Lather, Rinse, Repeat

My mother is on to me
She knows I am struggling
I came home the other day to find her looking up a treatment centre on line
I asked her why
She said 'ruby, you're not well'
She said she knows I so very low even though I make a huge effort to try and seem in good form
She can see through the thin veil of my act
I actually thought I was doing quite a good job
Thought that I was fooling everyone
My dad asked me very politely not to take all my meds last week
He said I am so very distant when I do
That he can't get through to me
I honestly hadn't noticed but then I was out of my head
The treatment centre my mother was looking up is relatively new
I actually rang them once before but they weren't accepting health insurance at the time and it cost a ridiculous amount of money
There are 3 main treatment centres for eating disorders in this country
I have been to two of them
So I guess it's only logical to  try the next one
The last time I went to treatment it took me a year to muster up the courage to ring
My one hour with Mary is not enough
Not by a long shot
She seems to think that I am doing well
She says 'You have come so far Ruby'
Then why don't I feel it
I still feel as entrenched in this eating disorder as ever
Yesterday I spent the day binging and purging
Literally all day
I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
And the sick thing is that I was actually looking forward to it
Looking forward to eating what I wanted with no consequence
I had been binging in the night too
Getting up in a sleepy stupor and raiding the biscuit cupboard
So I taken to hiding all the binge food in my mothers room at night
It's worked so far
The night terrors are also back
I get them from time to time
Plagued by horrible nightmares and waking up screaming
They used to be so bad that I had to sleep beside my mother so she could wake me up
How much longer will this go on?

I don't understand why anyone would want to be this way
Why anyone would welcome this in to their life
I didn't want to be this way
I didn't invite this illness in to my life
It silently crept in
In to my body and my mind
I didn't even know I had anorexia for the first couple of years
I had no idea I was under 80lbs
I thought I was skinny because I was a drug addict
The number on a scale meant nothing to me then
All I knew was that not eating made me feel good
I was doing a drug detox in hospital when a nurse sat me down and told me I had anorexia
I didn't believe her
Didn't want to believe her
I was in denial for a long time
It wasn't until I went in to drug treatment that I faced up to the reality of my situation
There was another girl there with an eating disorder
 Our behaviours were so similar that it was like looking in to a mirror
I couldn't deny it then
In the beginning you don't even notice the illness
It's so very subtle
You begin to eat less but there's always a reason to explain it away
You begin to lose interest in food
And it feels good
Your clothes become looser
And it feels good
People comment on your weight loss
And it feels good
More and more you feel guilty for eating
So you start purging
You feel you have found a loophole in the system of eating
A way to eat but have no consequence
And if feels good
Then your family express concern
You are getting too thin
But surely there's no such thing as too thin?
And anyway you are still fat
The mirror tells all
You start to weigh yourself
You carefully record every number
The numbers get lower and lower
And it feels good
But as the numbers plummet so does your mood
Depression and anxiety creep in
As the numbers decrease so does your energy and will to live
But you can't stop
You are so very cold now
Colder than you've ever been
It's in your bones
But you still can't stop
Your skin turns grey and you grow lanugo all over your body
Your periods cease to exist
But you still can't stop
Your family are sick with worry
They say you are emaciated
But they are lying, the mirror still says you are fat
Along with the weight you will feel like you are losing your mind
But you still can't stop
Then one day you break
You start to eat
And  eat and eat
You binge and purge like it is going out of fashion
But you still can't stop
You gain weight and you hate yourself for it
People presume because you have gained weight that you are better but that couldn't be further from the truth
You reach breaking point and contemplate suicide
But instead you decide to lose all the weight again
But this time it's not so easy
This time your body is fighting you
Every pound is hard fought
It's just not the same anymore
It takes forever but you lose it all again
Now so very weak you end up in hospital
They try to make you eat
They make someone sit with you all  day
But you are two steps ahead of them
You go to treatment and make some progress but then it's time to go home
And the cycle start again
The next 10 years are a pattern of lose weight, hospital, treatment, gain weight, lose weight, hospital, treatment..................
Lather, rinse, repeat

The thought of living this way for another decade is too much
This eating disorder is like a job I detest
I work hard all week and expect a big fat pay check in the form of weight loss
But no matter how hard you work it's never enough
The boss is the mirror and it's boss is the scale
It decides if you've worked hard enough
But it's never enough
If I were strong enough I would stop this madness now,  today
I wouldn't waste another second on this cruel illness
But oh if it were only that simple
If it was I would have done it years ago
I know a lot of people here are struggling right now
Many suffering in silence
It breaks my heart
We are all connected by the common thread of pain and food and numbers
They say eating disorders are a 'rich, white girls' illness
But in my experience it can affect anyone
It does not discriminate
I hope there is a reason for all this
That it will be explained in time
I still believe that there is a reason for everything
I'm just not sure what it is yet

All my love,

Ruby x