Just For Today

I did it
After months and months of procrastination I finally did it
I went to an NA meeting last night
It has been a full year since I was last at a meeting
A full year of trying to muster up the courage to go back
Anxiety and fear kept me away
The last time I was attending meetings I started to experience massive anxiety
I couldn't speak without my voice shaking uncontrollably
My heart would thump out of my chest and I always wanted to just run out the door
I remember that last meeting that I was at
It was just before I went in to treatment last year
I broke down in tears as I spoke
I knew I was at my rock bottom
I've come to the conclusion that I was getting so anxious because I wasn't being honest
I was holding on to so much and it was leaking out of me in the form of anxiety

During the week I made arrangements to go to the meeting with my friend
She needed a lift so I said I would drive
But when yesterday came around, I suddenly panicked
My addiction was not happy that I wanted to go to a meeting

'Why are you going to a meeting, there's no point, you are a hopeless case'

'No one likes you there, they think you're a big fuck up'

'I'll make sure you have a massive panic attack if you go'

'Stay at home, you're safe there'

I really was very close to texting my friend and cancelling
I had butterflies in my tummy all day
I was going round in circles in my head
Will I go, will I not go
I would have used any excuse not to go
My friend sent some encouraging texts during the day and because she was relying on me for a lift, I made myself go
Stupidly I couldn't decide what to wear
I eventually threw on jeans and an oversized jumper before I had a meltdown about looking fat
The last time these people saw me I was skeletally thin
I have regained some weight since then and I was so afraid of what they would think
I managed to get myself together and left the house
I picked up my friend
We dropped her daughter off at the babysitter and headed to the meeting

I pulled up to the familiar building, trying to  work out who was inside from the cars that were in the carpark
Walking in to that room was terrifying
It was so bright and there was a circle of people sitting there
The first person I saw was a girl I used to be great friends with
Her face broke in to a wide smile when she saw me
My heart swelled
Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad
I took my seat and listened to the readings
Those old familiar words I have heard so many times
The thought of having to speak was really making me anxious so I told myself that I didn't have to speak to take the pressure off
I was conscious of my body language and I kept my head down and sat on my hands to stop them fidgeting
After the readings the lights were turned off so the only light was a flickering candle
I relaxed a little
I listened to everyone intently
Such strength and courage in that room
Voices of hope and faith
Some were doing well
Some were struggling
But the point was we were all there
We were all clean and sober today
It doesn't matter what happened yesterday
We were there today

All of a sudden everyone had finished talking and it was just me left
I felt like I was going to be sick but I opened my mouth and said 'Hi I'm Ruby and I'm an addict'
Words that I hadn't uttered in a full year
I spoke but I couldn't tell you what I said
I was honest for the first time in a long time and it felt good
After I spoke I felt like a weight had been lifted off me
Like a pressure had disappeared

After the meeting myself and 2 friends (yay, I  have friends) chatted
We talked about how isolation is No 1 offender
Our addictions and eating disorders want us to be isolated
They don't want us to have friends
They want us alone, lonely so they can have us all to themselves
I know if my addiction had it's way I would never leave the house
Never speak to a soul
I remember my sponsor saying to me that if I don't know what to do then do the opposite of what I think  I should do
If I think I should misuse my meds, don't
If I think I shouldn't go to a meeting, get my ass to a meeting
If I think I should throw myself under a car, think again
I remember someone saying at a meeting once that recovery is like a boat, if you get in to the middle you won't fall off
I think that is where I've gone wrong in the past
I've always stayed on the edge of recovery
On the fringes
So of course I fell off again and again

I came home last night with a warm glow in my tummy
I had faced a huge fear
It reminded me that I am not on my own
That there are rooms of people all over the world in the same boat as me
There are people who can help me
It blew my mind that people at the meeting even remembered me, never mind were glad to see me
At least 4 people said to me that they didn't recognise me
And I do look very different
But that's ok

I don't fool myself and think that  one meeting solves everything
Everyday is a new day and recovery has to maintained
I used to think 'Oh I've had a meeting today, that'll keep me going for a few days'
But it doesn't  work like that
I need to keep working at it
It's up to me to keep the momentum going
I don't know if I will go to another meeting but I hope I do
I need to

Are you struggling today?
Do you feel utterly alone?
Please do one thing today
Tell someone
Talk to someone
You might think it won't help but I promise you it does
It lightens the load we are carrying
Our eating disorders thrive on secrecy
For one day do the opposite of what your eating disorder wants you to do
Be gentle with yourself
Be kind to yourself
It could be the greatest gift you ever give yourself
You have suffered for too long and we don't need to
There is a light at the end of this dark dark tunnel
Some of us have been in the tunnel for so long that we have given up hope
But there is always hope
There has to be
Otherwise what is the point

Stay strong
Just for today