Heroin - The ultimate diet pill

I often get asked which is more difficult, dealing with drug addiction or dealing with an eating disorder
It's a tricky one to answer
They are both similar in many ways but they are also different
A lot of the feelings are the same
The guilt
The shame
The highs
The lows
The obsession and impulsiveness
Recovery
Relapse
They are both all consuming addictions
Same shit different substance
Your life revolves around them
Every waking moment is spent thinking about them
Even when you sleep you dream about them
Both are a full time job with no days off
Both are overwhelming
Draining
And they're both progressive
They wear down over time
They break you
They change the person you
Turn you in to some one you don't even recognise
They both want you dead, I have no doubt about that



For me drug addiction came first
At first I felt like all my prayers had been answered
I had found something that made me happy
Because in the beginning it feels good
It has to to get you hooked
It was like a switch flicked inside me
Suddenly all that mattered was the drug
That time is my life was so crazy it's hard to believe that it really happened
And it's so easy to slip in to denial
I genuinely believed that I could stop if I wanted to, I just didn't want to

I found a diary in my room during the week
It was from a few years ago when I was 19
It was terrifying to read
At the time I was doing my  first drug detox in a hospital in Dublin
I was in a locked ward with 10  other people who were hardened addicts
I was the only teenager and the only 'country girl'
I recorded my weight as 38 kilos at the time although I had no idea how thin I was
I wrote about how the nurses kept hassling me about food and I couldn't  understand why
I just couldn't face up to the fact that as well as an opiate addiction, I also had an eating disorder
My calcium, iron levels and blood pressure were extremely low and everyone was really worried
I was oblivious to it all
I was 19 and all I knew was that I wanted drugs
I look at photos from that time and I look like the walking dead
Heroin is the ultimate diet pill
A sick and twisted part of me longs for those days again
Not the drugs days but when I was really thin
Mary asked me recently if I wanted to look well and healthy
The truth is I don't
I don't want the soft curves that I am developing
I miss my sharp edges and pointy bones
How messed up is that?
The same part of wants to retreat down  the rabbit hole that is anorexia one more time
To go as low as I can
To reach a new low weight
The only thing stopping me is that I don't want to hurt my family
And also I may have one more relapse in me but I don't have another recovery in me




I was supposed to go to treatment straight from the detox ward but because I wasn't physically strong enough they wouldn't accept me until I had gained some weight
I was discharged and 3 hours later was back on drugs
Reading this diary I see how lost  and confused that I was
I just wanted to escape reality
To get out of my own head
Nothing's changed there then

So a few years down the road how have things changed?
Well I'm not addicted to heroin anymore
I'm still on methadone
My anorexia got worse, got better, got worse and has now morphed in to bulimia
But I think my state of mind may have got worse
Depression and anxiety have crept in
At 19 I still had friends  and now I barely see them
My confidence and self esteem are non existent now
Fear and anxiety keep me paralysed
I'm not moving forward, I'm not moving back
I'm just stuck
In limbo
And in some ways that's worse
I spent yesterday binging and purging
I literally couldn't stop
I felt like the monster that is bulimia had taken my body over
Kitchen, bathroom
Kitchen, bathroom
Kitchen, bathroom
The bin is overflowing with evidence
I'll burn it before my mother comes home
It'll be like it never happened
I really can't take much more of it
Something's gotta give
And at the moment it's my sanity
Am I going mad?
It feels like I am
I'm doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results
I am the very definition of insanity
The urge to starve is overwhelming
To vanish
To disappear and never return
If only they would let me go
I just don't know how to stop
I don't know what to do anymore





An eating disorder is different to drug addiction in that with drugs you can cut then completely out of your life
I was able to walk away from my old life
From drugs
From my old town
From my using friends
I got to start over
But with food you cant do that
You can't cut food out of your life
Well you could but that would defeat the purpose
You have to find a balance with food
A happy medium
My food intake is either too much ( in my head) or not enough
3 meals a day is an alien concept to me
The one common thing with all addictions is that you have to want to get well
Often the only person who can help is the one person who doesn't want the help, the addict
I am undecided whether I want to get well or not from my eating disorder
Some days I do
Most days I don't
As miserable as it is living this way, it's all I know anymore
It's my whole world



I found this in amongst my diary
I don't know who wrote although I'm sure it wasn't me
It sums up heroin addiction perfectly

I will seduce you and make you my slave
I've sent men stronger than you to their grave
You think you could never become a disgrace
And end up addicted to poppy seed waste
So you'll start to inhale one afternoon
Then you'll take me in your arms very soon
And once I've entered deep in your veins
You will never be quite the same
You'll need lots of money as you've been told
For darling I'm much more expensive than gold
You'll swindle your mother without thought or fear
You'll let your child starve if it get you the gear
You'll mug and you'll steal fro my venemous charm
And feel true contentment when I'm in your arms

The day when you know the monster you've grown
You'll silently promise to leave me alone
You think you've got the mystical knack
Well sweetie try getting me off your back
The vomit, the cramps, your guts in a knot
Your trembling nerves scream for just one more shot
Hot sweats, the cold chills, the withdrawal pains
Can only be stopped by those little grains
There's no other way, there's no need to look
For deep inside you know you are hooked
You'll give up your morals, your conscience and heart
And you will be mine until death do us part