If you could would you change anything?
Sometimes I wonder if I could go back, what advice would I give myself?
I would probably go back to when I was 14 years old
Up until the age of 14 I was a regular girl
I did well in school
I had friends
I studied ballet and was in the local swimming club
I was passionate about both
But things at home weren't great
My father was a drinker and my parents fought a lot
The atmosphere in the house was tense to say the least
My parents were so different
Where he was insecure, she was confident
Where he was a loner, she was a social butterfly
Where he was a control freak, she was a free spirit
I was quite a shy child so when I started secondary school I decided to reinvent myself
I created an alter ego who was confident, out going and gregarious
I quickly made new friends and began to enjoy a new life
But I took it too far
I started to get in to trouble at school
I took up smoking and drinking and started sneaking out to night clubs
I became interested in boys
Now the only things that mattered to me were hanging out with my friends, impressing boys and trying to be 'cool'
I lost interest in my hobbies and gave up my beloved ballet
Then I left the swimming club
I spent less and less time at home
For the next 4 years I got in to more and more trouble
I began dabbling in drugs
I didn't care about anything, least of all myself
I remember the last day of school
I walked out the gate expecting to feel amazing
It was a huge anticlimax
Instead I felt totally overwhelmed
What do I do now?
I felt so lost
I fell in to the first job that came my way
At the age of 18 I became addicted to heroin
The next 6 years were spent on the merry-go-round that is addiction
Drugs, methadone, treatment
Lather, rinse, repeat
All the while my eating disorder was silently developing and I've been struggling with it ever since
So what advice would I give my 14 years old self?
First I would tell myself to be myself
Get to know myself, find out what makes me tick and not to be ashamed of who I am
I used to have a habit of changing my personality to who ever I was with
I even used to change my accent
I would tell myself to be proud of who I am and where I come from
That I don't have to be like everyone else
That being different is ok
Being different is interesting
It is our quirks and foibles that make us who we are and make us stand out
Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same?
If I could go back I would tell myself not to give up ballet and swimming, that I would bitterly regret giving then up
I would tell myself to get a good education
To go to college
To find something I love and be really good at it
I would tell myself to enjoy being a teenager, that I don't need to be in a hurry to grow up
To enjoy being responsibility free and carefree
That I will be an adult for long enough
To wait until I was older before I started drinking and going to nightclubs
I would definitely tell myself not to start smoking
I'm not sure if I would tell myself not to do drugs
That experience has made me who I am today
I would tell myself not to worry about my appearance so much
That I am perfect just the way I am
To wait before I had sex for the first time
To wait until I was with someone I loved and trusted
As regards my eating disorder I would definitely tell myself not to start purging
That it would ruin my life
But I don't know if I can tell myself anything else because it was not something I chose, it chose me
Maybe not to let the number on a scale have so much power over me
I would tell myself not to start shoplifting
That it would be so hard to stop once I had started
I would tell myself to believe in myself
To believe that I can achieve my hopes and dreams
That I am capable and strong
That there will be hard times but I will get through them
I would tell myself to tell the people I love that I love them
To show them I love them
I would tell myself that I am unique
That there will never be another Ruby again
To push myself out of my comfort zone
To do things that scare and not to let fear and anxiety hold me back
And above all to never give up
If you could go back in time what advice would you give yourself?
**sighs I feel a little pathetic to often be one of the first people to reply to a post (girl with no life!) but anyway :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post Ruby. A little while ago I wrote something similar on my blog. I also was 14 when things started to go downhill. Like you said, there's a lot of things I wouldn't take back, the dark places I have been in and the eating disorder and depression has given me an understanding and compassionate heart that I certainly didn't have in my younger years!
But.. the advice I would give myself is not to change who I am to please others. I use to be so different. Fiercely positive, a free spirit, a believer in the power of love, determined, a dreamer, outgoing, crazy emotional...
But I forced myself to become introverted, only say the 'right' thing that would please everyone, negative (a realist I think I called it).. and heaps more.
Lately I have realized though, that we can look back and be filled with so many regrets, or instead use all these experiences to make us into people who care deeply for others, don't judge, and make a difference in our little worlds. To let our experiences make us... not break us. To use our brokenness to let others know that they are not so alone or as different as they might think. One day I hope to look back and see meaning in it all. That somehow it made me into a person who makes a difference.
Hope you are doing well dear xx
Thanks Destiny for such an honest comment
DeleteYou are right, we can either look back and be bitter or we can learn from our mistakes and move on
I wouldn't change much about my past and I don't regret much
These experiences make us who we are, they shape our character
I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that reason will become apparent in time
Then hopefully it will all make sense
You can still be a dreamer and a free spirit Destiny
You don't have to be a people pleaser anymore
You are beautiful just the way you are
Much love x
If I could go back, there would be many things I would change. You have made decisions that got you where today, and I love the fact that you said that you wouldn't tell yourself not to do drugs because they made you who you are today. That's a big realization. Stay beautiful.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Thanks Katie
ReplyDeleteMuch love x
WE CANT LIVE IN THE PAST AND LOOK BACK WITH NOSTALGIA
ReplyDeleteYOU MUST LOOK TO THE FUTURE AND LEARN THE LESSONS THE PAST HAS TAUGHT YOU AND DISCOVER ALL THE THINGS YOUVE YET TO
THE PAST IS THE PAST FOR A REASON
DONT LOOK BACK ITS NOT THE DIRECTION YOUR GOING...
XX
It's true, I try not to dwell on the past but sometimes you have to look back to make sense of why things are the way they are today x
ReplyDeleteIt's not too late to go to University. We have tons of 'mature students' at Otago. Aunty Dale didn't start his Rels degree until his 40s!
ReplyDeleteDo you think you could dance again? It sounds like it was a big part of who you were before you were subsumed into your alter ego. It could provide a means of expression and more reasons to reinforce beating the ED over the head and chucking it in a dumpster? You need strength and stamina to dance, you need muscle and fuel for it. I don't know if you could go on pointe again with the osteoporosis, but from where I sit you don't NEED pointe to be a good ballet dancer. A dancer who puts on an impressive, skilled performance. (Fuck, look at the guys. THEY'RE not in toe shoes and THEY still get called 'good danccers'!) Adapt and overcome.
Some of my favourite videos from these guys:
http://youtu.be/ms4ABdTf7Cg
http://youtu.be/hVKRnoTVjEA
http://youtu.be/mmRpNwb0NZ0
http://youtu.be/iDWysLMjkcA
BEFORE YOU START MAKING EXCUSES TO NOT DANCE:
http://youtu.be/PZoAGnrdw_0
So there :p
If I could go back in time I would tell myself to not listen to my parents, to be brave enough to study something I enjoyed right from the start. To do what I want to do and not what everyone else expects me to do. To follow my passion and do what makes me happy because I deserve to. I wouldn't believe myself, but it's something I needed to hear.
OMFG THAT IS ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVOURITE QUOTES! I usually say 'I may have to grow old, but I REFUSE to grow up' XD I shall me immature till the day I die, like Aunty Murgatroid. She used to have a squirty bottle hidden in her walker, and she was notorious for tricking the nurses at the home into coming right up to her so she could whisper in their ear buts squirting them instead XD
My neck of the woods? Really? Where? When? OMGOMGOMGOMG!
OK back to NaNo. Love you so much Ruby
Kia kaha <3
I would only love to go back to dancing
ReplyDeleteI used to teach hip hop to kids a couple of years ago up until I relapsed. I loved it but I would need to do some more training
Oh yea, I don't think I mentioned it but I will be in Australia for Christmas. My sister lives in Sydney so myself and my mother are heading over for a month.
That's probably still a long way from where you are but we'll be in the same season and time zone
I don't think I wrote about it because it doesn't feel real yet
I won't believe I am going until I'm sitting on the plane
But so looking forward to it, can't bloody wait
Hope NaNo is going ok
Le gra (with love)
Ruby x
I live in Sydney!!! :) It's a beautiful city... you will love it x
DeleteYay! I've been once before and loved it x
ReplyDeleteas i can't change a thing, i mostly focus on the good things of my past and try not get lost in there. what happened is part of what i am... and there is something i deeply regret, but i feel the more time i think about this, the more power i am letting it still have. therefore i do not want to waste even more time aka my present on it...except for having learned a lesson. but that's just me. hope you are ok sweet girl, and never loose your infections and inspiring sparks of hope and optimism!
ReplyDeleteI try to do that too Loulou, it's not good to dwell on the past too much, it's beat to learn form our mistakes and move on
ReplyDeleteI am ok Loulou, I hope you are too
Love you x
Wow, this is so powerful. I almost cried reading it. You're such a strong girl and the way you came got you where you are today. It's experience. Nobody is perfect but you are such a wonderful person despite (or thanks to) all the mistakes you made. Be kind to yourself. Say what you would have told you to yourself back then to whom you are now and take benefits from it. You're awesome!
ReplyDeleteI myself made so many mistakes that got me where I am now. Even though I'm struggeling with bulimia, the only thing I would change in my past is spend more time with my dad when I had the chance to. The last day I saw him. I hate myself for what I did or what I didn't do. I was at a party at a friendshouse nearby and came home to change clothes a couple of times. He sat on the couch everytime I got home. I talked to him just for 5 minutes each. I wanted to be with my "friends" more than with him. I'm not even in touch with them anymore. What a waste. The second time I got home for changing clothes he asked me to bring him 2 boxes of cigarettes the next time I'd come home. He gave me 20$ francs though one pack was just 5$ back then. I brought him two and he told me to keep the change, like he always did. I sat for another 5 minutes there, asked him what he was about to do and he said "maybe reading". I told him that I have to hurry to get back to my friends. I left. It was the last time I saw him alive. The next morning, a sunday morning, we woke up and he wasn't up yet which was very unusual. My mom called from work at 10am to talk to him, when we said he's not up yet she told us to get him up. We knocked on the door, he slept in his office as he and my mother were thinking to file for divorce. He didn't answer. The door was locked. We got a ladder and had a sneak-peak through the window. There he was, lying on his bed, apparently sleeping. We knocked harder. No answer. We called mom that we can't get him up. She came home from work immediately and she tried to break the door. She was kinda overwhelmed. We didn't manage to break the door and I went in the basement to get something to break it. I was feverishly looking around when my little brother came down and called me with a breaking voice: "Dad is dead."
He had swallowed a bottle of poison. He was a vet and hat acces to all the medication he needed to get rid of his own life. I would give anything to be with him again. To hug him one more time and never let go. To tell him how much I love him. It's the only thing I would change if I could change one thing in my life.
Wow, thank you for sharing all this, you are very honest
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that your Dad died like that, that is so tragic
Don't beat yourself up though, you couldn't have known that he was going to do that
We can go round in circles in our heads think 'what if' and 'if only'
I'm sure your Dad knew how much you loved him and I'm sure he's watching over you
Thank you again for sharing this with me
Much love x