Monkey see, Monkey do

I was looking for something in my room last night and I stumbled across a bottle of laxatives
Monkey see, monkey do
They had the desired effect but now I am as weak as a kitten
Monkey see, monkey do

I saw my doctor this morning
I had been rehearsing my speech all weekend
It was simple and to the point
'I'm abusing my meds and I want to die'
But something happens me every time I walk in to the doctors surgery
All of a sudden I put on an all singing all dancing performance
'I'm fine'
'Everything's fine'
'What me? No I'm a-ok,
'Hunky dory'
'Everything is tickity-fucking-boo'
In the same way I seem to break down everytime I see Mary, I seem to turn in to a model patient everytime I see my doctor
The best I could manage was say that 'my mood is low'
And 'I've been overtaking my meds the last couple of weeks'
Big fat lie, more like the last couple of years
He questioned me some and eventually agreed to reduce the olanzapine, something I've wanted him do for a long time now
But he had no other suggestions
And that's my fault really for not being completely honest
But who wants to admit that there on the edge
That they fantasise about their own death
That everyday is a fresh hell
I've seen this doctor once a week, every week for the past 8 years
I think that's part of the problem
He knows me so well now
He has seen me at my worst and my best
I don't want to disappoint him by telling him that I'm drowning
It would be like trying to tell my father that I want to die
A lot of the time I find it easier to talk to strangers than I do people I know
I just don't want to worry people or let them down
But a stranger is a stranger so there is no fear of hurting them
This is probably why I can talk to Mary
She is still relatively new in my life and therefore not so involved
I have no trouble making eye contact with Mary but can't with my doctor
It has crossed my mind that I should change doctors
But he is the only doctor in my area that can prescribe methadone
And so I continue to play well
Continue to make believe that I am ok

My parents though, are not willing to let my abusing my meds continue
We have come up with a system whereby they dole out my meds depending on who is here
It takes responsibility away from me but it also removes temptation
I need to stop overtaking them
I need to stop running
I need to start dealing with whatever I'm trying to escape from
Watch this space

I had a bit of a revelation as to why I'm holding on to this illness
It suddenly occurred to me that this is the only thing I have
Other people have jobs, friends, college, hobbies
All I have is this
Other people excel at something, be it work, education or a favourite past time
This is the only thing I am good at
Others have degrees and PHD's
I have a first class honours in anorexia/bulimia
A degree in fucked-up-ness
My eating disorder is like a full time job
I work hard all week ie restricting and exercise
And I expect a big fat pay check in the form of weight loss
It's the only thing I think about
The only thing I talk about
Weight, food and numbers occupy my every thought
Others stand out because they are an expert in their chosen field
My chosen field just happens to be disordered eating and drug addiction
I stand out because I have an eating disorder
I stand out because I was a drug addict
Not the best thing in the world to be known for but al least I stand out
Without it I am just a girl
Average
Mundane
Banal
Just another face in the crowd
As much as I don't like to admit it my issues make me different
Although it could also be argued that I am just another girl with an eating disorder
No different to millions of girls the world over
But in my mind I am unique

Gosh, I think I have officially stopped making sense
Does anyone know what I mean?