Here I am in sunny Sydney
I still can't quite believer it
It feels like a dream and I'm going to wake up any second
It was a marathon journey to get here
All in all we were travelling for about 36 hours
I collected my meds from my doctor on Monday
36 days of methadone, olanzapine and mirtazapine
I immediately handed over most of it to my mother, not trusting myself with all of it
But on the journey I did take about 3 days
On the flight from Dubai to Sydney I kept waking up with my head on the shoulder of the man next to me
My head was practically in his lap at one point
I'm still suffering that effects of jet lag but I kind of like it
It's like being on drugs
I arrived in Sydney feeling like a beached whale
Literally
My body was swollen from my head to my feet from the flight
Then having to change from my winter to clothes to summer clothes was traumatic to say the least
I feel huge
Massive
Enormous
But my appetite has vanished in the heat
I also haven't purged since I got
It's pretty much out of the question as we're staying in a small house and it would be very obvious if I was purging
I happen to be a very quick and very quiet purger but I'm not taking any risks
And because my appetite is non existent I am not thinking about food half as much
And that is amazing
It's so brilliant not to constantly thinking about what I'll next and when
I'm just not hungry so I don't eat
Simple
It's Christmas eve today
And so the real purpose of this post is wish you all a very happy and peaceful Christmas
I'm exactly where I want to be this Christmas
With my family
With my sister who I've not spent Christmas with in years
The only thing I am missing is my dogs
So take good care of you today
Enjoy the day
And remember it is just another day
Stay safe
Stay well
Stay connected
Reach out if you are struggling
Don't suffer alone
And Christmas can be a lonely time of year
Being here and seeing how my sister and her partner live has really opened my eyes to how I live such an isolated life
They have jobs
They have a beautiful home full of beautiful things
They hobbies
They have a life
I on the other hand have no life to speak of
I live in my mother's house, where I barely leave
My life has shrunk to just me and my eating disorder
My sister is always saying how I should come and stay for a year
How I would love to do that but I just don't have the confidence
I just don't have the belief in myself that I would mange to support myself
My life at home is a bubble
Anxiety and fear keep me prisoner
But here I feel like I am getting a taste of the life I could lead
I could fill my life with things outside of my eating disorder
I could find other things to occupy my mind
I have wasted enough time on this illness
Surely I deserve to have a chance at happiness
Or at least contentment
Surely I deserve to have friends
To have an education
To meet someone
To fall in love
To travel
To live in my own place
To laugh
To eat food and not feel guilty
To eat and not have an over whelming urge to purge
To allow myself to eat just because it tastes good
And you deserve these things too
We deny ourselves so much
We have eaten out a couple of times so far and I haven't eaten anything
I didn't deserve it
And I'm getting a sick pleasure out of watching others eat while I just sip a cold drink
know I will struggle tomorrow with Christmas dinner but I will try my best
I will try to enjoy myself
So where ever you are in the world
Whatever you are doing
I wish you a happy and peaceful Christmas
We've come this far
Let's hope 2013 is a better year for us
All my love
Ruby-Tuesday x
Oh you'll be a whole day ahead of me. Well have a wonderful Christmas. I hope that you let yourself enjoy a meal and have a special time. I'm hoping everyone in my house will have a wonderful time. The thing I like most about this post is you wish a "peaceful christmas". That is so much right there. There is so much chaos and conflict and sadness and negativity out there...I really wish people could have a moment where they don't feel at war with everything and themselves and can just be. Take care hon, love you.
ReplyDeleteThank you sweetie
ReplyDeleteYou are right, there is so much negativity out there it's hard to be positive. I am blessed in so many ways so that is what I'm trying to focus on
Take care of you x
Merry Christmas Ruby!
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful holiday, best wishes.
All my love xx
Hope you have a lovely Christmas too Melrose
ReplyDeleteTake care of you x
You made it!! I am so jealous ;)
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, hope you have a wonderful time away and don't listen to your dark thoughts (as easy as it is for me to say it), try to kick back and enjoy youself!
Much love,
S. Xxx
Thank you sweetie, I am trying hard not to listen
DeleteHappy Christmas to you too x
I am so glad you made it. Enjoy the warm weather. It's supposed to snow here tonight. Have a very Merry Christmas and enjoy your time with your family. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Thank you dear Katie
DeleteI hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas
Take care x
Sorry, I just replied to those comments in someone else's account x
DeleteMerry Christmas Ruby <3
ReplyDeleteHappy Christmas to you too Kitty x
ReplyDeletei spent a lot of the day crying and purging my housemates food which im now going to have to buy tmrw before they come back! i didnt have any food and normally my housemates are here so i darent touch their stuff but i was a possessed mess today! my new yrs res is never to have more than 1400kcals a day, and carry on 2011's of no choc and 2012's of accurate intake diary both of which i have kept totally. i keep new years resolutions, make one new, keep previous ones. is urs to recover if its a biggie? xxx
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Nina, I remember when I was flat sharing with 3 girls I used to eat all their food and then watch as they fought and blamed each other
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say that my plan is to recover, I really do
But I'm so tempted to go the other way
Just throw myself in to my eating disorder
I feel so fat at the moment, grotesque in fact
My appetite has really gone here and I'm not fighting it
I'm actually loving it I'm ashamed to admit
I hope you're ok
Please stay safe
Love you x
i thought u might say that, i understand i can hardley say anything my plan isnt exactly.to.embrace recovery either! when do u see mary? love xxx
DeleteWooo you made it to Oz! :D
ReplyDeleteWow, christmas with strangers? Go you good thing! Aussies are very friendly, so long as you don't support the All Blacks/Any NZ sports team :p
Wow, having to put on hot weather clothes when you're puffed up from the flight WOULD be traumatic *huggles* Drink plenty of water to deflate yourself (flush it away down the river, lol) and keep yourself hydrated in the heat. Don't forget to fuel when you do feel hungry and chug some milkshakes so you don't get hypoglycemic and collapse.
A summer christmas is all about the BBQ, the salads, the cold drinks the ice cream and the fruit platter.
You deserve all those things too. You do. You CAN do it. Fuck staying a prisoner of things that make you feel bad. Find the feathers for your wings, put them together and FLY.
Tons of love to you Ruby <3
Thanks Peri
ReplyDeleteI made it through Christmas by the skin of my teeth
I was dreading it but in fact it wasn't too bad and wonder of all wonders, I even managed to enjoy myself
Hope you're ok too
All my love x