Weighing The Facts

I was supposed to see Mary on Wednesday but I cancelled
She gave me another appointment for today so I'm going to see her soon
The reason I cancelled was that I couldn't face being weighed
The anxiety I feel when I think about being weighed is almost too much to bear
You would think after years and years of being weighed that it would get easier
But if anything it gets harder
I would rather not know at the moment
The saying ' ignorance is bliss' has never been more appropriate
I'm not quite sure when these numbers became so important but they have
For the first few years of my illness I was oblivious to what I weighed and even if I knew it didn't bother me all that much
Maybe because I weighed so little
It wasn't until doctors and psychiatrists started weighing me that these numbers became so crucial
They seemed important to the doctors so they became important to me




In treatment they say it's not about the weight but to me it was all about the weight
Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday we would reluctantly gather on the pink chairs outside the office to be weighed
I remember one particular instance when I had been on bed rest for the past 10 days
If I didn't gain a certain amount if weight I was off the programme and going home
I entered the office hoping the nurse couldn't see that I was wearing 3 pairs of pyjamas and 2 pairs of socks
I had also downed as much water as I could stomach
I didn't want to go home and I needed all the help I could get
'Do you usually wear socks Ruby?'
I removed my socks cursing silently
I stepped on the scale holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would affect the number
The number was no where near enough
So I was sent home over a  couple of kilos




In treatment everything revolves around weight
It determines where you eat
If you get to go out at the weekend
Whether you're on bed rest or not
So I don't know how they can say it's not about the weight
Of course it's about the weight
It's all about the weight
I know they say that the scale doesn't measure the things that matter like how good a person you are
But to me the scale dictates so much
My mood
Self esteem
Self worth
And more
I hate it but it does
It is what it is
Those little numbers have the power to send me sky rocketing in to euphoria
Or spinning in to a black hole of depression
I think I will just flat refuse to be weighed today
I shall stamp my foot like a small child and say 'I won't do it, you can't make me!'






Everything is such an effort these days
It takes me a whole weekend to psych myself up to have a shower
I remember when I was on drugs I didn't shower for weeks
It isn't a priority when you're strung out on heroin
I'm not quite that bad now bit it's still a struggle
It's the cold I can't bear
And also I can't see the point
I mean it's not like I'm going anywhere or seeing anyone
Is that depression talking?
I think so!



I haven't managed to go to another meeting since the last time I went 2 weeks ago
I've used any and every excuse not to go
The truth is I just don't feel part of the 'gang'
I feel like an outsider
Like I don't fit in
Of course I haven't seen these people in a year so I suppose  it's understandable that I feel this way
I guess it's up to me to make the effort
To go to meeting
To say yes when I'm invited somewhere
But it's hard to believe that anyone could like you when you don't even like yourself
I almost become suspicious if someone wants to be my friend
I've become such a hermit
A virtual recluse
I only go out in the early morning and then hurry back to the safety of my house
Where I'm going I don't know
Recovery feels so elusive
Happiness is a dream I once had

Peace of mind is a distant memory
My head is a noisy place
Different voices fighting for control
I better go and see Mary now
She'll know what to do