complete happiness.

    I think I've read that thing somewhere before, it gets more meaningful every time I read it. Do you ever find that? You'll read something for the second or third time at a different stage of your ED and it will affect you completely differently each time?
    Sorry, I'm rambling at you.

    I hope you're okay darling. I love you, and I'll miss you so much if you stop posting.

    P.S. you're beautiful, I love all your photos.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ruby Tuesday9 September 2012 at 11:10

    Thank you sweetie,

    I don't think I'll be closing my blog afterall, it's the only thing keeping me sane at the moment

    I also find something new every time I read it, I know exactly what you mean

    I am ok or at least I will be,

    Love to you x

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x

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