Just when I thought I could see a light at the end of this dark tunnel
Just when I dared to hope again
I fucked it all up
Since last week I've been taking Mary's advice and eating 3 meals and 2 snacks
She assured me that it was the only way to control the bingeing and purging and maintain my weight
She told me I had to try it for myself to believe it
I am just about ok with my weight at the moment
Still underweight but not critically low
I was struggling to continue to eat the last couple of days so I decided to weigh myself yesterday morning to assure myself that my weight wasn't spinning out of control
Bad idea
I was up almost 3 pounds
I didn't want to believe it so I weighed again
Same number
No!
Just no!
I bypassed disappointment and sadness and went straight to anger
I was so very angry with myself for letting this happen
The scale tells the tale
Anorexia screamed inside my head
'You pathetic piece of shit, how could you let this happen?'
'Look where eating regularly got you'
'If you had listened to me this would never have happened'
'You're not a person, you're a pig'
'Big fat pig'
I immediately rounded up my dogs and went for a walk in the pouring rain
I was glad it was raining
I was glad that I felt cold and wet and miserable
I tried to walk off the anger but I was crying from pure temper
Fuck my life!
I must say at this point that yes I know I'm supposed to be regaining weight and it's not so much the weight gain as my reaction to it that messed me up
I was due to see Mary in the afternoon but there was no way I could see her now
She would just try to make me see that the number on a scale means nothing
But it does
As much as I hate it, in that instance the number meant everything
It dictates my mood
My self worth
Self confidence
Self esteem
It means everything
I hate that this number has so much power over me,I really do
Mary would probably have an explanation as to why my weight jumped up like this
A reasonable, rational reason
But I don't want to hear it
I would rather blame myself and my big oversized mouth
I texted her to cancel the appointment
She immediately rang but I just let it ring
Then she texted to say she was away for 2 weeks
I was glad
My eating disorder then went in to overdrive
Plotting
Scheming
Planning
Damage limitation
3 meals and 2 snacks?
No thank you very much
I'll have my old ways back please
But now food is terrifying
I don't know where to go from here
The safest thing is to eat nothing
That is the only way now
But what about fluids?
Should they go too?
I think a human can only live for 3 days without water
Is that true?
My mood plummeted today
I could barely speak to my father
I pretended I wasn't feeling well to get out of eating
I just about got away with it
I feel so ridiculous for having this reaction over 3 measly pounds but I just can't help it
It's my own fault
I should never have stepped on that scale
Ignorance is bliss
Why do numbers affect me more than words?
Living this way is completely draining
I've really had enough
Enough of this war going on inside my head
Enough of these spun out highs and crippling lows
I just want to be free of this addiction
I can't take much more
It's like a parasite living inside of me
Sucking the very life out of me
I wish it would loosen it's grip on me
I wish I could let go of it
I wish it would let go of me
I wish I could sleep forever
I wish.............
I think humans can live for a surprisingly long time without food, water is the issue, but then our bodies cope in surprising ways.
ReplyDeletei know that you already know this somewhere in that beautiful head of yours, but having had an ed for so long, you cant really expect, as much ass you might wish for it, for your reaction to weight gain to change just because your mentality does for a moment. and the gain would be food weight and water weight, nothing more. there is no way you would have eaten almost 10,000 extra calories on top of your bmi and walking to gain 3 pounds. you know that little one, but i know that it doesnt make it any easier. and im worried that you wont see mary for so long now, although i undestand how you felt you needed to cancel the appointment and im sure i would have done the same.
this is an illness that wants to cling on and you know it wont go away within a few weeks or after a try at listening to an ed nurse's meal plan and giving it a go.
the anorexia is mad you are trying to get rid of it.
are you going to fight back or give in?
i know that sounds hypocritical coming from me, but i care about you. i will also support you if you decide you are not ready yet to keep fighting. i love you no matter what xxx
Thank you Nina, It's true, it takes a lot more than one good week to get over this
DeleteIt just amazes me how any gain can just throw me straight back in to the midst of this illness
And you are right, it is most likely rehydration
I feel a bit silly now having posted this in such a dramatic way but I just had to vent my anger somewhere
Thanks for your support
I'm not giving up just yet
'Onward ever, backwards never'
Hope you're ok x
you dont need to apologise. emotions are intense and especially when rooted in the anorexic mindset. youve nothing to be sorry for, i just want you to be okay xxx
DeleteI don't know exactly what to say as I feel in a similar place at the moment in my own disordered eating and depression\suicidal way. I weighed myself this morning and hadn't lost anymore weight, so I went into a horrendous binge cycle which lasted the whole day. I identify the feelings so well that whenever I start to have a glimpse of hope it comes crashing down worse than ever.
ReplyDeleteBut right now it's about you. You have done fabulously to listen to Mary and eat three meals and two snacks a day. That is really wonderful! The ED inside your head can't deal with your amazing progress though, so it wars against you harder than ever. Maybe it's putting up such a fight because you're so close to a wonderful break through in your new life. I don't know how to tell you to ignore that voice. People tell me to do that all that time, and I haven't yet found an effective way to do it. But it MUST be possible as people do learn to ignore it. We can do it!
But you darling are so strong and so brave. Your posts inspire me. I pray and hope dear that you will come out of this and find strength on the other side xx
Thanks Destiny, you are lovely
DeleteI really struggle with trying to drown out anorexia's voice
She is so very loud and persuasive
I will do my best not to let this drag me down
And it's true she is angry that I am fighting her
She is very pissed off right now
You are strong too Destiny x
I'm not strong at all at the moment... but I'll get there :) I know what you mean about the voice... it's a fucking nightmare and strong, dreadfully strong.
DeleteI'm no expert but I think allowing yourself to vent and get out all the negative things the 'voice' is saying to you can only help, so don't be afraid to speak it out. Internalizing that voice only gives it more control xx
So true Destiny, this thing thrives on secrets and lies
DeleteA friend of mine always says to me 'Tell on your eating disorder' so that 's what I try to do
You are stronger than you know Destiny x
Oh I know exactly how that feels. I had some health issues after losing 29kg in a year, so I started to eat "normal" again and within 2weeks I was up 4kg or about 9 lbs, I cried it was so terrible, but there was nothing I could do, I had to eat, so I continued..after a week or two later I decided to step on the scale again, I was so scared I was up even more, but to my surprise I lost 2 kg, and I was eating the same as in the beginning. I think my body was just so used to eating just little that it immediately stored all that food, but once I ate regularly there was no need for that. I know this helps nothing for your situation, but maybe the advice for 3 meals 2 snacks doesn't work for you. You have to start slowly...with small changes so your body can get used to them. Just don't stress yourself so much about it, 3 lbs is easy to put off again, at least we know how to lose it fast..Take care Ruby...and never lose hope
ReplyDeleteThanks Lara
ReplyDeleteActually that is good to hear
The more I think about it, the more I think maybe I should stick it out and see what happens, I know that's what Mary would say
I should've gone to see her yesterday, she would have reassured me
Take care Lara x
A darling lovely person once told me this,
ReplyDelete"Recovery feels like one step forward and two steps back but the important thing is that you are moving in the right direction."
You are so right and I think you were and more importantly still are moving forward. I don't see you as a number, you are far more valuable than that!
Things were looking up yes? You can always tell when you are doing something right in recovery because the ed fights back even harder, even with a simple number. Before seeing that number, how were you feeling? What did you prove to yourself during these last few days? That it is possible?
This will pass, and slowly the grip will loosen and weaken.
We are all here for you in this journey, I love you dearly. Hang in there, sending all my strength and peace to you <3 xx
"Keep fighting the good fight"
Thanks Melrose, that is so true, I am moving in the right direction and that is what is important
ReplyDeleteMy eating disorder is fighting back, it's so angry with me for trying to eat and not purge
I will keep fighting
Take care x
Is that you in the picture? If so you're so beautiful! And you have nice taste in decorating too :]
ReplyDeleteI would totally react the same way over a 3 pound gain, so no shame. I always hear that's the hardest part of recovery, is because your body will of course initially gain weight; it wants to hold onto everything you've deprived it, and when you attempt a "normal" diet it acts like it's too good to be true.
I really respect how you can still put a positive spin on it, still going forward, no matter the pain. That's a true fighter, and you're an inspiration to me.
Your comments really mean a lot to me too. Thank you for being here and always for the kind and encouraging words <3
Thanks Clytie and yes that is me in the photo
ReplyDeleteI'm trying so hard to be positive and not get bogged down with numbers but it's not easy to change behaviours that have been with you for so long
I know you are fighting too Clytie and you will get there
Much love x
I think once you start eating on a regular basis and then you try to go back to your eating disorder ways, all food becomes unsafe. There is some things I won't touch now but I ate before when I was regularly purging. That scale is an evil thing and in reality, won't tell you your self worth. But I understand. I am supposed to be weighed today at my dietition appointment, and I know that number is going to kill me. But know that you are more than just a number and that you are beautiful inside and out. Stay strong sweetheart.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Thanks Katie, I'm always saying that to people, that they are so much more than a number on a scale but when it comes to myself I judge myself so harshly
ReplyDeleteI'll leave the weighing to Mary from now on I think
Much love x
Love you hon. I tried to write some sort of empathetic/encouraging comment, but everything I typed seemed like a holiday card. Don't give up on the eating normally thing. But you can't just magically start over night. It takes time to start eating more and not automatically think of ways to get rid of it. Maybe start with your favorite meal? Like, if you really like breakfast, start focusing more on breakfast for a few weeks, and then gradually add more in. Whatever works for you...you can do it, you just have to start doing it instead of thinking about it. The same goes for me, I have to start taking the offense on things instead of defense.
ReplyDeleteBut I love you hon and I hope you take care.
Thank you sweetie, it's so true, I need to give myself a chance and not expect things to improve straight away
DeleteI rang Mar in the end and she said not to weight myself at home so I'm not going to any more, it just wrecks my head
Love you too x
Depending on the start weight you can go a while without food, but not for long without water. A few days, tops.
ReplyDeleteI would list a whole bunch of reasons for the jump too, like the physical mass of the stuff being in your gut, fluid retention for damage repair etc but when the brain flips it's shit like that we can shout at it until we're blue in the face and the cunt just won't listen.
If the ED had a physical form I'd rip it out of your head and then go to town. I'm pretty sure if I was careful I could keep it alive for a few weeks while inflicting some serious fucking pain.
Game fucking on. Kick that abusive cocktard out of your life. The only numbers that should control your mood is having the winning lotto ticket!
Sorry, incoherent and unhelpful. I found an old wordpad file of mine entitled 'Ruby's Quest' and I only just clicked about the name. I started it while I was in Japan, I think. No idea where it was going.
Love you so much. Hang on and get some leverage for eye gouging, ok?
LOOOOOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!
Exactly Peri, when I rang Mary she had a perfectly acceptable reason for the jump but anorexia the stubborn child that she is, only wanted to believe the worst
DeleteI have calmed down now, when I wrote that post I was high on anger and frustration
So today I'm back on track, 3 meals and 2 snacks
I have to give this thing a chance, not give up at the first hurdle like I usually do
I'm not going to let anorexia win this battle, no way!
Love you too Peri,
Hope you're ok x
I wish I could sleep forever too. </3
ReplyDeleteHang in there sweetie x
ReplyDelete