Monday, 10 September 2012

'Laura'

Just for a second I thought I was going to be ok
Just for a second I thought I could see a glimmer of light at the end of this dark tunnel
Just for a second I thought I might even be in recovery
I was wrong
I began my birthday by downing 3 days worth of methadone and 2 days worth of my other meds
I didn't feel like I was celebrating another year older
I felt like I was clocking up yet another year in the midst of this cruel illness
In fact someone left me a comment welcoming me to the 'being 30 and having an eating disorder club'
I really thought things were starting to change
My sister set me straight
She told me that I am 'sick' and in 'active addiction' and that she 'finds it really difficult' to be around me
I'm not quite sure why she chose my birthday to tell me this
I walked in to it really
I asked her why she won't allow me to babysit my nephew
She told me to read the article I wrote for an answer
It escalated in to a row
She left
Then she came back
I cried
She apologised
She said that I don't make an effort with her
But she makes it clear she doesn't want to be around me
We tried to sort it out like adults but the damage was done
The thing is, she's right
Mary asked me to keep a food journal this week and I was shocked how many times I had to put a P (for purge) beside what I had eaten
I knew I was still purging but not this much
It's so easy to slip in to denial
I think I've been in denial all summer
All summer long I've been putting on an act
Playing the part of someone in recovery
I feel like a fraud
My act was so polished, so well choreographed, rehearsed to a T
After all I had an audience to play to
At the wedding
In Cork
While my sister was home
While all the other visitors who were here
I was so convincing I even convinced myself
I'm sure it seemed plausible to them
I'm not emaciated anymore, inching ever closer to a healthy weight
I'm sure they'd like to believe I'm getting well because my body has started to recover
Why wouldn't they believe my sunny disposition was real
But what does weight have to do with anything when my mind is still so very sick
But now the audience has left
Gone back to their own lives
The theatre is empty so what's the point of keeping up the pretence
My mother is here of course but she can she through the thin veil of my act with one eye closed
If I was in recovery I would have the purging under control
If I was in recovery I wouldn't be afraid to leave my house
If I was in recovery my phone would be ringing
If I was in recovery I wouldn't still be consumed with thoughts of food and numbers
Take a bow Ruby, the show is over

I walked for miles today with my dog in the pouring rain
My other dog wouldn't budge when she saw it was lashing from the heavens
I was glad it was raining
I liked feeling cold and wet
I don't deserve to be warm and dry
Cars were speeding by me, splashing me with water
One came very close to me
It was all I could do to stop myself from stepping in front of it
But what would that do
It's a permanent solution to a hopefully temporary problem
I couldn't do that to my family and my beloved dogs
Today I am paying the price for sculling my methadone on Friday
I am clammy with sweat and I probably won't sleep tonight
I should probably shower but I don't have the energy or the inclination
I would tell my doctor how I'm feeling if I thought he would do more than put me on more meds
I don't need more meds
I'm on too many meds as it is
Giving me med is like putting a plaster on  a seeping wound
It might work for a split second but it will fall off as the wound weeps
I have an inherent belief that I am a bad person
I'm faulty and should be returned to my maker for a refund
Or at least a replacement
I walked today with my pyjamas underneath my clothes
My logic being that I will be putting them on again later on so what's the point in taking them off
Is that depression taking?
I think so
I am hoping and praying that this state of mind is temporary
That I will pull put of it
But I fear I am going mad
Maybe I have already
My thoughts are so loud and intrusive that I think others can hear them
I've taken to telling myself to shut up
I'm not quite sure what to do
Please tell me this won't last forever

I am listening to 'Bat for Lashes' new song 'Laura' on repeat
So sad
So haunting
So beautiful

I won't get to post on Tuesday, September 11th
It's hard to believe that 11 years have gone by
I remember where I was when I heard
I was in a car with a drug dealer going to get drugs who has since died of AIDS
I remember counting his money as I heard on the radio what had happened
It didn't sink in until days later
At that moment all I cared about was getting my drugs
I am lighting a candle for the 2752 people who lost their lives that day
You will never be forgotten








With love from at

37 comments:

  1. Jane Parker10 September 2012 at 01:06

    Oh ruby darling, i dont know what to say..
    I jz hope u can be stronger..
    Theres nothing i can say to make u feel better
    Im praying that we can all be happy..

    Pls put a smile on your lips.. :-)

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    1. Ruby Tuesday10 September 2012 at 02:15

      Thanks Jane for your kind words,
      I'm praying so very hard too x

      Delete
  2. Bella10 September 2012 at 01:26

    I'm sorry your having such a hard time at the moment sweetie, and I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to make it better, but if I could I would take all this pain away from you. Thinking of you xx

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    1. Ruby Tuesday10 September 2012 at 02:17

      Thank you dear Bella,
      I know you're having a hard time too,
      I hope and pray we will get through this,
      Thinking of you too x

      Delete
  3. WinterA10 September 2012 at 01:51

    Thanks for sharing your bday with us. I am glad that you are here on earth another year( even though life sucks sometimes ) I would be upset that someone would tell me such things on my bday because I look at it as my day. I guess they are like okay we want her to be around so let me tell her how I feel. I am just talking here.

    Sounds like the long walk cleared your mind. That is when I know I am super upset is when I will go on a walk or a jog in the rain.

    Amen for the people of 9/11. I like that you shared what you were doing at the moment you heard about it. I was in school, government to be exact and in the 10th grade. I remember they let us leave school early. I didn't understand what was happening until probably a good 2-3 years later.

    Take care.

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    1. Ruby Tuesday10 September 2012 at 02:18

      I sometimes feel bad that I was doing something so selfish that day. Even though the world felt like it was coming to an end I still had to get my precious drugs x

      Delete
  4. Anonymous10 September 2012 at 02:31

    I adore the new Bat for Lashes song! I almost posted the video clip the other day. As for the rest...I don't believe that being "in recovery" means abstaining from all disordered behaviours. That's why it's recovery, not *recovered*. Yes, sometimes it can be really easy to convince ourselves that we are doing better than we are...but the fact is, despite the "illusion" you think you've created, you're still trying. I'm sorry your birthday was so hard...but I'm wishing for a better year for you. xo.

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    1. Ruby Tuesday10 September 2012 at 02:45

      This is true,
      I'm probably being too hard on myself
      I know I need to be gentle and take things slow

      Thanks for your comment

      I adore Bat for Lashes too x

      Delete
  5. Lindsey10 September 2012 at 02:40

    Ruby, I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. I'm thinking of you.
    Lindsey

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  6. Angharad 10 September 2012 at 04:38

    Thank you so much for commenting on my blog, because it led me to yours, which, although it saddens me to read that you are in such pain at the moment, it is a gripping, insightful and relatable read. I agree with snippetsandglimpses about recovery - it is an ongoing fight which means that there will be blips, and ED behaviours still occur. What is important is that you are fighting them. Don't let anyone get you down! You seem to me to be so strong and have such insight. Keep fighting this monster of an illness! XX

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    1. Ruby Tuesday10 September 2012 at 06:12

      Thank you,
      It's true and I have to keep reminding myself that it is an ongoing battle and needs constant attention
      I am fighting so very hard

      Thanks for your comment x

      Delete
  7. Greta10 September 2012 at 05:58

    Oh, Ruby, I wish I lived nearby so we would spend those rainy afternoons over some tea gossiping and laughing over some silly things. And laughing would me a MUST. Or I’ll tickle you.

    Your post is heart breaking. I’m ready to kick and scream to make you feel better. Just tell me. If it helps I’ll do it. Or anything to make you smile?
    xoxo

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    1. Ruby Tuesday10 September 2012 at 06:14

      Thank you Greta for your kind words
      I would only love to spend a rainy afternoon with you and yes I'm sure there would be lots of laughing
      Thank God of all the things I've lost, I've managed to hold on to my sense of humour

      Sending you love x

      Delete
  8. Peridot (G+P)10 September 2012 at 06:00

    *Hugs*

    Denial sucks, and it sucks even harder when reality hits and we can't hide behind the act any more.

    Geeze, she could have picked a better day for it! o.O

    The second paragraph could have come from my own head. You do deserve to be warm and dry, and I'm glad you didn't step in front of that car. This crap cannot last forever. It will not. Even the worst storm blows itself out and dies. Even the worst drought breaks. The worst plague of rabbits can be mown down if you don't give up on fighting the little buggers. Just keep stomping until they stop popping out of their holes and the grass can regrow and life can begin again.

    I wish I could come over and have a PJ day with you. Sit on the couch drinking tea and watching movies in PJs and bugger the rest of the world.

    Lol I understand the ham fury and ham-perfectionism. Deli slavery makes you picky with your meat! I'm also extremely possessive about my food. All my flatting situations have been individual food-buying and not communal except for things like milk, sugar, teabags etc. If a flatmate takes any of my stuff without asking I flip right out. It's not pretty. I have a screencap from Cardcaptor Sakura where Kero freaked out about not getting a piece of cake and Sakura's mate said to her "Grudges over food are the scariest" or somesuch. It's so true.

    I hope you have a better day today. Remember that this shit will pass and you are worth fighting for. Life is worth fighting for. Kia kaha, gorgeous Ruby.

    Love you <3

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    1. Ruby Tuesday10 September 2012 at 06:18

      Peri, I would just love to spend a day with you, kitted out in our pjs and watching movies and box sets
      Maybe someday
      Here's hoping

      I am so picky about my ham
      They had the most beautiful wafer thin ham in Italy (speck) and I had the same sandwich every single day

      Thanks Peri, you are a life saver

      Love you too x

      Delete
  9. josie1310 September 2012 at 07:13

    I'm sorry I had to welcome you to the club, however, the one thing that comes with age is wisdom. We both know this is not a glamorous disease that brings us happiness. And we know the hard work it takes to force ourselves to make the next right choice but that is the gift of wisdom. Just try to be a bit healthier each day. One day at a time and fake it till you make it are the two saying I repeat to myself. Think back on this summer as an eye opener - sure you might have been acting healthier than you really felt but from your posts I can tell you enjoyed yourself! You enjoyed life and participated in it. You can totally rock Fall, one moment at a time. You don't need to be perfect, be you, and make the next right decision that's all. You are strong, I know it and I hope you will know it.

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    1. Ruby Tuesday10 September 2012 at 12:52

      Thanks Josie,
      No need to apologise,
      Funny I was just thinking of that saying today 'fake it til you make it' and I do believe in it
      I'm not giving up just yet

      Thank for your comment x

      Delete
  10. Emily Anonymous10 September 2012 at 09:12

    Thanks for the comment!
    Life sucks like this sometimes. It's unfortunate but the only thing we can do is pull ourselves up and keep going. Although you seem to be doing less well than you like with purging, you said you're making progress with your weight gain, and that's definitely something to be proud of. :)

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    1. Ruby Tuesday10 September 2012 at 12:53

      Thank Emily
      I'm probably not giving myself credit for the changes I've made and I have made some small changes, sometimes it's just hard to see them x

      Delete
  11. Persephone Paix10 September 2012 at 10:01

    Im actually crying at work after reading this. i feel like so much of what we go through at mirrors each other, i dnt have the drugs, i kno, but our hopelessnes, so much of what u wrote- playing pretend to an empty audience. i love u. Im genuinely crying. ill hold on if u try too? Xxx

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    1. Persephone Paix10 September 2012 at 10:08

      Ok seriously u have definitely written something i can connect to here i havent cried in public for ages. call mary? Ur not worthless, ur hurt, ur unwell
      shocking when someone says it directly isnt it
      I remember last week the ed nurse kept telling me i was unwell and getting worse
      i was like
      watchachattinboutttt?
      Ugh. Tell me this will end?
      Love u
      sorry for two messages, im shocked at how much ur post has affected me is all! Love xxx

      Delete
    2. Ruby Tuesday10 September 2012 at 12:56

      Sweet P, I know I can identify with you so much too
      I promise I'll hold if you do too
      At least we are not alone in this
      We can be there for each other
      You are someone who I genuinely worry about and I want you to be well so badly

      All my love to you x

      Delete
    3. Persephone Paix10 September 2012 at 14:43

      ps I love bat for kashes, and have been listening to laura alongside song to the siren by this mortal coil (youtube it, its amazings harrowing too) also - deepest shame, plan b - I can relate a lot, you might too? xx

      Delete
    4. Ruby Tuesday11 September 2012 at 00:56

      Will definitely check that out x

      Delete
  12. Rayya10 September 2012 at 13:30

    My darling, you are an amazing individual. You are feeling down - more down than usual, but tomorrow is a new day my dear. And your sister and you I sincerely hope things improve between you too, she needs to understand that the best thing for you and everyone is the support of everyone close to you which means her. So she should understand that and it saddens me that she doesnt get the extent of the effect of her behaviour towards you. I hate to hear about you so sad my dear.. I for one and a lot of us here, would hate it if you had jumped in front of that car. You are such an amazing being for realising that this is a temporary problem - I am so glad you wrote this, it means that somewhere within you there is hope darling, there is hope that you can fight this, that you can live, that you can laugh and be happy like you did when you spent time with your sister. It is possible. The days dont have to be sad, there is always hope and I know that you are a fighter so please hang on and fight for me.

    Love you always my dear,
    If you ever need me you know I am here for you any time of night or day.

    Take care of yourself please.
    I hope you dont suffer too much from the methadone shortage..
    All my love and hugs xx

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    1. Ruby Tuesday11 September 2012 at 00:59

      Thank you so much Rayya
      It means a lot to know you are there
      And also thank you for your birthday shout out to me, I could only read the first couple of lines because blogger wouldn't let me in to your post for some reason

      I do have hope and I'll never give up

      Love to you always dear friend x

      Delete
  13. Alice10 September 2012 at 14:55

    one day at a time my dear friend...
    One thing you are teaching me, is to take it in strides. I am sorry to hear that your sister is not listening to you in the way you wou;d like her to, I fear I have the same problem. Siblings are tough. I think it may be because they care too much? And at the same time they are selfish and do not want to involve themselves as to "hurt" themselves even more.
    But I am here.
    And know that you can do it...

    Love and Hugs
    xxxx

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    1. Ruby Tuesday11 September 2012 at 01:01

      Thank you Alice,
      I'm a great one to give advice but I'm not that great at taking my own advice
      I think my sister is protecting herself by distancing herself and my nephew and I can understand that but it still hurts

      Love to you too x

      Delete
  14. Sirenne10 September 2012 at 16:13

    Every small change and every small plaster is a step forwards. I know it's hard sometimes but think of how far you've come. That's a really nice thing to do, lighting a candle for them. We will always remember. Take care of yourself. You can see how loved you are by the amount of comments posted here! Wowcha! ;)
    Love Sirenne x x

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    1. Ruby Tuesday11 September 2012 at 01:02

      Thank you Sirenne
      I am blessed to have people here who care and take the time to comment and I appreciate every single one x

      Delete
  15. Yy12310 September 2012 at 18:55

    what a beautiful song...thank u for sharing! I love the feeling of rain falling down on me too. Its like ur being poured over, washed clean...But I wish you could know that you are not a bad person, just the way u care for the 911 victims is enough to determine that. ur wellmeaning and encouraging comments always give me hope. I cannot thank u enough. I am so grateful that u chose not to die because that would be awful. Pls hold on, you have the strength to change like they say, day by day...I believe in u<3 stay strong!

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    1. Ruby Tuesday11 September 2012 at 01:04

      Thank you,
      I believe in you too and there is always hope
      Maybe we can do this together, one day at a time
      I will hold on, you do too x

      Delete
  16. Loulou11 September 2012 at 07:27

    thanks so much ruby sry i can't say much

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  17. The Lovely Bones11 September 2012 at 10:17

    I love you Ruby. Truly I care about you so much. It breaks my heart to hear you're so unhappy.
    I'm always here for you if you need anyone to talk to, hell, I'll get a ferry over to Ireland in a second if you ever needed me.
    I hope you're okay darling.
    Take care.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x

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