Stay Strong!

I was flicking through the tv channels yesterday and I came across Demi Levato's documentary Stay Strong
I have seen the documentary before
But decided to watch it again
For those of you who don't know Demi, she was a child star and is now 23 and a singer and actress
I was always aware of Demi but it wasn't until she checked in to treatment in 2010 that I started to pay attention to her
She was in the middle of a tour when her family staged an intervention and she went straight to rehab for 'physical and emotional' problems
In reality Demi had been suffering from bulimia and depression for years and was also a self harmer
She described feeling fat at as young an age at 4
How her parents divorce affected her greatly
And how she had cripplingly low self esteem
Couple that with the pressure of being on tv and surrounded by skinny girls and an eating disorder was born
Like a lot of us she ploughed on regardless, taking on more and more work
She said she purged up to 6 times a day
She insisted she was fine but it was clear to those around her that she wasn't
She described being full of self hatred, fuelled by guilt and shame
She said  that she 'took it out on herself'
Eventually the family intervened and she went to treatment in October 2010 until January 2011

The documentary followed her on her first tour since coming out of treatment
She said that she couldn't say she hadn't purged or self harmed since leaving treatment
It showed her going home to Dallas for Thanksgiving and it was obvious that she was anxious
Her family was there and the house was filled with food
It was plain to see she was really struggling as she surveyed all the food
She made a phonecall to who I presume was another girl from treatment
It was touching to hear them give each other support and encouragement
It showed her eating lunch and she looked incredibly uncomfortable, glancing at other peoples plates an then declaring 'I'm uncomfortably full'

I could see a lot of sadness and pain still in Demi
The camera would catch her smiling but it would then break in to an expression of someone who looked a little bit lost
And of course she is a little bit lost
She is barely a year or two in to recovery and she is still so young
She said that she still battles everyday with body image
Made even more difficult by the fact that she gained 30lbs after leaving treatment
I thought she was so very brave to be honest about this
She could've put on an act for the documentary, painting a picture that everything was fan-fucking-tastic
But what she portrayed I think, was a realistic picture of recovery
It's not all rainbows and unicorn farts (to use a phrase of Peri's)
Recovery is hard
It's probably the hardest thing we will ever do in our lives
The temptation is always there to go back to old behaviours
Recovery is unkown territory
And it's a leap of faith
We're going down a path without knowing the outcome
Demi describes how recovery is not like bringing your car to a mechanic
You don't go in get fixed and come out brand new
She said it takes 'constant fixing'
I thought this was a really good metaphor
Recovery is not a destination
Recovery is the journey
It never ends
Recovery is working at it everyday

Even though there was alot of sadness in the documentary, the message I took from it was one of hope
She is incredibly open about her struggles and I think that has to be applauded
I read a blog over the weekend and the blogger and her commenters were talking about how Demi talks about her illness too much and how she is basically milking it for attention
I was blown away by this
Demi is breaking the silence by speaking out about her eating disorder
She could have easily put the troubles down to 'exhaustion'
But she didn't
She wants to help other young girls like herself who are suffering in silence
Surely as a fellow eating disorder survivor we should be supporting her not putting her down
Why shouldn't she talk about it?
It was a huge life changing event in her life
In the documentary it showed one of Demi's concerts and lots of girls queueing up outside
Girl after girl spoke about how Demi had helped them so much
'If Demi can do it then so can I' was quoted many times
One girl told how Demi gave her the courage to tell her parents about her own eating disorder and eventually went to treatment
That has to be a good thing

Another thing I took from the documentary is how it's so important to have something to put your energy in to in recovery
Demi has music and spoke about how it was the one thing getting her through the day
I don't consider myself to be in recovery but after watching this I thought maybe I am after all
I am fighting this thing
I do want to get well
Yes I still engage in behaviours but being in recovery isn't about being perfect
I always thought that I couldn't say I was in recovery until I  had everything sorted
Until I had recovery perfected
But maybe it's not like that at all
Maybe fighting every day does mean I'm in recovery
I don't want to be this way
I didn't invite this in to my life
Who would want to live this?
I sure don't

Overall I think Demi is an inspiration
She has been through a lot at such a young age and has come out on top
I also think it's great that she showed that you don't have to be emaciated to have an eating disorder
You can't tell by looking at someone if they have an eating disorder
They come in all shapes and sizes
From emaciated to obese and everything in between

So thanks Demi for teaching me a thing or two about my own battle