She is so sweet
She had printed off lots of little cards for me with steps to change negative thoughts
She told me to keep some in my bag and put some up at home
Maybe she does this for everyone but I sometimes feels like she goes the extra mile for me
Actually I'm sure she does this for everyone
I mean why would I be so special?
I also saw my psychiatrist
I was anxious to see him as I've had a rocky relationship with him over the years
I remember this time last year he said he wouldn't recommend that I go in to treatment
I thought he was saying that I wasn't sick enough to go in to treatment
So I decided to go anyway
Not because I wanted to
Just because he said I couldn't
I've always been like that
Tell me I can't do something and I find a way so I can
It turned out that it wasn't my usual doctor
It was one of his clones
He greeted me at two in the afternoon by saying 'Good morning!'
'This is going to be fun' I thought
'Well by the looks of you things are going well' he said
'You ignorant fucker' I thought to myself
He obviously hasn't had much experience of eating disorders
I decided not to be honest and instead I played 'Ruby, the good little recovering anorectic'
He seemed delighted
As if he himself had cured me
So I threw him a curve ball
'Of course I still purge up to 10 times a day'
'Oh' he said and he scribbled furiously on his pad
Then he threw my curve ball right back at me
'Do you pray' he asked
A strange question for a man of science to ask
I was a bit taken aback but even though he was a bit clueless, I could see his heart was in the right place and he wanted to help me
I was honest and said that I used to pray but I don't anymore
And I did
When I was attending AA and NA
I didn't believe in God in the conventional sense, rather a higher power of my own understanding
I prayed every morning and anytime I needed help
I have massive respect for anyone who has faith, no matter what religion
I stopped praying when I stopped going to meetings
Not that I stopped believing, I just fell out of the habit of doing it everyday
The psychiatrist recommended that I start again
I though this was refreshing if a little unorthodox
Usually they just tinker with my meds
Maybe he wasn't so ignorant after all
I can't remember where exactly I heard this (pesky short term memory)
But I heard a different explanation of the word sick
Here it is
Sensitive
Intelligent
Creative
Kind
I love this
For the last 12 years I have been told that I am 'sick'
My thinking is sick
My behaviours are sick
I am sick
The word sick has always been negative to me
To me it has always meant that I am weak
Less than everyone else
Defective
Broken
Stupid
But ever since seeing it as S.I.C.K, I am seeing it in a different light
Sensitive, yes I have always been sensitive, too sensitive for my own good
Intelligent, I am not super intelligent but I am certainly not stupid
Creative, I used to be so creative and I want to get back there
Kind, I would like to think of myself as kind
Whoa Ruby, is this turning in to a, dare I say it, positive post?
I am not naturally optimistic
Some people are eternally optimistic but I am not one of them
But if something is explained to me in such a way that I can see the positive, then yes, I have the ability to see the bright side
So today I want you to remember that no matter what you have been through, you are not broken
You are not defective
You are not weak
You are definitely not stupid
You have more strength than you ever thought possible
You are beautiful inside and out
You have been through so much but you are still putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going
We feel so much pain but because of that we have the ability to feel happiness
We might not recognise it at first but we will
We are fighting the demons in our heads everyday and we will win the battle
We are shining stars in a black, black sky
We are full of wonder
We are SI.C.K
This post put the biggest smile on my face after a horrible day :) I often tell myself that I am sick... yet it's very different when you see it in a positive light!
ReplyDeleteI certainly agree with K standing for kind. I have found ED sufferers to be the kindest most loving and beautiful souls. Sometimes it feels like only those who are in it can actually understand and truly help each other. xx
I am so glad to read that Destiny, it made me smile too!
DeleteI agree, I have met some of the most amazing, beautiful, kind, talented, creative, artistic people through my illness
I think we feel so much pain because we are deep thinkers and so very sensitive
Much love x
I just read this and it made my day, I was feeling bad because people were going on about me being diseased and 'sick' all day. This has just put a positive twist on everything. <3
ReplyDeleteThis made my day to read this
DeleteIt's not often that I write a positive post but I had to share this with all of you x
self fullfilling prophecy...
ReplyDeletei hope your ok
i no how draining these appointments can be
telling people over and over
justifying yourself
explaining
and their own opinions they force on you
much love
xx
I am ok thank you, or at least I will
DeleteIt is draining, I thank my lucky stars for Mary, she has more insight than all the doctors I've ever seen put together
Love to you too x
it takes one person to save a life
Deletexx
So, so true x
Deletethis was a lovely post. thank you ruby.
ReplyDeleteYour more than welcome Loulou
DeleteHope you're ok x
That definition of sick makes me feel relieved, even if only for a little while. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteYour welcome x
DeleteDarling thank you for sharing this, thank you for sharing your experiences, and thank you for sharing your life. It is so vastly beautiful. <3
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are s.i.c.k. not many people are. Take care xx
Thank you sweetie
ReplyDeleteTake care of you too x
"'Well by the looks of you things are going well' he said"
ReplyDeleteI'd like to provide a warning on lousy psychiatrists, because I've had many (...and I apologize in advance for changing the tone of this, because your post was lovely). One wonderful quality has a very insidious way of outshining the lousy ones... which can do much more harm than good.
I wrote this on a forum that I used to frequent, which is likely a more accurate account of the situation than my brain could restore through will power:
" I recently got a new psychiatrist, because I kept getting lost trying to find my last one (I was on a lot of psych meds and didn't really put the puzzle together). During my last visit with him, I let my mom tag along. I'm twenty-two, but my parents have been helping to support me while I search for a job after having quit my last one whilst terribly depressed. She asked to accompany me to meet the psychiatrist, so I agreed.
First visit: I divulge my history with drugs, which lasted all of two years. I explain some issues with my medication. He ignores these issues and tells me to keep taking it, because this is a 'mature' psychiatric practice. He also takes the liberty to tell me that my previous experiences with cutting were 'infantile,' which was a very unfair jab... considering I haven't done so in six years, on my own accord. At the end of the visit, my psychiatrist tells me that I need to find Jesus, because I 'have the devil inside of [me].' I ask: "Are you serious? You *aren't* serious, right...?" because I can't formulate a sensible response to such a strange suggestion. He stares at me blankly as I leave. Those were my parting words. I am dirty and cruel, seething with evil.
Second visit (today): He demands that my mom be in the room. I ask him if she can leave because I feel that I need to speak with him alone. He disagrees. I'm depressed (my reason for wanting a private conversation), so I cry... unable to think of a proper rebuttal to this dismissal. I mutter that I've been having 'dark thoughts,' unable to muster anything that wouldn't worry my Mother. Imediately, he says (not asks- says) "The same thoughts that you have when you cut." This is absolutely not the case. I do not cut anymore, and when I did, it was an emotional release. I was manic, unmediated, and overwhelmed by it... so it *had* to be done at the time. It's still a sensitive subject to me when someone brings up that piece of my past (again- how dare he?).
He tells me that I am borderline (I'm not... and how would he know either way?), so I tell him that this isn't true. I am bipolar, so say many doctors, including a highly esteemed mental institution. Again, he disagrees. He begins talking with my Mother about borderline personalities, then shows us a video about a woman who walked into a church and was saved and stopped cutting and being angry for the rest of her life... and I become so frustrated with the situation, having cried quietly during the entire conversation... that I just leave, telling him that he may continue talking to my Mother.
I walk over to my car and slump into the front seat. I cried so pathetically that a line of cars was forming behind me, because I couldn't drive fast enough to reach the speed limit since the road was blocked by a fish-bowl veil of tears. Now I'm completely distraught, my only option being that I have to either tell my Mother what's on my mind and frighten her (something that may have been solved if I had a psychiatrist to tweak my medication). "
Just be cautions around egotistical assholes with prescription pads.
I'm so sorry Melany, that you had the misfortune to encounter this horrible man. He sounds like he hasn't got a clue what he is talking about.
DeleteIt is a sad reality that a lot of doctors just don't understand what we are going through and just ply us with medication.
I am blessed to have Mary, she is better than any doctor I have ever seen.
Is there any chance you can see a different doctor to get second opinion?
You have every right to do so
Thank you for sharing this with Melany and I wish you all the best with your recovery x
<3
DeleteI do have a different psychiatrist now. He's very kind and compassionate towards all of his patients, most of whom come from mental institutions and find it difficult to see anyone at all. He's actually sort of a 'hero' to me (he inspires me to be less of an asshole).
That's great Melany, I'm glad you see someone who is kind and can help you. Best of luck x
Delete**one wonderful quality, referring to his religious encouragement.
ReplyDeleteI love this definition of sick!
ReplyDeleteAnd Mary seems like a great therapist. I wish I had someone like that who would think up creative ways to help with negative thoughts and stuff. Hang onto her.
Is it just me or do most people have weird relationships with their psychiatrists? I didn't really like mine, and I think a few other people have told me the same about theirs. What is it about psychiatrists? And why did he tell you not to go into treatment?????
She is great Emily, I am blessed to have her.
DeletePeople like her are like gold dust in this country so I am lucky to have her.
He didn't want me to go treatment as he said I had been before and it hadn't worked. He also said it was too expensive but I have health insurance so that wasn't an issue. x
I love this post. Almost made me cry. You are strong and beautiful darlin and we will get to recovery together.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Thank you Katie, we will get there together x
DeleteThis is lovely. Thank you for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteI admire your strength.
xx
Thank you Rowan x
ReplyDeleteYou are you and you are amazing and I love you!! that was highly strange but science and God arent too far apart in Islam the Quran invites its readers to prove the texts wrong with scientific fact. Scientists upon attempting to do this have found that science in fact supports the scientific theories inside there - so maybe there was a method to his madness?? Sometimes there is not a medical solution to some things.. you are such a special person.. I love you x
ReplyDeleteI remember you writing about that before Rayya, that science and God are linked more than people think. I will definitely be doing some reading on this.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing too darling Rayya and so very special, don't ever forget that
Love you always x
This. Was. AWESOME. I like that definition of s.i.c.k. It's like saying I'm 'f.i.n.e' (Fucked-up, insecure, neurotic, emotional)
ReplyDeleteOh man, I do wish you could have rubbed his nose in the fact that appearances are extremely deceiving. Hmmm I wonder how badly his brain exploded after you dropped the purging bomb? XD
Faith and science are not mutually exclusive, despite what most people think. I do think it is wrong to try to tell people they're stupid for beliveing in something, just as I think it is wrong to deny mountains of hard evidence that a theory is correct just because 'it's not what I believe'. Lol so long as people don't go around hurting others with it or trying to shove it down people's throats I think people can believe in what ever the hell they want to! It's when your religious views start causing harm to yourself and others that you need to take a serious look at them.
You read that last paragraph out loud and address it to yourself, ok? Hmm I have a silly idea but it may help. You could try to get into a positive person's head they way you have to try to get into a character's head or a role when dancing a piece in a set production, take a situation and try to think of how an optimist would view it, like having a script and trying to work out what the hell Lady Hamlet or Estragon or Mercutio or Odette is thinking/feeling for the scene. We used to have to to that for Human Geography assignments when we were writing about all the different views on an issue. Try to think how all the sides are thinking. Hard, but so much fun.
I'm glad you liked the pictures of fluffybum. Ink used to sleep in my hair when he was tiny, but Dralion has had to be banned from the bedroom because of her habit of peeing on the bed after strays would come into my house.
OMG ANOTHER PUPPY! I want another cat, but one is enough for me for now.
Sending you tons of love and hugs <3
I love it too Peri, it totally turns the meaning of sick on it's head.
DeleteI am just realising that faith ans science are not mutually exclusive. They have more in common than we think.
That's a great idea Peri, 'fake it til you make it' as they say.
My mood has picked up since I stopped abusing my meds so I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. Thank fecking God, I couldn't take another day of feeling so low.
All my love to you and Dralion x
Playing with words FTW! (Speaking of which I'm 5,000 words behind)
DeleteI know ay! I get really pissed off when my sciency friends look down on me for having pagan spiritual beliefs and my religious friends treat me like the fucking antichrist when I try to explain to them how particular pseudosciences they're espousing don't work and that they're wasting their money. UGH.
Lol, or as Neil Gaiman says "If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who IS wise and then just behave like they would" XD
Have I sent you these before? I've been watching it a lot lately for that extra dose of motivation to finish this story and give me the idea that maybe yes I can write books. http://youtu.be/ikAb-NYkseI
http://glueandpieces.tumblr.com/post/34961312462/pompomme-best-ever-sniffles
Do what only YOU can do best. Make. Good. Art.
I really want to not be buys for a while. I'm sick of being busy. I really resent it when people elbow in on my alone time -.-;
Milky drinks do help, things high in tryptophan help you sleep. Another good thing for milk: The calcium in your teeth is actively replenished from your saliva. More calcium in=good for your chompers.
I always seem to write female leads. I'm so cisgendered I haven't a bloody clue how a guy thinks. Nearest I got was last year having a gender-bending bodyswap.
http://glueandpieces.blogspot.co.nz/2011/11/nano-2011-part-6-chapter-5.html
That's all I got online, there are links to the first bits at the top of the page. Just in case you get bored :p
Sending you tons of love and lots of hugs <3 Kia kaha, Ruby <3