Girl Interrupted

I'm slipping again

I can feel it

I think because I was craving drugs I turned to my eating disorder instead

I've been abusing my meds again

Using them to knock myself out

Yesterday I went food shopping and I shoplifted dog treats

Not because I couldn't afford them, just because I wanted a buzz, a rush

I hadn't shoplifted in months, it hadn't even crossed my mind

Suicidal ideation is taking up more and more space in my head

Thinking about and craving death but not actually doing anything about

My eating disorder is draining every bit of energy I have

I'm mentally and physically exhausted

The thoughts of having to live like this for another year, month, week,  day is too much to bear

I'm sure others think I am doing well

I put on a well rehearsed act

But that is so very tiring also

I don't want to leave the house anymore

I just want to hide

Or should I say my eating disorder wants me to hide

A friend of mine used to say 'tell on your eating disorder'

'Do the opposite of what it wants you to do'

But these days I can't tell my own thoughts from my eating disorder

I had planned to go to an NA meeting but last night

But I took 3 days worth of meds instead and slept for the day

I fear for my sanity

I fear I may be going mad

Or maybe I have already

I'm not quite sure

I've been in contact with a girl from treatment

I told her my situation and she suggested that I ring Imelda from the EDRP (Eating disorder recovery programme)

I would love to ring her and would maybe even consider going back in to treatment but 2 things are stopping me

I've been in this programme 3 times in the last 5 years and the last time they told me that if I came back, then that would be my last chance

So you see I have to make sure I am 100% committed if I do go back, I don't want to waste that chance

The other thing that stop me going back is the nurses

I had some trouble with 2 nurses in particular

One day I heard one of them taking the piss out of me

As you can imagine I was devastated

This nurse was in a position  of authority and I was in a very vulnerable place

I remember crying so hard all day and ended up self harming with a razor

Imelda was great and took my side but the nurses all stuck up for each other

My friend told me that this nurse no longer works on this ward

But I'd still be nervous to go back

Apart from a couple of incidences my time in treatment was pretty positive

As I said I've been in there 3 times

The place is a psychiatric hospital but it's not like a regular mental hospital with cold hallways and stark rooms

This place was comfortable and quite plush

Everyone had their own room and bathroom, they were like little apartments

It costs a ridiculous amount of money but I'm fortunate that my parents have health insurance

The EDRP was on a ward called St. Brigid's

It wasn't just eating disorder patients on the ward, there were people with all kinds of mental illness like depression, anxiety, bipolar

The programme was very intense

Groups all day Monday to Friday such as goals, body image and meal planning

I have some really fond memories from this time

Mostly of the other girls

They were some of the most beautiful, talented, intelligent, artistic girls I have ever met

I really felt like I could be me in there

Because we were are all in the same boat there was no reason to hide

I could cry, shout, scream and no one would have batted an eye lid

It was so freeing just to be me without any of the amour I use in real life

I could let all my defences down and just be Ruby

I guess it says alot about me that I felt so comfortable in a psychiatric hospital

Everyone spoke so freely about their illness and nothing was taboo

It's a sad truth that there is still such a stigma to mental health

I know in this country we are very bad at talking about it

All too often it is just brushed under the carpet and hoped that it will go away

Mental illness is rife on my dad's side of the family but it is rarely talked about

I'm quite open with my own struggles and will talk about it to anyone who asks

And surely that is the key, talking about it

Too many people suffer in silence, afraid of the back lash from others

I'm quite sure where to go from here

I'm seeing Mary in an hour

I'm lucky to see her once a week but I don't think it's enough

One hour a week is not enough

I feel like a fly caught in a spiders web

I am no match for the spider

This eating disorder feels like it is so much bigger than me

That I am powerless

I know my eating disorder wants me dead

It won't be satisfied until I am 6 feet under

I wish there was more of a fight in me

That I cared enough about myself to fight

The truth is that death doesn't scare me

Life scares me more

I can't decide which is worse, a life with this eating disorder or a life without it

I want to want to get well if that makes sense

I want to want to live

I wish this thing would loosen it's grasp on me

I wish I had the courage to walk away and be free

I wish I had the will to get better

I wish you did too

I wish that I wasn't in so deep 

I wish.............