The Crying Game

I saw Mary this morning
I actually thought I was ok until she started asking me about my week
Then I remembered that I had overtaken my meds every day
Then I remembered spending up to 3 hours on the stepper every day
Blurred images of me marching from my kitchen to my bathroom every half an hour
The meds give me a ravenous appetite and I binged and purged like it was going out of fashion
I didn't really notice during the week how messed up my behaviours were
But then again I was out of my head
I couldn't make eye contact with Mary
I was afraid she could see through to the blackness of my soul
She asked me to read the letter I wrote to my eating disorder
I started but tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't continue
She read the bit about my having a passive deathwish and she paused
She asked me how I would rate my mood from one to ten
I said 3
She asked me if I had a plan
I said I did but I know I won't go through with it
She said I should go to my doctor today and tell him
I said I would but I knew in my heart that I wouldn't
Halfway through the session I felt an extreme urge to run out the door
To tell her that I couldn't do this anymore
Death scare me but life scares me more
I stayed and answered her questions but my heart wasn't in it
As she spoke about 'regular eating' I was already planning a fast
No food and few fluids

This would be so much easier if people didn't care so much
It would be so very easy to vanish if I didn't think that I'd be leaving a trail of hurt and pain behind me
But they do care and that is the only reason that I'm hanging on
My weight went up this week
Only slightly but still a gain
Another reason to hate myself and beat myself up emotionally
She told me the number which I didn't want to know
Now I have to get lower than that number
Now it's imperative that I'm never that number again
I drove home in the driving rain at break neck speed
Only half paying attention
Willing the car to veer out of control
But of course it didn't

So where to go from here?
Down the rabbit hole that is anorexia?
Or take Mary's advice and eat regularly?
She said that everything will improve when I eat that way
My mood, my energy, my will to live
But I think of myself in recovery and I can't quite picture it
It's hard to imagine having a job or going to college, having a circle of friends, a social life and hobbies
I told Mary that I just want to be on my own
Or rather I just want to be alone with my eating disorder
Give her the control because I don't want it anymore
Let her call the shots
I'm  just so very tired of having to fight
I'm so sick of the tug-of-war going on in my head 24 hours a day
Why not give in and just be done with it
Happiness seems so elusive
Peace of mind is a distant dream I once had
I used to be a girl with a dream, now I am a girl living in a nightmare
The thought of having to fight this thing every day for the rest of my life is too much
I 'd rather hold up my white flag and surrender
Inside my head is chaotic
Different voices fighting for control
Every day a fresh hell
That's why sleep is the only release I get
I look forward to sleep
That's why I overtake my meds
Just to get a break from the monsters in my head
Sleeping forever is attractive
I curse the day this illness came in to my life
I didn't want to be this way
I didn't choose anorexia
She choose me
Why, I don't know
Now she is here, an unwelcome guest in my body and mind
Unwilling to let go
Even just a little bit

Something needs to happen, one way or the other
What, I just don't know.........