When the going gets tough.......

1 cup of self hatred
2 tsp of low self esteem
2 cups of hopelessness
Sprinkling of despair
Mix well






I don't know if I mentioned it but I'm going away next month for 4 weeks
My mother and I are heading to Sydney Australia for Christmas




My sister has lived there for the past 10 years
Although it doesn't seem real at the moment
I won't believe it until I step off the plane and get a blast of warm air
I'm looking forward to it
It'll be the first Christmas ever where I'm doing what I want to do
I am usually the first person to get excited about Christmas but this year I feel nothing but empty
However I am incredibly grateful to be going away and getting to spend time with my sister
But I'm also anxious about going
How will I deal with my eating disorder away from home?
I only ever eat in my house, I rarely eat anywhere else or in front of others
Someone suggested that I leave my eating disorder at home
But of course it doesn't work like that
It's not  that simple
My eating disorder is a full time job
She doesn't take any days off
Just because I am going on holiday doesn't mean she is
No doubt she will stow away at the bottom of my suitcase
An unwelcome guest




Christmas is a bitter sweet time of year for me
When I was growing up more often that not it was a disaster
My father would get drunk and offend people
My parents would argue
People would get hurt
It can be a lonely time of year
A reminder that you are all alone
Also reflecting on the past year can be tough when you see that you are still in the midst of this illness
And the years seem to fly by now
Every year goes by quicker
Every year I vow that the next will be better
That I won't waste another minute on this cruel illness
By now living with my eating disorder is a catch 22 situation
I can't live with it
But I can't live without it
The more time that goes by the more entrenched I seem to get
My world has shrunk to just me and my eating disorder
Family and friends have been pushed away
Jobs have been lost
Education abandoned
Health compromised
Sanity long gone
Happiness is elusive
I feel so very numb
I can't remember the last time I laughed
I mean really laughed
I've become a shell of a person




Of course I spend a lot of time and energy trying to look like I am ok
I wear a variety of masks
Happy, confident, well


My act is polished and well rehearsed
An all singing, all dancing performance of 'I'm fine, no really I'm fine'
People presume that because I've regained some weight this year that I must be better
Yes, my body has started to recover but my mind is still so very far behind and still so sick
Anorexia is plain to see but bulimia is invisible
No one would ever know you had it unless you told them
People tell me 'You look well'
I hate those 3 words
I don't hear 'You look well'
I hear 'You've gained weight'
I know  people think they're giving you a compliment but to me it's an outright insult

I worry so much about the future
I rely heavily on my parents and they are not getting any younger
Apart from them I don't have many people in my life
When they're gone I will truly be on my own
What do I do then?
It's hard to imagine a 'normal' life
With friends, boyfriends, jobs, holidays and hobbies
I've been this way for so long that I don't know how to live any other way



If I were stronger I would dive head first in to recovery
I wouldn't lose another year, month, week, day to this illness
I would grab life with both hands
If I had more courage I would take that leap of faith
I would break my silence and tell my story
I wouldn't listen to the whispers of my eating disorder
I would help others through my experience
I would tell others how I truly feel
If I believed in myself I would take a chance on living life
I would reach for my hopes and dreams
I wouldn't hold up my white flag and surrender
But the reality is that my eating disorder has beaten me down over the years
It has shaken my confidence until  there was none left
It has knocked any self belief out of me
It has stamped out my self esteem and self worth
It has ruined any chance of achieving my hopes and dreams
All  I am now is a collection of labels and diagnosis
I'm not a person any more, I'm just an illness

By the way I am aware that this has been a bit of a bipolar post

Are you looking forward to Christmas or does it fill you with dread?
How do you deal with your eating disorder over Christmas?