Suicidal Blonde

Last night I pulled out a notebook to do some writing
As I did it fell open on the last page
I saw some writing and when I looked closer I saw that there were messages on it from girls I had been in treatment with
I must have had this notebook with me in there
I've been in treatment twice in the last year
I read the names and the notes of love and encouragement
Immediately memories came flooding back of my time in treatment
Of meeting each other for the first time
Nervously checking each other out
Wondering if the others thoughts you were fat
Having that first awkward conversation
We became firm friends fast
Spent every waking moment together
I remember meeting every morning to go to group
Queueing up to go to lunch (we were always first, why I don't know, you'd think we would have been last)
Having post meal group
Curling our legs under us in an attempt to look smaller
Hanging out in the smoking room chains smoking
Sneaking out if the grounds to go on marathon walks
Shopping for new clothes when our own got too small
Waiting on the chairs in silence in our pyjamas every Monday, Wednesday and Friday waiting to be weighed
We knew by looking at each other whether we had lost or gained
We could read each other like a book
We laughed together
Cried together
Came through it all together
We were girls from every corner  of the country
City girls
Country girls
We were all so different but we were bound by thee common thread of our illness
I never felt as comfortable as I did around these girls



I remember we used to get anxious when we knew that a new girl was coming in
How sick would she be?
How thin would she be?
Will we look fat beside her?
But of course the girls that came in were all different sizes
From emaciated to over weight and everything in between
Sometimes there was competition to be the most ill
Sometimes girls craved attention
Others didn't want any at all
But as a group we stuck together



We came through the wars together
When one was flailing we carried her
When someone cried we held her



When someone left we hoped she'd be ok
But the reality was that the same girls came in time and time again
I've been in there 3 times and have seen the same girls come and go
Like  any addiction relapse is part of the illness


I remember being down in the coffee shop one day
The kids from the adolescent ward were also there
I saw one girl who was very thin and deathly pale
I couldn't stop looking at her and it made me so very sad
All of a sudden it occurred to me that that was what my family saw when they looked at me
Is  that what I look like?
I saw the same girl a couple of months later and she looked great
I hope she's ok

These girls were so beautiful
So talented
Artistic
But they didn't know it
They thought they were unlovable
Worthless
Fat
They came in and out of the revolving door  of treatment
Lose weight
Treatment
Gain weight
Lather, rinse, repeat
People presume that because I've regained some weight this year that I must be well now
But of course this isn't true
They don't know what goes on behind closed doors
They don't know that I purge up to 10 times a day
That every day is a fresh hell
That I am hanging on by my fingertips




I have considered going back in to treatment
The last time I was there they told me  that I only have one more chance to come back
So you see I have to use it wisely
I have to make sure that if I do go back in that I am committed
The last time it took me a year to muster up the courage to ring
One thing always stops me from picking up the phone
The fear of losing my eating disorder
Even though it's driving me insane, I still get incredibly anxious when I think of life without it
If it was taken away what would be left?
A big eating disorder shaped hole?
I suppose what would be left is me and that's exactly what I've been running from all these years
I just don't know anymore
I just don't know

Have you been in treatment or are you thinking of going in?
If you were me would you go back in?