Numerical Roulette!

I saw my friend again
After cancelling on her a couple of times I finally called in to her yesterday
She also has an eating disorder and a drug and alcohol history
She sees Mary too
We're both in a pretty similar situation recovery wise
We've both put on weight recently
Not enough to reach a healthy body weight but enough that we don't look ill anymore
She told me how someone had commented to her that she had 'filled out'
As you can imagine this crushed her
I don't know on what universe people think it's ok to comment on someone's weight, good or bad
I never pass comment as you just don't know how someone is going to take it
I know comment about my own weight have sent me spinning into relapse
My friend is the only person I tell my weight to and she tells me hers
She is a few inches shorter than me and a few pounds lighter
Even though that means we're probably the same weight I still thought that she looked a lot thinner than me
She said she felt huge and didn't like to leave the house anymore
I can relate to this
In my head I am so big that it is embarrassing
I feel fat therefore I am fat
I didn't see Mary this week so I have no ides what my weight is and I'm not going to play numerical roulette and  weigh myself
Those little numbers still have too much power over me
They dictate my mood, my self esteem and my self worth
If the number is up I spiral in to a black hole of depression
If it's down I sky rocket in to euphoria
That's not good
People say to me  that the scale doesn't tell you what a good person you are or how pretty or talented or how giving or loving you are
I hate that those numbers have such power over me but they do
My mind is consumed with food, weight and numbers
Numbers on the scale, numbers on my stepper, calories, measurements........
For the first few years of my illness it wasn't about numbers
I was oblivious to what weight I was and never weighed myself, never even wanted to
All I knew was that not eating made me feel good
I had no idea that I was barely 80lbs
It wasn't until I was admitted to hospital that numbers became important
They weighed me every second day and it seemed to be very important so I started taking notice of what I weighed
Then in treatment we were weighed 3 times a week
Suddenly the number became crucial
I had a spectrum of safe weights and if I went above this I completely panicked
They say it's not about weight but it is for me
Reaching a healthy weight is still terrifying
My friend and I were talking about how people presume we are well because we have put on weight
Another myth about eating disorders, that you have to be emaciated to have one
I was just as sick at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weight
It's a mental illness with physical side effects
I'm glad I went to see my friend though
Just to get the identification was great

We were talking about how great Mary is
Not just with the food stuff but with life stuff
In fact food is nearly always the last thing we talk about
I have seen my fair share of therapists and counsellors over the years
Ranging from the weird to the wonderful
When I first moved here I was looking for a counsellor
A friend put me in touch with a man who ran a half way house for male addicts
He was a former addict himself
So I started seeing this man on a weekly basis
At first things were fine
He was very informal and let me smoke in his office
Some of his theories were a bit left field but I just thought he must know what he's talking about seeing as he runs this centre and had set up others
But then things took a strange turn
He wouldn't ring my methadone doctor and said 'why should I go running to her, she can ring me herself'
Ok
When I tried to talk to him about food he said 'well that's fine, no one wants to be fat'
That was my first inkling that things weren't right
As the weeks went on he became less interested in my addiction
All he wanted to know about was 'had I been out at the weekend'
He frequently asked me if I had a boyfriend or had I been with any boys
I started to feel uncomfortable seeing him and started to skip sessions
His questions were becoming more and more inappropriate and I didn't like it
I remember I was keeping a diary at the time and wrote about him in that
Eventually things just got too weird
I felt like he was coming on to me and I didn't fee comfortable being alone with him so I stopped going to see him
Months later I told my friend why I had stopped going
He replied by telling me that this man was now being investigated by the probation board
It turned out he was up to all kinds of no good
In fact I had got off lightly
Eventually I had to give a statement of what had happened
I did have a gut instinct about this man from the beginning but I didn't listen to it
Yes, it could've been a lot worse but the fact that he preyed on me when I was vulnerable shook my confidence in seeking out a new counsellor
The man said my statement was bullshit but I was believed and he lost his job
He did untold damage and all the while hiding behind the guise that he was helping addicts
What a cowardly and despicable man
I'm always afraid that I will run in to him somewhere but I'd say he has left the area
From then on I've seen women counsellors as I just don't feel comfortable with a man
I hope that man never works again