Angelina Jolie?

I had to go for a bone scan last Friday]
I haven't had a period in years so Mary was concerned that my oestrogen levels were  low and that in turn effects bone density leading to things like osteoporosis
My Dad insisted on coming with me
We checked in and the nurse gave me a form to fill in
Height, weight etc
As my Dad saw me filling in the information, he asked me what my lowest weight was
I told and he looked shocked
We worked out that my dog weighed more than me at that time
You can probably tell  that I don't like to mention weights but I will say that at my worst I weighed 35kilos
My Dad told me that I looked like 'a bag of bones'  then
He said that he and my mother were so worried
He told me that I could never go  back there
That if I couldn't get well for myself, then to try to get well for them
Different motivation but it would get the same result and isn't that all that matters?
I didn't say much while he was talking
It was the first time that he ever spoke about how my illness affected him so I let him talk

I remember the time before I first went to treatment about 6 years ago
One day I just decide that I couldn't do it anymore
I was admitted to a general  hospital for 2 weeks and then a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks
It was around this time of year
My Dad lived an hour and a half away but he made the journey everyday to visit me
In the hospital they had a care assistant that sat with me all day and my Dad would take over for a few hours
At first we didn't talk much, he sat reading his paper and I slept or wrote
Any time I left my bed they made me use a  wheelchair and he would wheel me outside so we could both have a much needed smoke
He brought me magazines and my favourite chocolate
The hospital took my case seriously because a girl had died there from anorexia a few weeks previously
My memory is very foggy from that time
I certainly had no idea how ill I was
Never mind how thin I was
Even though they had someone sit with me all day and accompany me to the bathroom, I was always one step ahead of them
Hiding food
Purging anywhere I could, plastic bags or in the shower
Lying to everyone
Water loading before weigh ins
Dumping my ensures
Every ounce of what of little strength I had went into maintaining my eating disorder
I didn't see that these people were trying to help me
All I saw was that they were trying to break me and fatten me up
I remember one day I  sneaked down to the lobby to purge in the public bathroom
A student nurse followed me and caught me mid purge
We walked back up to the ward and I saw she was crying
She felt terrible that she had to catch me and I felt terrible that I had put her in that position
It didn't stop me doing it again though

Then I was moved to the psychiatric hospital
It was a lot different, lots of very ill people
I was lucky to have my own room
There was a little window in the door and at night I would 2 eyes looking in at me
It was terrifying
I remember there was a girl there who thought that she was Angelina Jolie
She had been admitted after trying to withdraw a million pounds from the bank under that name
Her boyfriend came to visit her everyday
They had met in another hospital and were both very sick
One day he arrived dressed in a tuxedo and proposed to her
How romantic?
There was another woman who was such a bully
She bullied other patients and even the staff were afraid of her
Thankfully she didn't harass me
I'm not sure why she left me alone
She insisted that the only reason she was in there was to get dental work done
If only

They didn't help me get any better in there
They just made sure that I didn't die
I went home for  a couple of days at Christmas and my sister and mother brought me back in
It was so depressing waking back in there
It was a miserable place
All cold hallways and stark rooms
After my mother and sister left, I looked out the window
They were in the car crying in each others arms
But I was so numb that I felt nothing
Looking back now it breaks my heart
If getting well was solely down to love and support I would have gotten well a long time ago

Anyway back to the bone scan
The results were as expected, low bone density
The nurse recommended that I put on weight, reduce exercise and go on a calcium supplement
In a sick and twisted way I was glad of my results
I guess a lot of the time I don't think I am unwell because I don't think I am thin enough anymore
So I look for other signs  that I am sick
That itself is sick
Does that make sense?

In other news my mood has improved since I started taking my meds properly

Baby steps!