' Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing '
- Aristotle
It has really stuck in my mind as this is exactly what I'm doing these days
Saying nothing
Doing nothing
Being nothing
I didn't use to be like this
I used to be spontaneous
I used to be gregarious
I used to be outgoing
But once my eating disorder took hold I completely changed
I went from being a girl with big dreams to a girl living in a nightmare
My eating disorder now has me in a headlock
Paralysed with fear and crippled with anxiety
I was supposed to start my writing group last night but I didn't go
My eating disorder told me that I am a rubbish writer so why bother going
It told me that no one would like me
Why would they?
It told me to stay at home and exercise
That's time better spent
Today I am sorry I didn't go
I mean what's the worst that could've happened
Someone didn't quite like me?
What is so bad about that?
Not everyone is going to like me and that should be ok
I have become a people pleaser
Not wanting to offend anyone or rock the boat in anyway
So I say nothing to avoid that
I am like a social chameleon
Changing my personality to suit who ever I'm with
If I'm with a quiet person, then I too am quiet
If I'm with someone loud, I absorb their personality by osmosis and also become loud
I have absolutely no idea who Ruby is
All I know is I'm Ruby the anorexic/bulimic, recovering heroin addict
Without these labels I don not know what is left
So I am avoiding criticism by avoiding life
I rarely venture too far from my house
I went to the dentist yesterday half an hour away and that was a big deal
But in avoiding all the bad things about life, I am also avoiding all the good things
I don't want to look back on my life and have so many regrets
And I will if I keep going like this
I'm missing out on the best years of my life
Saying nothing
Doing nothing
And above all, being nothing
Guilt fear and shame are like fuel for my eating disorder
Having been a heroin addict, I've done some pretty horrible stuff
And most often it was to the people I love the most
I broke my families heart
I lied to them, stole from them and used them for what I could get from them
Every job I have ever worked at I stole from
I remember going in to a supermarket one day
As I was paying for my item, the girl opened her till, I reached in, grabbed a handful of money and ran
The worst thing was that my mother was in the car outside so she became my get a way driver
When I think back on events like this I can't quite believe that was me who did those things
I stole off anybody and every body
I remember in treatment my psychiatrist asking me had I forgiven myself for doing these things
I definitely haven't and the guilt can be overwhelming
And so I feel that I owe these people something
My mother has told me that the best way I can repay her is by getting well
The one thing she wants is the one thing I can't seem to do
I am living in the past and often run events in my head on a loop
My drug addiction and eating disorder have turned me in to a person I don't recognise
I am like a frightened child
Afraid to take a risk on life
I feel like giving up
I seriously considered taking all my meds and sleeping forever but one thing stops me
I couldn't do that to my family
It might be an end to my problems but it would break my family
Living with guilt and shame is like being in quick sand
You kick and pull and try to get away from it but it keeps pulling you back in until you are smothered
My mood has picked up slightly
I saw my friend on Monday and that was good
She also has an eating disorder and a drug history
I got rid of the caffeine tablets but I'm still using the stepper
Not as much but I'm still using it
I told my doctor about the weekend
As I predicted he just moved my meds around
I don't need more meds
I need practical ways of helping myself
I'm not giving up just yet though
I'll put one foot in front of the other and keep going
Baby steps
Hey darling.. you are not nothing, sometimes though we need to push ourselves "feel the fear and do it anyway" sometimes that fear of doing things wrong or not being good enough stops me from doing things I want.. it isnt good but its just another one of those little things that we have to pull up our sleeves and fight against. And speaking of fighting - I am very proud and happy for you that you managed to see your friend. :) and I am sorry that your doctor seems to not understand that you need a practical solution sometimes, not simply just medicine.. I do hope that one day you can forgive yourself and let yourself move on from those dark times. When we let go of the past or accept things for how they are then we can get on with enjoying the here and now. I am guilty for self chastising and dwelling on things that I can neither change or do anything about now, so I guess we both have to work on some things.
ReplyDeleteAnd whoever led you to believe that you are a bad writer has clearly not read any piece of yours!! you are a very talented and raw writer and I do hope you get the courage to go to the group :) you may be pleasantly surprised x
Love you! x
Thanks Rayya for your kind words
ReplyDeleteI am regretting not going to the group so I think I will ring and see can I start next week.
You are so right I don need to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'
That is great advice
I have that book somewhere, I'm going to dig it out
As ever you have brightened up my day
Love you too x
Hi Ruby,
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your posts, although you are talking about your problems and negative feelings, hope and strength always shine through what you are saying. They are there, beneath it all. And if they are there, you just have to focus on them! Baby steps will get you there and keep you there as much as giant leaps!
And do go to the writing group!!! It will help you garner a new label for yourself - 'writer.' Sometimes these groups are scary at first, especially the thought of them - but they're actually really supportive! Everyone there is in the same boat, writers or budding writers, and they won't criticise your work - they're all there in the aim of helping and supporting each other (and mostly scared too - if you come across someone who isn't - most likely they're not a good writer...) Every group I've been to has been a support, and helped me in many ways. The group would be glad to have you in it!
We can't help our pasts, but like Rayya says, we must let go of them to focus on the present, and the future - which can bring all kinds of everything good, regardless of past mistakes ;)
Take care!
-Siobhán
Thanks Siobhan,
ReplyDeleteI am definitely going to go to the group next week and you are so right, it's often the thought of something that is scarier than the actual event itself
I'm trying to let go of my past, I was a different person then
I need to forgive myself
Thanks Siobhan x
Ruby, I think you are on to something! I get the feeling you've reached a turning point, come to the revelation that in order to get somewhere you have to be going somewhere. You have to move. Do things; live. Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better.
ReplyDeleteBaby steps are steps nevertheless! Keep going! X
Thanks Ebba,
ReplyDeleteBaby steps all the way! x
When my brainmonsters try to talk me out of something new that has the potential for terrifying fun I hit them with "The things we regret most are not what we did but what we didn't do".
ReplyDeleteWithout these things that define us, we have the chance to invent our own definitions of who we are. (Ruby, BAMF. Ruby, Walker-of-Dogs. Ruby, photographer. Ruby, writer. Ruby, stuffed penguin collector) Find ones that fit, ones that don't, surprising ones, weird ones, oddly banal ones. It's all good. The only definitions of yourself that matter are those you make yourself, and you can change them without needing to justify to anyone else. Be honest with yourself and fuck what others think.
You did shit things, yes. You cannot go back and change them, and letting guilt and shame at those actions shackle you is stopping you from living. The past is done and cannot be changed, all we can change is now and the future. I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't feel remorse, but letting it it eat you alive stops you from living and trying to make yourself better than the past-you who did those things.
Yussssss for mood pickup and little changes to kick anorexia in the face before it kills you dead for good. Better a hundred baby steps in the right direction than a wild leap that makes you fall on your face >.< Bloody doctors! I hope Mary can help you wriggle for more good days and felling better and better and finding fun stuff. Call the writing group and ask about next week. If it's anything like things run by my Uni not everyone will show up to every day, there will be late starts and random no-shows due to other things. Give it a shot :)
Just over a month to NaNo! Are you excited? I am. I'm changing my mind about what I wanted to write about. Gah! It's too big for NaNo but I CAN'T not write it D: Help??
Many many many hugs back to you. I usually try to be really nice to horrible people outside of work to confuse them (Like a particular aunt. She takes sibling rivalry to the EXTREME) but that guy just blindsided me. Ugh. I was going to refuse to serve him after he swore at me but wasn't sure if I'd heard him properly or not.
Thank you so much for your awesome words. Love you so so so much <3
Hey Peri,
ReplyDeleteI just rang the centre and the next group is in two weeks so I can go to that, Yay!!
I'll make myself go even if I have to crawl there on my hands and knees.
It's true about the past, I should make my amends where possible and then move on.
Thank you for always managing to put a smile on my face
Love ya x
dearest ruby , i also get the feeling of a turning point... something is happening and i am sure its something good, no matter how hard is right now for us.and you simply have to go to that writing group,you will see that you are really good at one thing that will help you to try another and another... i believe in you!we all do!
ReplyDeletehugs
L
Thanks Loulou, you are too lovely
ReplyDeleteI hope you're ok
Stay strong x
love the quotes
ReplyDeletexx
I love them too x
ReplyDeleteHey it's the first time I'm reading your blog. It's nice to see that there aren't only pro-ana websites in the web. Bulimia and anorexia changes us, and we have to try to find ourselves inside our own thoughts. I offen ask myself "Is this me or bulimia thinking?" It's hrd and it takes a few minutes, but usually I get to see who's really talking inside my head and try to shut it down. But of course, if it ws that easy, we wouldn't all be here. Good luck.
ReplyDeletegegenmia.blogspot.com
I know what you mean, I try not to listen to the 'voice' of my eating disorder
DeleteThanks for the comment x
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, keep going, keep going, one foot infront of the other, a little wobble, a little tumble, back up ruby, sweetness, back up, you can do it, keep with us.
ReplyDeletei love you. xxx
I love you too Sweet P
ReplyDeleteWe can do this x
Your eating disorder does not have you in a headlock. And even if it does, you need to believe it doesn't, because that's the only way you'll have motivation to try and dig yourself partway out.
ReplyDeleteAs for the writing group, I'd say this blog is proof that you're not a horrible writer. Think of all the people that read your stuff! They come back because they care about you, but also because your words resonate with something inside of them. That's the goal of all writers.
And I definitely feel the "I become different people" thing. For me it's more about getting people to like me than just fitting in, but it's the same concept.
Keep your head up! :)
Thanks Emily, I love that you always see the positive x
ReplyDeleteDon't look back. Look at how far you've come. You're not that same person anymore, and you never have to go back to being her either.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved <3
Hang in there
Pride.Strength.Courage
~TinyRose
Thanks Tinyrose x
ReplyDeleteDear Ruby,
ReplyDeleteHang in there sweetheart. Don't listen to those awful voices. You are a beautiful person, and every word you write means so much.
One step at a time... I know its hard, but its the only way..
From one lost soul to another.. xoxo
Thank you sweetie x
ReplyDeleteI don't have many coherent words atm honey, but I just wanted to remind you that I love you lots and I'm here... I know you can do this, I'm so glad you're going to give the writing group another shot, I love reading your posts, because your writing makes me just want to read more and more, that's how I was able to read back on your whole diary, when I found your lovely self on blogger.
ReplyDeleteI hope that we get to see your wonderful creations, I love you sweetie, never forget it xxx
I just lost my last comment and even more words!
ReplyDeleteI don't have many words atm honey, but I just wanted to remind you that I love you.
I'm so glad that you're giving the writing class another chance, I know you can do it. I hope we get to see your wonderful creations, your writing has the power to pull people in and make them feel what you feel. Now that's talent. Yours is one of the few blogs that I read from beginning to present, when I found your sweet self.. because I just wanted to read more and more... I know you can do something great with that, and if it doesn't work out, then you *tried* and having tried, is so much more of a feat than not trying, or even failing. We have faith in you, you need to get some faith in yourself x
I love you Rubykins, remember I am always here, in some form or another xxx