I saw Mary today
For homework I have to write out a list of my achievements over the last few months
But I can't think of one never mind a whole list
She might consider my putting on weight an achievement but what does that mean other than I now take up more space
What does that matter when my mind is still so very sick
I lied to her today
I told her the stepper broke
It did break, that part is true
But I didn't tell her that I brought it back to the shop and exchanged it for a different model
Keeping secrets is not good Ruby
Remember we are only as sick as our secrets
I'm not seeing her now for 2 weeks and I'm already planning how much weight I can lose by then
Nothing else seems to matter
I'm feeling useless again
Like there is no point to me
No point to this life
Usually when I'm feeling like this writing helps but I seem to have lost the ability to write a coherent sentence
So I'll say it with pictures instead
Having a bit more Ruby in the world is a good thing! MOAR TO HUGZ!!1!
ReplyDeleteThat isn't good, no. I don't judge you though.
There has to be a point to this, we have to believe that or we'll go mad. (Well, mad-er)
You'd better not wear yourself out before NaNo! I need NaNobuddies to keep me on track. K and I used to send eachother encouragement PMs every day, her were hysterical. We can add you to the circle of bizarre writing-encouragement.
Don't give up Ruby. You're not even halfway through your life yet. You can still claw some good times back from the asshole brain monsters.
Love you so much <3
Thanks Peri,
DeleteI'm not at all prepared for NaNo but I will give it a shot
Love you too x
Lol, is NaNo prepared for YOU? XD
DeleteI don't think it's possible to EVER be prepared for NaNo ^.^; Every year is different and sometimes you have great writing weeks and sometimes things come up and you never end up getting it done and sometimes the weekly Write-In gets kicked out of the public library for being too loud and/or reading really questionable sections of your novel aloud for the entertainment/literary torture of others. It's always fun and always interesting.
I'm starting to think that somewhere along the line we all picked up or were told/taught/instructed that we were bad people and we need to be extra-perfect to make up for it and punish ourselves when we're not. It's utter nonsense.
You're NOT a bad person. Doing bad things doesn't make you bad, not regretting them makes you bad. If you do bad things and feel remorse, then you are a GOOD person. The brain monsters are an added complication, feeding the lies you're most likely to believe. It's all a crock of shit.
Love you so very much, Ruby. Keep fighting for yourself, you ARE worth fighting for. You are an amazing person and this world needs you in it.
*hugs*
Peri, I love you so much, maybe in another life we would've lived just down the road from each other and been bestfriends,
DeleteYou've come to mean so much to me and I always look forward to hearing from you
You are a star x
Oh ruby. I'm so sad to read this. I'm struggling on my two weeks with no appointments, so I really sympathize. I've managed so far to meet my intake goal each day, but it's hard and panicked. I hope you're okay. Please hold on xx
ReplyDeleteIt is hard Bella, it's like I've no one to be accountable to
DeleteI am holding on, it might be by my finger tips but I am holding on
Take care of you dear Bella x
I agree with Peridot; more of Ruby in this world can only be a good thing.
ReplyDeleteRuby, start a roit. A riot against your eating disorder. Remember what it's doing to you, how it's controlling your life. Killing you. It's time you start killing your ED. Hate it! Suffocate it! I know it's easier said than done. But be angry, scream if you will, hit things, throw things. Let your emotions out. And turn them against this monster in your mind. Let the real Ruby out. Christ sake, you deserve it!!! You deserve to live, have fun and enjoy life. Not just surviving day by day. Be careful now X
That's good advice Ebba, my eating disorder is such a slippery sucker, it makes be believe that I need it and can't live without it
DeleteI'm not giving up just yet and I might just take your advice and declare war on my eating disorder x
You seem very very depressed, which is obviously no surprise for you. Are you in therapy? Keep strong girl, and keep fighting.
ReplyDeletegegenmia.blogspot.com
I am in therapy but seem to be going through a rough patch right now
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment x
Oh huni.. I hope you feel better, I am feeling much like you right now, it is odd how so many of us feel this way at the moment. I wish there was something I can do.. I am starting to lie again "what did you eat?" Rayya: "slice of pizza and 3 spring rolls and a crunchie and a slice of cake - I am so full up" really I throw it all away. I dont know what is happening to us but I hope you are ok my dear.. Love you x
ReplyDeleteIt's seems like a lot of us are struggling right now
ReplyDeleteI just hope we can get through it and we will I just know we will
Take good care of you,
Love you too x
"So I hit my low, but little did I know that would not be the end,
ReplyDeleteFrom the holland road well I rose and I rose, and I paid less time,
To your callus mind, and I wished you well as you cut me down, you cut me down,
But I'll still believe though there's cracks you'll see,
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe,
And when I've hit the ground, neither lost nor found,
If you believe in me I'll still believe,"
This is a verse from "Holland Road", by Mumford and Sons. I have officially decided that if I live my life guided by Mumford and Sons lyrics, everything will be okay lol. But I really like these lines. At the end of your last post you said you weren't giving up quite yet. So don't. I believe in you, so you believe too. <3
Awh thanks sweetie, I really like Mumford and Sons too
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely gonna look that song up
I'm not giving up quite yet
I believe in you too x
I am so sorry that it sounds like you are really struggling at the moment :( When we are low, it is difficult to find any positive achievements, but sometimes, when we feel like this, even getting up out of bed is an achievement in itself and you have to recognise this - even if something you manage to do seems trivial, it is still an achievement and you still have to acknowledge it! Writing your blog is a massive achievement to be able to express your feelings, through words or pictures. You write so well, and are so strong, there is a point to you and you are not useless! X
ReplyDeleteThank you for this kind comment
ReplyDeleteThese days getting out of bed is an achievement, walking my dogs is an achievement, leaving the house is an achievement
I'm trying to hold on to the positive, how ever small it may be x
hello little miss ruby,
ReplyDeletemary probably knows without you needing to tell her, so think of it more as an omission than a lie and try and tell her next time if you can maybe?
im so sad for yu that you're struggling so much, i want for you to be okay, i love you little ruby. i'm sorry i've been a little absent, but its only because im struggling with words to, don't ever think im not reading i'm always reading and hoping you'll be okay.
i can def understand about having no appts.
without jacki im drowning.
i know i have clare and i have my g.p stil but it isn't the same.
when you have someone you trust and you cant see them it kills.
ive seen clare since and smiled and pretended i was fine. its so annoying.
make it through best you can, she knows youre struggling she wont expect miracles. she cares, little ruby. hold on to the fact in two weeks you'll see her again? xxxxx
Sweet P, you are so lovely
ReplyDeleteI know you are struggling too and it sucks
But we'll get through this, I know we will
Just at the moment I can't seem to find words to put on how I'm feeling
Take good care of you,
Love you too x